


Beyond reason (a Reylo novel)

by haessal



Category: Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Emotional Manipulation, F/M, First Love, Insanity, Love/Hate, Star Wars: The Last Jedi Spoilers, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-03-11
Packaged: 2019-03-20 06:21:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 39
Words: 69,634
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13711698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haessal/pseuds/haessal
Summary: It's complete!2 years after TLJ. Rey has managed to keep the connection secret and Kylo Ren out of her mind, but it makes her lonely and vulnerable. When she learns that Kylo has found a way into her dreams, she is confronted with the undeniable facts: Rey has been handling things rather badly. What is more, she still has feelings for Ben. Is he ready for a truce?In her reckless pursuit of universal peace, Rey allows herself to be drawn into an ambiguous relationship with the deadliest manchild in the galaxy, ignoring the growing concerns about her progressing drift towards insanity.





	1. Supremacy revisited (Part I: Dreams)

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. Adult content: Multiple archive warnings apply! The first parts of the story are quite cheesy, but don’t be fooled. Darkness awaits you if you follow down this path ô.ô I'm not kidding, it's gonna develop an unhealthy dynamic. This is not a bedtime story.  
> 2\. Someone else’s content: needless to say that I borrow heavily from the Star Wars movies. I’ve also used ideas for this story from fan theories and reviews surrounding them. I don’t take credit for the setting of the opening scene (Reddit user liquidtorpedo). For the rest of the story, the plot is based on my own ideas. There is a detailed list of fanfic and other stuff that inspired me at the end. I might unknowingly run into inconsistencies with the canon / extended / generally accepted fandom Star Wars universe. Please don’t blame me. I’m writing for fun.  
> 3\. Meta-content: In case you're into soundtrack, there's a list of recommended music for this story on my account, including a playlist.  
> 4\. New content: I’ve had to invent a few places, things and names. Here’s a list of what you may encounter. Skip it for now if you want to avoid spoilers.  
> a. Undor: a swamp planet (it’s surface resembles that of Dagobah or Yavin 4) in a system of swamp planets  
> b. Undi-lions: giant swamp lions  
> c. Leadership: a new Mega-class Star Dreadnought. It was built to replace the Supremacy as residence vessel of the Supreme Leader, but it was only completed about one year after the events of TLJ.  
> d. Galactica: another Mega-class Star Dreadnought, which Hux ordered for himself after he saw how the Leadership’s christening inspired awe throughout the galaxy.  
> e. Force vacuum: an energy field that the force cannot pervade. It needs a lot of energy to sustain it and it is quite volatile  
> f. Minor inventions include: wildlife, aliens, cults

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is still plagued by nightmares about the events from two years ago. Is there a silent bystander?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! I can't shake my Reylo fantasies since I watched (and re-watched) The Last Jedi. Yet, my brain tells me that the movie drove them apart in the end for very good reasons and that if Rey shall ever get a shot at happiness, getting close to Kylo again is absolutely the worst thing that could happen to her. This story is a manifestation of my inner battle. Be aware that in the end, my brain usually wins!

Rey is on the Supremacy, facing Kylo Ren. Everything has got a slightly purple touch. Tears are still streaking down her face as she focuses all her energy on that lightsaber. She needs to get away and she knows that Kylo Ren will never let her go. He’s so damn strong. Why can’t he just let go and allow her to leave! Rey’s anger gives her strength, just as Kylo seems to draw strength from his feelings. Kylo is focusing on his hurt.

\---

Oh, it hurt that she refused to join him. The very moment when he has shown her how vulnerable he really is, told her how much she means to him, she must seek a _fight_. She is determined to be his enemy, so be it! Kylo is watching his face twist in pain when he pulls even harder.

The lightsaber cracks in two. They fall to the floor when the balancing pull on the lightsaber suddenly vanishes. A loud, deafening thunder shakes the ship. Kylo watches as a huge chunk of the ceiling falls on his head.

\---

Rey gets up, numbly reaching for the lightsaber. The broken pieces fly into her hands. She can feel panic rising in her chest. Kylo Ren has a lightsaber and she has only useless pieces! Without thinking, she stores the pieces in her belt and reaches out for Kylo’s lightsaber. It comes to her easily, leaving her surprised. It lights up on its own. Rey gets up and walks over to Kylo. He doesn’t move. Something must be wrong. Rey can feel her own concern again. Ben! What happened?

She can only see his back. Is this a trick? Rey carefully walks around the immobile body, holding the lightsaber tight in case she would have to defend herself. His face comes into view. It is not a trick. He is unconscious. She hovers over him and for a brief moment, she can see it clearly. How she can end this war and bring peace to the galaxy with one swift stroke of the saber. Her eyes harden and she lifts Kylo’s lightsaber in an attempt to bring it down on that monster.

Yet, there it is, his face, the face of Ben Solo. Almost peaceful. The moment she realizes what she is about to do, Rey can feel her stomach turn around. The lightsaber falls to the ground without her even noticing that she is losing her grip. Rey just runs. Away from her guilt and her shame. Stars, how could she blame Luke!

Outside Snoke’s throne room, she stops and throws up. The purple light is slowly fading away…

\---

Rey wakes up bathed in sweat. She is in her bed at the resistance base. It was just a nightmare. Yet another one. Will they ever stop? Suddenly she hears a voice that does not belong here. It must still belong to the dream.

“I’ve always wondered what happened that day.” Kylo Ren’s voice is thoughtful. “So you could have killed me, and you didn’t.” Rey looks up, confused. Kylo Ren is standing next to her bed. It’s too much, she has just had this nightmare, she cannot deal with Kylo Ren right now.

“Get out!” she barks. Wait. Was he _in_ her dream?

He seems unimpressed. “You can shut me out at day, but I guess you can’t shut me out of your dreams,” he says coolly. Rey lets her head fall back into the cushion. There is no fighting it now. She won’t be able to break up the connection just yet. She knows she is too weak.

“What do you want?” she asks with an annoyed tone that just cannot completely hide her curiosity. The question seems to take him by surprise. After all, she has not engaged him in a conversation for nearly two years, no matter how hard he tried to reach her. He does not seem to know the answer himself.

“I … you haven’t been talking to me for ages … I guess … “

“So you think you can sneak in on my dreams?!” she cuts over him impatiently. “Just because you … what? Miss me?” She tries to mock him, making the last two words sound like a sneer, but she is unable to hide her desire for literally _anyone_ to give a damn about her.

“I told you what you mean to me that same day.” Suddenly his voice sounds vulnerable and young. Rey is unsure if she is still talking to Kylo Ren, the monster, or to Ben Solo, the lonely frightened boy. She shakes her head.

“You made a decision that day,” she says with all the coolness she can master. “You’ve been murdering my friends ever since. I had to shut you out! Don’t you see that?” Rey is not quite sure why she wants him so much to understand.

“Then why didn’t you kill me right away when you had the chance?” His voice is trembling.

“How could I be sure who you’d decide to be when you wake up?” she whispers.

Rey finally gets up to face him. “Ben … “

He stirs at hearing his name. His face is only inches from hers. She has not been this close to him in years and old wounds rip open. Rey cannot help herself. She wants to take away the pain on his face, mend his broken soul, redeem his torn heart. A hand goes up to his face, touching his cheek, not a conscious decision. She knows she must end this. She has to be strong, withstand the temptation.

“It’s time for you to go,” she says. Her voice sounds broken. She strokes his cheek as if to console herself. The pull becomes too strong, a tear rolls down her cheek. She will end this and never speak to him again, but before that she will give in just a little, allow herself one brief moment of weakness …

\---

Before he knows what is going on, her lips are on his, soft and wet from her tears. Her hand has wandered from his cheek towards his neck, pulling his head down to hers. He has never felt like this before. His stomach is turning like on his first jump to hyperspace. He feels his eyes closing involuntarily, an attempt to reduce the inflow of sensations that his brain cannot process. Just when he is craving for more, slightly opening his lips, raising a hand to embrace her … she’s gone! Rey, no! No!

He falls to his knees, about to smash his fists into the floor, but he does not dare to ruin it. He can almost still feel her lips on his, feel her hand on his neck. His fingers helplessly wander to his mouth. Anger starts to build inside him. What is this girl playing at?!

\---

Rey sits down on the bed, overwhelmed with the cocktail of feelings she just fed herself. One is particularly prominent: shame. She feels ashamed of considering to murder someone who was unconscious. Ashamed of blaming Luke on Ach To for the exact same thing. Ashamed of being so weak today. Not only did she fail to keep Kylo out of her head, she kissed him!

There is a soft knocking at the door and she hears Poe’s voice from outside. “Rey, are you alright? Is there someone in there with you?” A new wave of shame washes over her when she realizes that she has been stringing Poe along for over a year now. He is hoping for something that is unlikely to ever happen.

This is something she can address. Right now. Eager to right at least one of the many wrongs in her life, Rey walks over to the door, bidding Poe in. “I’m so sorry,” she says, holding Poe’s eyes.

“Rey what ... ?”

“I know I’ve told you to be patient. That I would come around eventually. I think I wanted to believe it myself.” She draws a deep breath. ”Poe, I will never reciprocate your feelings. I’m so sorry! I love you, I do! But … as a friend. Do you understand? I’m not worthy of your love, I cannot … I will not … I will _never_ return your love the way you deserve it, the way you love me!”

Rey just wants to run away, but she holds his gaze. She must make sure that he knows she is being serious. She grabs his shoulders. “Do you understand?”

Defeat sweeps over his face. He has always known. No need to keep up the illusion now. Rey was not prepared to actually _see_ Poe understand. It just adds a fresh wound to the morning’s many blows. She has to get away. She needs air!

Rey starts running down the corridor, tears streaking down her face again. When she is finally out the main gate, it is disappointing how little relief it brings her. The sun is shining and a perfect morning glow hovers over the misty valley. The peace and beauty of the scene is so much at odds with her inner feelings that she suddenly wants to go back inside, just when Finn walks out, bumping into her.

“Rey! What’s going on? Poe sent me looking for you. He says you just broke his heart, but he thinks I should rather support _you_ now!”

Rey sinks into Finn’s embrace, shivering.

“Talk to me,” he offers softly.

“I can’t.” Her voice is feeble, but determined.

How should she explain all this? Nobody knows it. Nobody knows about her force chats with Kylo Ren. Nobody knows what really happened on the Supremacy. And - oh force! - she could never tell anyone about that kiss. Or how much she fears that her temptation is a manifestation of the dark side. How often has she wondered if she should have actually joined Kylo Ren that day, just to conquer this crushing feeling of loneliness inside her. Yes, she has friends here, but she never speaks to them the way she used to speak to him. How she misses that brief period when they used to talk. How she misses talking to _anyone_ who knows the force. Leia, Luke, they are all dead. And the only other living being with the force is responsible for that! Hatred builds in her chest. Hatred for Kylo Ren, who murdered any parent she ever had. Who murdered the illusion she could cling to about her real parents. Who gave the order to bomb that ship Leia was on! Who stroke his lightsaber through Luke! Yes, maybe he wasn’t technically responsible for their death, but he _murdered Han Solo_!

“I hate him,” Rey whispers against Finn’s chest.

“Poe?” he asks, confusion in his voice.

“Kylo Ren. I hate him so much it hurts.” Her voice sounds desperate.

Finn looks down on her. “That’s alright, sweetie, we all hate him.”

“No, you don’t understand.” She wriggles herself free. “No one does! I … I am the last one standing on the light side of the force. I am alone.”

“Rey, you’re not alone. Talk to me.”

Rey is already retreating. “Don’t. I can’t. I need some space.” Her hands signal him to stay away. He does not follow her, so she walks down into the valley. Maybe meditating will help. If she does not get control over her negative feelings, they are all in danger.


	2. Confessions and Stolen insights

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kissing Kylo Ren only adds to Rey’s devastating self-doubts and she really should accept help from her friends. Is there anyone who might get through to her?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summaries are short and vague in order to minimize spoilers.

Rey hovers above a branch in her favorite tree, at the edge of the forest. Mediation is no use, though. All Rey can think of is the kiss. This inevitable course of action once she had bridged the distance. There is no way she can grasp any clear thoughts now, with long blocked memories crossing her mind. Memories of force chat confessions, memories of opening up, of touching hands … a vision of fighting Snoke’s Praetorian Guard together.

Oh yes, her vision had come true, but it had not meant what she had _wanted_ it to mean. Why hadn’t she listened to Luke back then? Luke knew. Force visions are treacherous. It’s the _seer_ who makes them come true. Just like Anakin had fulfilled his own vision of dying Padme. Is she stumbling into the dark side because of forbidden attachment, just like Anakin Skywalker before her? Can you even call this attachment?

No, she doesn’t compare to Anakin’s twisted obsession with Padme. And Padme had truly loved Anakin. Does Ben even like her? When she broke the connection it had felt like he was going to react to the kiss, like he was about to kiss her back. For a moment, Rey gives in to regret that she had not left the connection open just a little longer, just to know …

Damn it, where is her head? Wondering if _Kylo Ren_ would have returned her kiss is something she can definitely add to the long list of things to be ashamed of this morning. A sarcastic smile forms on her lips. It will have to stand in line. Just when she admits that probably she is a lost cause, a force ghost appears on the branch next to her.

“You should talk to them.” Luke’s voice is as superior as ever.

Rey is just glad to see him and smiles shyly, looking down. “I’m so ashamed.”

“Well, maybe you should be, but for other reasons.”

Rey looks up at the impatient tone.

Luke sighs. “Besides from hiding the truth from them for so long, I really don’t see what you should blame yourself for.”

Rey cannot believe it. Doesn’t he see? “Well, for one thing, I blamed you for failing Kylo, just to find myself in the same situation a few hours later!”

“Rey, we’ve discussed this before. If anyone is to blame, it’s me. I should have told you the truth about the night when Ben destroyed the temple right from the start. And I didn’t warn you of the nature of force visions because I refused to really talk to you while I should have.”

“I had the chance to kill him, and I didn’t!”

“And you were right to stay away from that abyss.” How can he be so calm?

“So, I should never have considered it in the first place!”

“Don’t you see, Rey? Only a fool thinks that there is just right and wrong and that it’s always clear which is which. It’s a step to wisdom to consider all the options, then listen to your heart and make a choice. That’s what you did! You should be proud.” Proud? What does that even feel like?

“What about all the mistakes I made since then?”

“You’ve found a way to keep Kylo Ren out of your mind. That sounds very reasonable to me, even though I don’t approve of your method. The sacrifice is more than anyone could have asked of you.”

“But I failed! Hell, I don’t even know for how long he’s been visiting my dreams. Today’s dream must have shocked him, so he forgot to leave before I woke up.”

“Rey, you must stop blaming yourself for things you cannot control! So he’s found a way to break your defenses. Fine! Use it against him. Just because you are on the light side doesn’t mean you can’t play dirty from time to time. Why don’t you go visit _his_ dreams? Find out what he thinks about that kiss. Find a weakness you can use.”

Rey blushes. When she really understands his words, she looks at Luke, taken aback. How does he always see thinks she cannot see? If she is unable to keep Kylo out of her mind, she should invade _his_. That’s so clever. She will go back to her room and make a plan immediately. When does the First Order sleep?

“No Rey, first things first. Go and speak to your friends!” Somewhere deep down, Rey knows that Luke is right.

“But how … ?”

“You don’t have to do it all at once. I’m not asking you to give a speech in front of everyone. I guess if I were you, I’d start with Finn. But then, I’ve never been an expert in handling friendship and trust myself.”

Yes, she should talk to Finn first. Rey can see it clearly now. She is heading down the corridor, almost running, desperate to get this over with. She barely knocks on Finn’s door and enters immediately, too impatient to wait for a response. Rose casts her an inquiring look, covered with only a towel. Her hair is wet and her cheeks are rosy. Rey has no room left for shame today. Only disappointment. Clearly, this is the wrong moment.

“Sorry” she says shortly, nodding at Rose. Then she leaves hurriedly. She has no idea where to go. Somehow, she had never found a common ground with Rose. There is nothing about her that Rey could possibly dislike, but she is also so … pallid. Rey was sincerely happy for Finn, but Finn was her first friend ever and the thought of sharing him has always made her feel a little sick.

Deeply sunk into her own thoughts, Rey has not yet made much progress down the corridor when she hears Finn call for her from his door. He is only wearing shorts and his hair is wet. “Don’t you just walk away like that!” His voice has a menacing undertone. Rey shrugs and returns. “Come in. Talk.” he orders.

No, Rey will definitely _not_ have this conversation in front of Rose. But Rose is not keen on staying anyway. When Rey enters, Rose is collecting her things with no attempt at hiding her frustration before she leaves the room without another word. Finn sighs. Rey wants to say sorry, but the day has been so bad that for a brief moment, she allows herself to enjoy this little triumph. She immediately regrets that little malicious smile which has formed on her lips. She is causing Finn trouble and she should better make it worth his while. Without further warning, she starts to recount.

Ahch-To: force talks, the dark cave under the island, touching hands, vision. Rey’s account is emotionless and fast, touching on everything but leaving out details and feelings. Rey stubbornly avoids Finn’s eyes, not sure if she would be able to finish her task if anything distracts her. Finn is listening quietly until she is halfway through the events in the throne room. Suddenly he interrupts: “Rey, slow down! I can’t follow. I always knew that you were hiding important details of your journey to Luke’s island but … that’s a lot!“

“Alright, where did I lose you?” She closes her eyes and exhales. It is hard to keep her impatience under control.

“Let’s go back to the moment where you decide to tell _Kylo Ren_ , of _all_ people, about your creepy soul-searching trip into a dark cave!”

This is going to be a very difficult conversation.

\---

Talking to Finn had been hard. Talking to Poe is a catastrophe. Finn had sweet-talked her into it, but now Rey doesn’t remember why exactly she had agreed. It is enough to be haunted by memories of the Supremacy in her nightmares. She really does not need Poe to tell her how she betrayed the resistance.

Poe had always seen Rey as some kind of mythical hero. She had never liked it much. Nevertheless, it is hard to watch him come to terms with the fact that she is just human and may make mistakes. Huge mistakes. Rey can see in Poe’s eyes how she is losing something more than just his admiration. It takes her a while to realize what it is exactly ...

His respect! No, she won’t have that. “No, Poe, you don’t get to judge me like that! You don’t know how it is to be constantly tempted by the dark side! Yes, I could have killed him, and the war might be over now. But _I_ might have fallen to the darkness just that very moment. A Jedi’s compassion is unconditional, don’t question this.”

Rey knows that this is not all there is to it. Her feelings for Kylo Ren are far more complicated than mere compassion. Poe’s eyes stare at her in horror. The sheer thought of her falling for the dark side has swept away all the anger in his expression. It hits her that Poe is frightened of her going dark for the wrong reasons. He should be scared of what she might _do_ , but all he seems to care about is losing her.

Rey sighs. Suddenly she feels very weak. Exhausted, drained. Maybe she can finish this off quickly. Finn is right. Poe should definitely not learn about the kiss, so she can cut this off the list. Maybe the worst is over? Rey takes another deep breath and continues.

“Somehow, Snoke’s death did not break the connection.”

Poe’s eyes widen in horror. Rey hastily continues.

“However, I’ve been able to shield my mind ever since we left Crait.” She will not go into detail about this. Just finish.

“At least until today. I had a dream this morning, a nightmare about the events on the Supremacy. And somehow, Kylo Ren was able to … penetrate it. He watched it.” Rey looks down. No one says a word. When she looks up, Terror is written on Poe’s face. Then it changes rapidly to pity for her, then to understanding as he seems to remember their brief encounter in the morning. And then, there is a desperate spark of hope.

Poe draws a deep breath. “Is this why you told me you could not love me? Did you try to protect me, to protect the resistance?”

Rey can see in Poe’s pleading eyes how much he wants to believe this. How much he wants to restore some of her hero-image, glorify her readiness for self-sacrifice, restore his hope that maybe, someday, she will reciprocate his feelings.

“No,” she replies firmly, looking him straight in the eyes. “It just made me realize that you deserved better of me, that it is time that I for once told you something honest.”

They sit in silence for a while, each of them busy with their own thoughts. All this time Rey had been wondering whether she would feel more connected to them if they knew the truth. She does not. She is as alone as ever.

\---

Rey has checked the schedule of the First Order. They are about to get up soon. Best time to sneak into dreams, REM sleep and all. Rey keeps telling herself that she is looking for something useful against him, but she cannot shake the excitement. Maybe she will find indications of what he feels about that kiss?

“Alright, how does one go about this?” she says to herself. It is about dreams, so Rey closes her eyes. Oh, and she should drop that barrier in her mind that is meant to keep him out. She feels so much better without it.

Does she have to fall asleep for this to work?

Without further warning, Rey is in that vision from Maz’ castle, figures in masks in front of her. Kylo’s lightsaber is cracking in the rainy darkness. It is not quite the same sequence as in her vision. What is going on here?

Kylo walks away from the group and into the forest. Suddenly it is day and Rey is getting really confused until she notices a faint purple touch to everything. Ok, so this is a dream, and it is not hers, so it must be his. Shouldn’t it be harder to penetrate his dreams? But then, certainly he is not expecting her and probably he has never learned to shut her out, always just trying to get _into_ her mind. Rey is so lost in thought that she nearly misses what is going on in the dream.

When she regains her focus, they are on Takodana and Kylo Ren is hunting _her_. This is just so weird! Rey is watching an image of herself firing blaster shots at Kylo Ren, who deflects them easily with his saber, carefully never sending them directly back at her. Somehow, this dream is not consistent with her memory of events. Dream-Rey is running out of ammunition and drops the blaster. She shrugs her shoulders and casts it away, facing Kylo Ren with curiosity. Kylo removes his mask and takes off his gloves. Oh!

It dawns on Rey. This dream is not meant to be an accurate memory. It is a manifestation of Kylo Ren’s _secret_ _wishes_. If he can actually influence it, it is dangerous for Rey to stay. His sleep cannot be deep. He might sense her presence. Rey cannot help watching how an ungloved hand touches Dream-Rey’s face. It is like watching a speeder crash: you know you should not look but you just have to. Rey wants to scream in Kylo’s face that what is about to unfold is totally unrealistic, how she was fucking scared to death in that moment, not to mention the horrible course of events that followed!

Yet, here she stands, wishing she actually _were_ that Dream-Rey who Kylo is now kissing tenderly. Real Rey is longing for his fingers to actually touch _her_ neck so softly, wondering how it would feel like if he wrapped his other arm around her like _this,_ pulling her close...

Oh. _Oh!_ This dream is heading down another unforeseen path. Rey suddenly feels that it is wrong to watch this, to invade his privacy like that. She found her answer. Her conscience cannot bear any more actions to be ashamed of today. She has to leave, now! How do you leave a dream? Instinctively, Rey opens her eyes. She is sitting in bed but the connection is still open. In front of her, she can see a sleeping Kylo Ren. His face looks peaceful. Suddenly, she can see longing on his face and a short “mhh” escapes him. His eyes are still closed. Reluctantly, Rey sets up the barrier again. He might wake up any minute and she will _not_ have him find out what she just witnessed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Be aware that this story is not meant to end in a generic “Reylo happily ever after”. The happiness of the ending is up to the reader’s taste, but for sure it is beautiful. Oh, and part 4 and 5 are REALLY REALLY dark at times!


	3. More insights and a stupid plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Invading dreams works both ways. Can it be used for good?

It is time for her to go to sleep. Today felt like a lifetime. Rey is scared of those haunting dreams and quite incapable of shaking her fear. Sure enough, she falls into an uneasy sleep full of grotesque nightmares.

Her faceless parents getting drunk on Thala-siren milk … Han Solo falling into the cave on Ahch-To … Luke getting sunburnt by two giant suns …

Oh, of course, as if that was not enough stress for one night, here she is back on the Supremacy! Rey clearly notices the fine purple touch to everything. Hold on, is this one of the rare dreams where she can actually control what is going to happen?

\---

Kylo is not sure what to make of this. After his ridiculous liquid dream tonight - involving _this girl -_ he should really stay away from her. She is dangerous, confusing him, diverting his focus. Dammit, _she is the enemy!_ And yet, here he is, sneaking in one of her dreams again, like a bloody voyeur. Why does she keep dreaming about the night when Snoke died? What’s going on in this one anyway? It seems to run backwards. Confused, Kylo watches himself take back his hand. Then everything stops for a moment before he can see himself talk. So, events are unfolding _forwards_ again. He starts to listen.

“You have no place in this story. You come from nothing. You’re nothing.” Wow, _that’s_ not what he had wanted to say. Is this really how he phrased it? And then this feeble, desperate “ _please_ ”! He wouldn’t have joined himself after this performance!

Nothing is happening. Shouldn’t there be a fight about Anakin’s lightsaber? There are no tears on Rey’s face. Aren’t there supposed to be tears?

“I can’t.” Rey’s voice is firm.

Only now does Kylo understand that this is not a nightmare. Rey is in control. She is trying to fix it! Kylo should leave, immediately. Her conscience is present here. There is a big risk that she will notice his presence. Whatever. He already gave himself away yesterday. He desperately wants to know how she would solve this. Does she regret her decision?!

“Kylo, I can’t follow you down that path. Just let me go.”

Her head turns away from the Kylo in the dream and suddenly her eyes are looking right through _him_. “Would you just let me go?”

“What?” he asks in disbelief. His word is not audible in the dream. He is only a silent visitor here. Does she even see him? How long has she been aware of his presence? He wants to interact with her, get to the bottom of this. Should he wake up? No, she would just shut him out again. Can he – ?

Kylo walks over to his own body, melting into it.

“Why would you want to leave?” His voice is loud and clear. “Either you join me, or you fight me.”

Rey takes her eyes from the spot where he had been standing and turns to face the Kylo talking to her.

“You had just saved me from Snoke. I had no desire to hurt you. I just wanted to get away.”

This whole thing is confusing! “But you more than repaid me when you cast me that saber so I could kill the last guard. You didn’t owe me. Not after all that I’d said.” He still doesn’t understand what’s going on. He has been mad at her for picking a fight after he had laid his soul at her feet. It has never occurred to him that she had no alternative.

She insists. “Would you have let me leave? Ben, if I had simply asked you, would you have allowed me to go?” No, probably even Ben wouldn’t have.

“No, I don’t think so,” he says, lost in thought.

Rey takes a step back. “So I thought.” Her face looks disappointed.

Why is she looking for an alternative course of events when the answer is so obvious? “Why didn’t you kill me when you had the chance? Why are you even ashamed? It’s not like with Luke! Luke was my teacher, my mentor, my _parent_. When he turned on me, I hadn’t yet killed a single soul. But here, I’ve already become the monster Luke had always seen in me, and you knew that just too well.” His voice breaks off for a moment. Why does he even bother what she thinks of him?

“You think I should have done it?” Rey’s voice is but a whisper.

“Stars, Rey! How can anyone be so blinded by the light? You knew what I was then, what I had been before and what I had chosen to be thereafter. I am your enemy! We were fighting. You would have won a fair fight!”

“Can we just make peace?” It looks as if the thought is spoken out aloud before Rey can stop herself.

Kylo does not really know what to say. “I … I guess this is your dream. I’m sure you can take it to whatever end.” Well, technically, he might have underscored her control by impersonating a major protagonist needed for peace talks …

“No, not here. We cannot alter the past.”

What the –

Kylo suddenly feels very sick. The purple glow of the dream is turning to a lifeless blue. Everything seems to fade away. Rey must have opened her eyes! No, is she going to shut him out again? Didn’t she just ask him something? He cannot think straight, he feels so sick …

Kylo’s eyes fly open when he vomits on the floor next to his bed. Rey is still there! Suddenly he wishes she were gone. Urgh, really! Kylo summons a cleaning droid and walks over to the sink.

“Are you alright?” This girl and her compassion! What did she even want?

“You want to make peace?” he cannot suppress a sneer.

“Well, maybe a truce?” Her voice sounds so hopeful. He feels a strong urge to do anything that would make her happy. That’s ridiculous!

“Ridiculous!” resounds in his head. He must have said it aloud. “I mean” – yeah, it _is_! – “How would we go on about it?” What? That makes it sound like he is considering it! No, no, _no_ , no! _Oh_ , look at that beautiful smile on her face!

“We could arrange a meeting, just you and me. We figure out the conditions in advance and then we sign a contract. Consider it! We could stop the needless fighting and dying …”

Yeah sure. Fighting and killing is kind of his sole purpose in life. She should know that. Anyway, if she is stupid enough to believe in this, maybe he can take advantage of that? It’s a perfect setup for a trap. A truce, yeah, as if! Somewhere deep down, he thinks he should not betray her like that. He should just tell her to go to hell with her girlie fantasies of the _First Order_ negotiating a _truce_. Ahh, but that beautiful smile! Maybe, if he finally captures her, this smile will be his forever? Now _that_ sounds like a plan.

“Alright, you’ll talk to your people, I’ll talk to mine.” Did he just say that? He is the _Supreme Leader_. He does not need to talk to … there _are_ no “his people”. Anyway, she nods. And smiles again. _Stars_!

\---

“Are you _out of your mind_!” Poe has lost control of his voice some minutes ago. It is hoarse and oddly high-pitched. Maybe he will only start to listen when his voice is gone.

“Please, at least consider it.” Rey is so tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally. She looks around the room. Rose has not said a word yet. Rey cannot remember anymore why she even involved her.

“Aren’t you all tired? We’ve been watching our allies and friends die for years now! We like to refer to ourselves as the “second rebellion”, but we are only running from the First Order. We keep igniting sparks of hope among the oppressed, just to see them fall in battle, over and over again. The resistance needs some time to breathe!”

“But the First Order will just come out the other end stronger than ever!”

It is no use arguing with Poe. Rey gets up in frustration.

“Wait.” Everyone turns to Rose in surprise. “Rey is right. We need to breathe, probably more than the First Order does. We need to fight for a future. A truce is the best hope for a future worth living we have had in years. Besides,“ Rose sighs and looks to the ceiling “I’m pregnant.”

It takes Finn a long time to come back down to earth. He has a joyful character, but Rey has never seen him so happy before. When he has reassured himself for the third time that he is not just dreaming, he looks at Rey. Then he looks at Poe for a long time. “Let’s try it.”

Poe takes a hand to his forehead and starts to massage it as if he was fighting a heavy migraine. “I know I’ll regret this.” He sounds completely defeated. Then he turns to Rey and starts to shout commands: “No more unauthorized force chats with the enemy! You _will_ find a way to shield your dreams! No sudden changes! We make a plan, we follow it through!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A note on perspective:  
> This is actually Rey’s story. The Spot is on Rey and we learn how she feels and thinks about things. Occasionally, we get a glimpse of Kylo Ren/Ben Solo’s thoughts. It was tempting to reduce the story to Rey’s perspective completely. Then the reader would be left to wonder throughout the story if Kylo is just a gigantic asshole who enjoys manipulating Rey.  
> However, this is not my interpretation of the movies. I don’t see him as the great mastermind. I think he knows that he is so bad at hiding his emotions – needing a mask! – that he doesn’t even try to lie to people. He is clearly using his version of the truth against people, but I honestly think he has fallen for Rey. In this story, we would miss quite some essential insights without his odd interferences with the narrative. They only happen when Rey is involved, though.  
> On a meta-level, you might interpret this as an echo of his mind resounding through Rey. After all, they share this psychic force connection. However, if you need a less metaphysical explanation, you might just think of Rey in a hypothetical future: She is writing a book, with occasional comments from Ben.


	4. A lesson in seduction (Part II: Awakening)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one but Rey seems to be interested in peace talks.

A swamp planet. How beautiful! Rey breathes every cloud of foul gas in positive anticipation. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she knows that she is here to get a truce agreement signed. Yet, all she can focus on is seeing _him_. She didn’t want to betray Poe’s trust. She had only spoken to Kylo in the presence of Finn and Poe. Awkward. For them it must have looked like she was talking to herself. She had not wanted Poe to know about the possibility to touch, so she had only shown Finn once. Just to make sure someone knew that she wasn’t just … mad.

Kylo’s shuttle arrives. It looks pretty … cool. Rey pushes away the thought of Kylo Ren picking her up on a date. For once it would be an advantage not to have parents. No father would want their daughter to be taken on such a date.

Rey’s naughty daydreams get crushed relentlessly when the shuttle’s ramp comes down in front of her and she is looking at the blasters of countless stormtroopers. Her heart sinks. They were meant to meet alone. No pilots, no guards.

Kylo Ren is nowhere to be seen. Phasma starts to move towards her. “I have orders to escort you to the Supreme Leader’s main ship.”

“This is not what we had agreed upon,” Rey answers, merely stating the obvious.

“The Supreme Leader has told me to inform you that he has changed the plan. You are to follow us. I have orders to use violence in case you disobey.”

Of course she has. Rey estimates how many stormtroopers fit into such a shuttle. Probably she would stand a chance. She has brought her staff. But Rey really wants to know what’s going on. If Kylo has decided to betray her, she wants him to look into her eyes, her real eyes, and tell her himself. Sullenly, she starts moving, holding on to her staff.

“No weapons allowed.” Who would have guessed that Phasma would be such a buzzkill.

\---

“Why?”

“Why what?” Oh, how she hates his little “go on, say it” – games!

“Why everything!” Why did he have to betray her? He could have simply said “no” to her stupid peace making idea.

“You see, I thought that capturing you would weaken the resistance. Without their pathetic Jedi heroine, they lose some of their … attraction.” Did he just admit that she is attractive?

“You know you cannot keep me here for long. I’ve escaped you before.”

“Ahh, well, I’ve thought about that. These are force-vacuum cells, you see.” The smugness in his voice is unbearable. Force-vacuum? Rey had thought it was only a myth. She closes her eyes and tries to sense it, but she cannot feel anything through the force. There is just emptiness. Kylo smiles at her.

She needs to think quickly. What would Skywalker do? What did he tell her? _Play dirty now and then._ _Use your enemy’s weaknesses._ There must be a weakness that she can use! _Seek out his dreams._ Well, all she had seen in his dream was his attraction to her … That’s it!

“So, you have missed me so much over the past two years that you have spent your sleepless nights designing a solution to keep me close.” Damn, she needs to hide that sarcasm from her voice if she really wants this to work. She looks around the room in fake awe. “That’s cute.” Rey starts to walk toward Ben who is staying near the entrance gate of the cell. She is trying desperately to summon some happy memory.

Finn’s reaction to Rose’s revelation … yes, that will do for the moment. Concentrating on that look on Finn’s face when he realized what Rose’s words meant, Rey manages to produce a real smile, bright and true, while she approaches her captor.

“You’ve really missed me!”

Finally, her face is only inches from his. It seems to work. Kylo’s face is perplexed. He looks caught.

“I’ve missed you, too” she wispers, lifting her cuffed arms above his head so she can hug him. She can feel that he wants to protest. He must know this is a trick, but when her arms touch his face, they are both lost in the moment.

The hurt of the cuffs reminds Rey of why she is doing what she is doing. She kisses Kylo forcefully, pushing him towards the bars of the cell with her body. She even manages a small fake “mhh” that does not fail its purpose. Kylo finally wraps his arms around her and allows her to push him against the bars. Rey puts her hands through the bars behind his back. Sure enough, there is no force-vacuum behind the bars and Rey unlocks her cuffs. Then she lays one of her hands on top of his, which has wandered towards her cheek. Taking his hand, she intertwines her fingers with his before pushing his arm up against a bar. In one swift movement of her other hand she has caught his wrist in one of the cuffs. That was much too easy. Rey is convinced that he allowed it to happen.

She knows she should get away now as soon as possible. Wait, this kiss just feels too good. She does not want to let go of his trapped hand, of his soft tongue, of his body. He must have truly wanted her attention. There is no other reason why he would fall for this so easily. He must have understood her plan the moment she had her hand free, but he keeps kissing her longingly.

Finally, it is time to end this or she will just decide to stay. “I’m sorry,” she whispers. He smiles and rests his forehead against hers. “I know.”

Kylo does not even try to hold her back. Rey wonders why he does not immediately attempt to free himself either. She had counted on his overconfidence, but it still surprises her. He must think that this is all just a game, that he can give her a head start.

He only realizes his mistake when Rey is already done with hacking the force-vacuum control panel outside the cell. When it dawns on him what Rey is doing, he quickly reaches out through the bars with his free hand in an attempt to force-open the cuff around his trapped hand, in vain. Rey has relocated the vacuum. Kylo is entirely surrounded by force emptiness.

“Rey!” Kylo’s angry screams follow her through the corridor. She must hurry. If he keeps screaming like this, he will be found and freed in no time. The hangar is not far, but Phasma had her blindfolded on the way there and she would not know where to go even if she managed to get out of here. She does not know where the Leadership is, and she does not know where the resistance would be. Rey finds a communication relay and enters the code Poe gave her. “Poe. _Poe_!” _Please_ , answer!

“Rey? Rey, _what_ in the seven galaxies is going on? Our scanners suddenly showed way too many human life forms around you on Undor and - “

“It was a trap.” She cuts over him.

“We figured as much. Are you ok? Where are you?!”

“The _Leadership_.”

“What?! I thought you’d be with Kylo Ren. No! Damn it!”

“Huh? Why? He’s here.”

“No. What? We saw his shuttle leave! No, no, no, Rey, get out of there immediately! We are _bombing_ the Leadership this very minute! I can’t reach the bombers from here!”

“You what?” –

The connection is lost when a deep rumbling shakes through the ship. Rey starts running as fast as she can. The hangar cannot be far.


	5. Beyond reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will they both make it out of the doomed dreadnought?

Rey has fallen to the floor. The last drop of bombs must have hit this very sector of the ship. The epicenter was somewhere close behind her. Where … no way! She will _not_ worry about chained Kylo Ren. Who is responsible for all of this in the first place! She should get her ass out of this downfall and not waste another second thinking about this most undeserving of all beings!

Too late, her mind has already lowered the barrier, searching for confirmation that he has been freed. Nothing. No image of his face, no voice, just emptiness. Probably, that is just due to the force vacuum in the cell, but the silence is quite scary. Rey sighs and looks to the ceiling. She knows that what she is about to do is beyond any reason. Whatever, she should better get this done fast if she must. A new wave of bombs hits the ship somewhere near the rear. The shockwave that ripples through the ship nearly shakes her off her feet again. If the attack continues with this kind of rigor, the Leadership will fall to pieces rather soon.

Rey arrives at the havocked remains of the cell, where she finds the limp body of Kylo Ren. He is still bound to one of the bars. There is an ugly open wound in his abdomen where a splinter from the walls has hit him. His head hangs down in an odd angle. For a moment Rey thinks that he is dead. Where there should be relief, she can feel only horror, a knot forming in her throat. She closes her eyes and tries to focus. The impact must have damaged the force vacuum generator. She reaches out and finds his pulse, faint but steady. There, _that_ is relief! Rey sighs. Will she ever be able to just let him die? She gently loosens the cuff, using the force to prevent him from sinking to the floor. With her other hand she summons a huge piece of detached wall paneling and delicately lays him down on it.

A band of stormtroopers approaches. Rey walks out to the corridor, gathers her strength and addresses them. “Your Supreme Leader has been injured. You will take him to the hangar and get him off the ship as quickly as possible.” The group repeats in trance. They hurry into the cell, lift the wall panel and start running towards the hangar. Good.

Now Rey should get herself out of this hell. Another cluster of explosions shakes her off her feet. This hit was disturbingly close to the hangar. Who the fuck is responsible for defending this ship? The hangar should have topmost priority. It is the bottleneck for any effective evacuation. It dawns on Rey that the First Order would not even _have_ evacuation plans for the Leadership’s crew. She must focus now, get herself out and let the devil take the hindmost, but somewhere in the back of her mind, there is this damning thought that every soul on this ship is doomed to die …

Half of the hangar has been blown away by the time Rey arrives. It is a chaotic scene. There is no command structure, but groups of stormtroopers still run around in formation, following their squad leaders, who are obviously lost. Everyone is running around amidst a bloody fleet of space crafts. Why don’t they just flee? Rey has to remind herself that this is not her responsibility. She secretly mounts a TIE fighter. The Leadership has already lost stability and developed a heavy list. Rey is just starting the twin ion engines when a cluster of bombs falls directly through the open ceiling and explodes _in_ the hangar, erasing its floor. Rey’s TIE suddenly hovers in midair. She looks over to the spot where she had last seen Kylo Ren’s escorts looking for a suitable transport. They are gone. Must have fallen into the abyss like everyone else. _Good gracious_!

Kylo Ren’s body lies forgotten on its wall panel near the edge of the cave-in. The dreadnought’s tilt makes it start to slide. Rey does not think. She pulls a stunt. She flies the TIE fighter near Kylo’s limp body with the hatch still open. Rey lets go of the controls to reach for the condemned body just when the panel has reached the edge of the crater and starts to tilt.

Rey pulls him in with a lot of help from the force. Once he is inside, Rey jumps back to the controls, but it is already too late. One of the wings scratches along the escarpment. The TIE bounces back and is sent into a spin. Rey has no control. The damaged wing refuses to respond. Just then, the Leadership rotates around a new angle and suddenly the TIE is out in space. For a short moment, Rey regains control over the Fighter, halting the spin and heading towards the very near surface of a planet that somehow looks familiar …

Behind her, the Leadership’s hyperdrive explodes. A cloud of fire tracks past them. The heat is fries part of the wiring and the shock wave sends the TIE speeding towards the surface at a much higher speed than would be recommended for a landing approach. She must break this. They are going to crash!

“C’mon!” she prays to the tiny ship while she pulls every trick there is. These things must have a chute. There!

A lightning hits Rey and all lights go out.


	6. Light and dark

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Role reversal: it is Kylo’s turn to take responsibility for Rey’s survival.

Kylo awakes from the hard landing. He lifts his head, blinking. Ouch! What a headache. He slowly lays his head back down and closes his eyes firmly. That’s better. He is surrounded by a strange sound. Gurgling and splashing? Isn’t he supposed to be on a space ship? He opens his eyes just a little. Yes, that is the familiar interior of a TIE fighter, unmistakable, even though the perpendicular is upside down. So, what’s that sound? Wait, how did he get here? He has no memories, only blurred visions. Damn, concentrate. Who are you? Yes, he is the Supreme Leader of the First Order. Whoever is responsible for this headache must die immediately! And then this damn water! Something must be wrong. A TIE shouldn’t be surrounded by water. Kylo groans as he lifts his head up to look around him. Whoa, how did _she_ get in here with him?!

The water surface has risen to the main viewport. “Rey? I think we need to get out of here.” What’s wrong with her? It is getting dark. Kylo just can’t make any sense of what is happening. Red tissue touches the viewport. Is this a … _parachute_?

It hits him how this all makes quite some sense. Kylo is alarmed. “Rey! Wake up! We crashed. In the swamps. The ship is going down. Get up!” She does not move. Kylo fights back the panic in his chest. The only opening is below them. Water starts to flow in through the damaged viewport. “Rey!”

Once the hatch is covered with water, Kylo tries to open it. The pressure of the water should make it easier. Damn, why does his abdomen hurt so much? As if this numbing headache wasn’t enough! “Rey!” Ok, he needs to concentrate. After all, he is Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of … well that won’t help here, there is no one to boss around, no one to threaten. What else? He is Kylo Ren, first of the knights of Ren. Yeah, tell that to the swamp. Anything else? He is the son of Han Solo and Leia Organa. Well, they won’t come to rescue him, they’re dead. He made sure of that. Nothing more? How about this “heir to Darth Vader” nonsense? Yes, he’s got the force! Well, at least he’s got the dark side … Which powerful dark feeling can he channel to open this damn hatch despite his suboptimal physical state? Can he just concentrate on hating _her_? No, all he can think of is saving her, too. Damn fool. He looks at her and feels a strong pull from the light side of the force. _Listen to your light_. Weren’t those her words? Well, ok light, let’s give it a try then. He concentrates on her and his compassion for her. Whatever those feelings are that he harbors for her, anyway.

The hatch opens easily. Kylo blinks in disbelief. He had almost forgotten how powerful the light is. The water floods the cabin in no time. Kylo grabs Rey around her waist and pulls her into the water. He takes a deep breath and blows the air into her mouth. A memory floods his brain. She had tied him up while kissing him! He wants to be angry with her, find a reason to leave her behind and save himself, but all he can feel is … appreciation?

He takes in another deep breath. Then he drags this painfully cunning girl down with him through the hatch. Maybe he had overestimated his strength. He barely manages to get them down beneath the fighter and when they are finally out, he realizes just how very deep the ship has already sunk. He can barely see and for a short moment he is disoriented, not knowing which way to swim. He is not a good swimmer. Long lost memories come to his mind. Holidays at the beach with his parents. Rare treasures, pictures of unison and harmony and fun. He focuses on these memories and taps into the light that they offer. His free hand pushes against the indistinguishable ground. The other is still holding on to Rey’s waist. It works for a while, but then it is gone. Everything becomes dark and a very familiar laugh resounds in his head.

“You can never go back to the light, my young apprentice. Let go of her and save yourself!” Snoke? Snoke shouldn’t be here. What does he know of the light? Screw it, in Snoke’s presence, even if it is only imaginary, it is as hard as ever to make out the light side of the force. It does not matter. Kylo will not allow Snoke the triumph of leaving Rey to the depths of this water. He hates Snoke. He has always hated him. The darkness is familiar to him, and he shortly bathes in his hatred before pushing hard. Yes, he can feel that they are rising again, but maybe it is too slow. He knows that he urgently needs to breathe, because he can feel his brain shut down.

For some seconds, Kylo is fighting with himself, treading the water without real impact, swallowing so much, coughing his lungs out. Eventually, he has got it though. Long even breaths. He lifts Rey’s head above the surface and opens her mouth. Once he can feel her breathing, he starts to swim towards the bank. The force does not help him anymore. He has exhausted his light and his dark. His body aches from the lack of oxygen it was exposed to. When he thinks that he can swim no more, he can feel the ground under his feet. Knowing that he has found shallow waters gives him some new confidence. At least they will not drown. His sore body needs to rest. He must get out of here, so he stands up. Maybe he can walk and pull Rey through the water. The ground is slippery and there is no clear edge. The shore swallows his feet with every step. He drags Rey up a small slope before he falls down in fatigue. Kylo takes one last look at Rey’s face, streaking back some hair. She is breathing evenly. Then he becomes unconscious.


	7. Hang over, sobering and withdrawal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You would think that saving each other’s lives should be enough to make Rey and Kylo get over their enmities, but the shadows of the past loom large.

Rey opens her eyes in fear. She has just had a wild nightmare. Kylo Ren had locked her up in a room without force. She had kissed him nevertheless and enjoyed it. Somehow, she had escaped the prison, but the ship had been attacked. Next thing she had been flying a TIE, collecting a numb body in flight just before a whole dreadnought exploded behind her! Wow, she should consider Luke’s words about sleep hygiene …

What the - . Rey looks down on herself. She is all damp. Her body is shivering. And there, right across her _breasts,_ rests a wet, familiar head. Has Kylo Ren been sneaking in her dreams again? “Get off.” She shoves his head to the side and sits up in order to look around.

Is that part of a _chute_? What does it do in the middle of a swamp? Swamp … the truce … how come she doesn’t know how she got here? Did Kylo Ren drug her?! He stirs. The movement of his head must have woken him up.

“What happened!” Maybe she should check her tone if she wants an honest answer.

“You tell me!” His hand goes to his head as if he is suffering from a severe migraine. “How the hell did I change my dreadnought full of loyal crew for a TIE with an unconscious you? Did you try to kidnap me?” Rey does not miss the ironic undertone. It was not a dream. The supposition that _she_ has done _him_ wrong is just unbearable!

“Yeah alright.” Kylo cuts over her when she opens her mouth in protest. “Calm down, I figured as much. The TIE was sinking into that pitch when I came to.” He nods at the muddy water.

Her curiosity has gotten the better of her and she just raises a brow at him. How did she get out, then?

“I … I am aware that you have a habit of … caring for my life for whatever reason.”

“Ah yeah?” This is going to be interesting.

“I thought … I thought I might return the favor.” There is a pause. Then he continues. “I pulled you out.”

For once, Rey does not know what to say. She wants to thank him, really. However, it is his fault that they were in this situation in the first place!

He decides to ignore her inappropriate silence. “So … how did I get into a TIE with you?”

Rey is not in the mood to explain. Actually, she is still very angry. All these people … all these needless deaths! In fact, _she_ is the one who deserves an explanation.

“Why couldn’t you just _tell_ me that you didn’t want a truce? It’s not like we haven’t been speaking lately. Why did you have to try to take advantage? And what did you even try to accomplish? I was alone!”

“Oh, come on Rey! Both sides have laid their traps. I thought I could get a hold on their mascot heroine Jedi or whatever you are for them.” His impatient tone makes her angry.

“What do you mean, both sides? I _did_ come alone.”

“And you came out alive, didn’t you? Well, the last thing _I_ remember is bombs falling onto my ship while I’m tied up. Sounds like the resistance has outsmarted us in cloaking tech if they’ve found the cloaked Leadership _and_ were able to approach it without us noticing _and_ to accurately place bombs above the shield generators. A plan like this must have been in preparation for weeks.” He looks at her and shakes his head. “It’s worse indeed. They didn’t even tell you.”

Rey remains silent, considering his twisted arguments. No, _he_ could have avoided this. When she speaks again, her tone is calm and menacing. “ _You_ could have prevented this. The resistance never would have attacked you if I had assured them that we agreed on a truce. You are responsible for the death of your whole crew.”

She can see his expression flicker just a little when he understands that his beloved Leadership must have been completely destroyed. Rey is way too angry to consider his feelings now. “You should have never put me in that cell to begin with. And if your lousy ship had had any reasonable evacuation protocol, we would not be sitting here right now.”

“You are a true Jedi.” He rolls his eyes, sneering. “You even mourn my dumb crew. Compassion for everyone. You keep acting against your own interest. I bet you were even stupid enough to save me from my sinking ship.”

Rey’s fist hits hard in his face. How _dare_ he! It knocks him out again. Not what Rey intended, but … probably he deserves it. His injuries must be bad, though. Maybe he should get some rest.

\---

Kylo wakes up a few hours later. He feels comfortably warm. There is a crackling fire near him. He looks up drowsily. There is an improvised clothesline near the fire pit and he can see his clothes there. Rey must have decided to dry them. A memory of him helping his mum hanging clothes flickers before his eyes. It subsides when he sways his gaze along the line to see his … _underwear_. Panicking, he looks down on himself. He is wrapped in layers of red tissue, torn pieces of the parachute. But beneath he is just … _naked_.

“Don’t worry, I didn’t look.” Rey walks over to him and casts him a piece of his clothes. “I used the force to take them off.” Ah, how comforting!

“What happened?”

“I knocked you out. Actually, I didn’t mean to. Your injuries must be pretty bad.” She seems to enjoy this. Probably he deserved it.

“No, I mean, how did we get here?”

Why does her expression become so clouded? “I thought you’d figured that out,” she snaps. Why is she so pissed at him? He must be missing something. Kylo puts his clothes on beneath the parachute. He needs to know what happened. It’s time to get her to talk. Maybe, if he’s … nice?

“Thank you.”

“For what?” she asks suspiciously.

He is definitely missing something important.

“For drying my clothes?” Is there something else she expects him to thank her for?

“Oh. You’re welcome.” For sure, there must be something. Why did she knock him out? Yes, he keeps mocking her Jedi attitude but usually she just endures it. What was the last thing he had said? Something about the Leadership exploding … Oh!

“You didn’t!” he shouts in disbelief.

“Did what?” Her voice sounds insecure. If he wasn’t sure before, he knows now. She _did_.

“After all that I had just done to you!” No, don’t start to mock her again, idiot. If you want her to talk, ask her _nicely_.

“Why? Tell me what happened. Please.”

Rey sighs. “I just wanted to check if you’re ok. Your ship was under attack and I had left you chained up. I reached out with the force, just to make sure that you had been freed.” She sounds helpless. “There was nothing. As if you weren’t there. I went back to check on you. You were unconscious. It was very bad. I ordered a band of stormtroopers to get you to the hangar and see to it that you leave.”

This girl is just unbelievable. Why in the name of the force would she do that?

“Ok, so how did I end up in a TIE with you?”

“I had to get out there, too. Once I had gotten into that TIE, the whole hangar just … caved in. Your stormtroopers were gone, you were still unconscious and I was piloting the only functioning ship left.”

“Don’t tell me you stopped to pick me up!” She risked her life? For him? Why would _anyone_ do that?

“No, there was no time. I … I caught you on the fly. The maneuver damaged the TIE though. Once I had it under control again, the Leadership’s hyperdrive exploded behind us.”

_Us._ He really likes the sound of it when she says it, meaning him and her.

“You saved me twice,” he says with a thoughtful tone.

“I wish I could say that I’m sure you would have done the same for me.” Not exactly fair, is it now?

The look on his face becomes stern and he turns toward the water. “We might have drowned in there, you know.”

They sit in silence for quite a while. It feels good. They went through this together.

“So, how do we get off here?” Her voice cuts through the comforting silence like a knife. How silly of him to think that she might enjoy this, too.

“I don't know. We chose this planet because it is not inhabited by any higher life forms.”

“I think I saw an old resistance base on the way here.” Yeah, that is exactly like them. Some hidden hole in some swamp on a planet of swamps in some remote system of fucking swamp planets! Why does this idea displease him so much?

“Alright then.” Kylo is surprised at the calmness in his voice. “Let's just get some sleep first. We'll figure it out tomorrow.”

Kylo can hear her breathing. She must have been quite exhausted, because she fell asleep immediately. It feels good to have her near. It hits him that for the first time since he ever heard of her, it is OK for him to like her just as she is. No need to tell himself that he will turn her. He smiles and drifts off to a deep, dreamless sleep. When he wakes up, Rey has assembled a pile of magnetic stones. One stone is dangling above the pile in a self-made rope. How long has he slept?

\---

“Oh good, you are awake! I think I got our latitude. You don't happen to know how far off we are in longitude from where I had the pleasure to meet Phasma?” Mh, she likes to feed him some subtextual sarcasm for breakfast.

He pretends to not notice. “Uhm, I guess if we were heading down straight from the Leadership, we shouldn't be too far away. The vessel was kept on a course directly overhead.”

Rey needs a moment to process this information. He had indicated that some special technology would have been necessary to de-cloak the Leadership, but anyone could have found them _there_. Anyway, that's excellent news.

Suddenly, Kylo starts to laugh and she casts him an inquisitive look.

“I am the _Supreme Leader_ , the most powerful force wielder known to be alive,' - he glances at her sideways - 'yet. And I'm stuck on a fucking swamp planet in the system of nowhere ...” Is he joining the sarcasm club?

“Are you drowning in self pity?” Rey interrupts incredulously, but he ignores her.

“... and Luke knows how much I _hated_ these training trips to the swamps. Yet, here I am, enjoying myself.” Rey stares at him in disbelief, but he goes on. “I just thought that I am not so eager to get off this planet. Actually, I like spending time with you.”

Rey still cannot believe it. Does he mean that? Honestly?

He elaborates. “Look, for once it doesn't matter that we are on opposite sides of the war!” He looks at her with a naïve, hopeful expression that she has never seen. “Come on, we just saved each other's lives yesterday.” His voice trails off when he sees the defensive look on her face.

It is time to get things straight. How can she put this? “No!”

He seems to be waiting for an explanation. Alright then …

“I mean, yes, while we are here, it does make sense that we work together. To get off. But we are still enemies. Yes, you saved my life yesterday. But that was probably in your own best interest. Our chances to survive this place and find a way to contact the outside world are much higher while we stay together. You know that, so that’s why you pulled me out.”

Why does he look so sad? He cannot possibly think that sides do not matter here!

Rey exhales. “Look, it’s not like we just _happened_ to be on opposite sides. So many people in this galaxy never get to make a decision. They are just drawn into a war that is not theirs. They have to fight for some idea they don’t support or for some leader they’ve never met. They may share the same hopes and dreams but they just happen to fight each other. And then they die. But that’s not _us_. _You_ , you were given the privilege of making your own decision and you’ve made your choice!”

He looks at her for a long time before he speaks. “So have you. Yet here we are.”

“No! It’s not that simple. You keep making your choice every day. Before you became Supreme Leader, you _chose_ to destroy Luke’s temple and you _chose_ to kill your father. And since then, you have _chosen_ to mercilessly hunt down the resistance, killing any family I’ve ever known!” No, not tears again, please.

“Rey … “ Is he pleading with her? No, he won’t get to apologize now. She can’t bear it.

Rey feels her temper rising as she continues. “How _dare_ you ask me to forget our enmities when just _yesterday_ you sabotaged my efforts for a truce that would have saved so many lives! I may not be able to let you die.” She pauses, trying to get control over her trembling voice. “But for the sake of the galaxy and myself, I truly wish you wouldn’t live.”

The sentence hangs in the air like a knife. Rey knows the words are true even if the thought had never occurred to her before. Kylo’s face is an open book like always and he is _hurt_. She has to get out of here, right now.


	8. Disconnected

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> How did Rey manage to block the connection for two years?

Rey is running through the forest. Fast. She just wants to get away. Why is she even in this? What does the bloody force want with her? She has been wondering ever since she found out about the connection.  
It was the day after they had left Crait. The memory is still clear. It keeps replaying in her head from time to time.  
Rey was sitting on a bench inside the falcon. Finn came over to her. He must have noticed her troubles. “Are you alright?”  
“Can you help me with these?” She gestures towards the ancient Jedi texts.  
“Uhm. I'll try. What do you need me to do?” Rey smiled inwardly. Whatever his imagination, it must have been intimidating.  
“Can you teach me how to read?”  
Finn looked at her with surprise, but there was neither condescension nor pity in his expression. Instead, he smiled and seemed relieved. “Sure.”  
It was then that Rose came over to them. “Finn, can you help me with the communication device?” A long silence followed. Finn seemed unsure what to do. Hesitantly, he finally answered, “well, actually Rey is much better at this technical stuff.”  
“No.” Rey hurried to interrupt him. II mean, not right now. I'm really tired. Please go and help Rose with this. I'm sure it's more important than some old books. These pages have been rotting in some forgotten cave for centuries. I'm pretty sure they can wait another day.” Rey felt like an idiot. She really needed to find out anything she could about force connections. Still, she would not disgrace herself by struggling with Rose over Finn’s attention when there was definitely something _more_ between the two, something she did not seek from him. She needed him as a friend. Friends shouldn’t be jealous.  
Finn had been reluctant to leave, but Rey's reassuring look had finally convinced him. Now Rey was alone in the falcon. Sure enough, as if it _knew_ , the connection came alive. Rey really needed to learn how to prevent this.  
“How do I stop this from happening?” She burst out immediately. A fateful dialogue followed.  
“Oh, you want to … _un_ -bridge our minds? Well, for sure you won't find the answer in these.” He nodded at the Jedi texts. Rey was not sure how he was able to see them.  
“Why not?”  
“This is not some light side magic voodoo.” His pejorative attitude hung in the air for a while.  
“How do you know?” she snapped back. “We don't even know if it was really Snoke who did it. After all, we are still connected, even though he is dead.”  
His face showed a knowing smile. Rey was sure that he was waiting with his answer just annoy her, to enjoy his advantage.  
“It wasn't Snoke. He had just sensed it when the connection formed and used his knowledge to unsettle you.”  
“But if this is not Snoke's making, whose is it?'  
“No one's, Rey. Don't you understand? It's the force! In its constant strive for balance it has sought us out! Just like Snoke said: darkness rises and light to meet it. I’m the darkness, you’re the light.”  
“It’s permanent then?” Rey asks tentatively, barely able to hide the horror from her voice. “There’s no way I can stop it?”  
His face went dark. “You really want to shut yourself off? I have to warn you against it.”  
“There is a way? Tell me!” Rey insisted.  
He sighed. For once, it sounded like he was honestly concerned.  
“This connection is about balance. Both, without and within. We may be representing darkness and light, but we both have a part of the other side _inside_ ourselves.” He searches Rey’s eyes. “You have always embraced your darkness. It does not control you, but it is strong and you know that it is a part of you. I for my part …” He sighs again. There is an unfamiliar sadness in his voice and he looks down. “Snoke made me think I had to cut myself off from the light. You know what I did. You’ve _seen_ it.” He searched her eyes again and admitted: “I was so wrong.” There was a long silence before he continued. “It was too late for Han Solo when I realized my mistake. But the moment I started to revolt against Snoke, the moment I realized that I would _never_ be able to kill my own mother …” his voice broke but he steadied himself and continued. “When I accepted that my light was a part of me which I would never be able to erase, that’s when the connection was formed.”  
Rey’s thoughts were spinning. She tried to digest all that she had heard. ‘”So, if I want to break the connection, I just have to cut myself off from the dark side.”  
“Please don’t!” His voice was afraid. “Rey, you don’t know what you are talking about. The dark is a part of you. Shutting it out will cause you aguish beyond imagination.” He truly seemed concerned about this, but Rey was not in the mood to wonder why he thought that it compared to him shutting out the light. She knew what she had to do now. She could hear him scream when his face faded away. ‘Rey no, _no_!’  
The light inside her was blinding. When there was no darkness to swallow it, the light became almost unbearable. The memory fades away. The light had been stinging like that ever since, torturing her beyond what she had ever imagined. Until she gave up her defense against the connection yesterday. It had been so peaceful inside her tonight. With Kylo close, she had had no reason to block the connection, so she had allowed herself to keep her darkness. It had been such a relief. At least as long as he wasn’t talking. He has other ways to make her feel bad. Rey can’t help but smile about it.  
She should be far enough from him now. It is time to raise the barrier again if she doesn’t want him to find her. Yet, after letting go for almost a day, Rey feels much more reluctant to rip herself apart again. How had she endured this for two years? Rey needs all her strength to block out her negative feelings. Hatred, contempt, desire, they seem to push back in more strongly. Maybe it is because Kylo is still close.


	9. Smugglers’ tales

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey learns that Kylo has a weird strain for pets. However, his manipulative manner finally sends her over the edge.

Rey is standing on a clearing. She does not remember exactly how she got here but she must have been running for hours. Hopefully, at least she managed to shake him off.  
Rey takes a thorough look at her surroundings. Between the trees, she can make out a creepy pair of eyes. She can feel a shudder running down her spine. Little hairs on the back of her neck erect. She is not a coward, so she starts to move towards the trees. The force tells her that this is a living being. She should not be afraid, but she is scared to the bone.  
It leaps forward and Rey’s heart nearly stops. The giant animal has bridged the distance between them in one elegant jump. It is showing its giant fangs and it hisses. It would be terrifying, only that Rey cannot help herself but admire it. It is majestic, like a lion grown too large, with water-proof fur and a tail resembling that of a beaver. It has got webbing between the toes. An oversized lion adapted to the swamps. Magnificent! Dangerous nevertheless. Rey reaches out into the animal’s mind. She needs to know if she is being considered as prey. There is no hunting instinct there, just pain and fear. Rey reaches up a hand. She wants to touch the animal, get a clearer picture of what is wrong with it, when –  
A stone hits the animal precisely between the eyes at an impossible speed. The giant beast drops dead on the spot. “No.” Rey gasps. She turns around to see Kylo on the other side of the clearing. “What are you doing!” she shouts. Is he out of his mind?  
“Saving you from an Undi-lioness.” He replies coolly, approaching them.  
“Saving me?! I was just fine! Why did you have to kill it!”  
Kylo arrives and walks around the giant corpse. Then he ushers her to look at its hind leg. “Get over it. She was doomed to die anyway.” He points to a large festering would. “Trackers’ work. Their traps sometimes remain sharp for decades.”  
“How did you know it’s a she?” Rey does not know what to think. She is still mad at him but she gets a feeling that Kylo knows these gorgeous beasts and she would like to know how.  
“The males have a mane.” He answers matter-of-factly. Then he walks off into the trees. Rey starts to follow him but a hand movement tells her to stay behind. Kylo soon returns with two cubs under his arms.  
“The lionesses protect their offspring with their lives. A female like this, deadly wounded and sensing a threat to her cubs, that’s a very dangerous encounter. Adult animals can resist the force. You cannot control their minds for long.”  
Rey’s anger vanishes at the sight of Kylo with the cubs. It stirs something deep inside of her. He walks over to the carcass and sets the little feline predators down. They start to nudge the body, meowing helplessly. The scene is heartbreaking.  
“They needed to understand that she is dead,” Kylo says when he gently pulls them away. “I suggest we make a fire. It will warm the cubs and we can grill some of her meat.”  
Kylo walks around the clearing, looking for a suitable spot for the fire. Rey ponders if she can eat the meat of this awesome animal, in front of the cubs even. She would rather go and hunt some birds, but she is so curious to hear the story of Kylo and the lions that she stays and helps gathering firewood.  
\---  
“Han used to smuggle Undi-lion cubs. When I was with him on his “missions”, I was allowed to play with them. They were the closest I ever got to having friends as a child. I was able to reach into their minds. I think it’s why he allowed me to play with them even though he would rather have me play with other kids my age “like any other bloody normal boy”. I knew what the cubs needed so I was good at keeping them healthy. Undi-lions are not made for captivity. They don’t last long. I knew how to keep the cubs entertained and I could ease the longing for their mothers. The buyers were always very happy about their condition.”  
Kylo helps himself with a piece of meat. Rey is repelled and fascinated in equal measure about his ability to eat the mother’s meat with his right hand while absent-mindedly using his left hand for playing with the cubs. This is sick. She hasn’t been able to eat a bite. When he starts to _feed_ some of the meat to the cubs, Rey is sure she will throw up soon. She is about to say something when he continues.  
“I never really got why Han wasn’t comfortable with me getting involved with them too deeply. I assumed it was about the force, reading minds and all. Until one day I discovered the truth … “  
The cubs refuse to eat the meat and look at him with apprehension, meowing. He sighs, takes back the piece of meat, eats it himself and picks up a stone. Rey watches him with growing astonishment as he throws the stone into the distant trees. The speed is unnatural. Some birds cry out and fly up. There is a distant thud as if something dropped from a considerable height. Kylo stretches out his hand and a dead bird comes flying into it. He drops it in front of the cubs. “There you go, dummies.” Kylo looks at Rey as if he is waiting for her to admit that she would rather like a bird, too. Rey is determined to deny him this satisfaction, so he just continues his story while he watches the cubs fight over the bird.  
“Han even laughed at my stupidity for thinking they would be kept as pets when clearly no one but me would qualify as a master. I think Han just felt guilty. Condescension was his usual way to hide it.”  
The cubs have managed to rip the bird in two and start to tear out the bowels. Kylo seems to enjoy the scene. Rey suddenly misses the clean, bloodless way of preparing portions. Her hunger is gone.  
“I don’t know what was worse. Finding out that my dad and my uncle Chewie, my space heroes, were trapping and slaughtering the mothers, or that they would give away the cubs, _my friends_ , and sell them for their water-repellent _fur_.” Kylo turns away from the cubs and faces Rey. “Perhaps the worst of it all was Han’s indifference. His true indifference about the lions' fate and his faked indifference about my consternation and my sense of betrayal.” He looks back to the cubs who are now lying around peacefully, blood all over them. Each is gnawing at a chunk of meat.  
“I never even told my mum. I knew she would have picked a fight with him over it. She would have made him apologize to me eventually. Maybe she would have even made him buy me a dog. As if I had only lost a pet.” He sneers. “From that day on, I was done with Han Solo. I had always known that _I_ wasn’t the son _he_ wanted, but that was the moment I knew _he_ wasn’t the father _I_ wanted.”  
“How old were you?” Rey puts a lot of effort into her intonation to hide her pity.  
“I think it was the day after my eighth birthday. That day, I let Snoke into my head for the first time.” Rey chokes. She is painfully reminded that she never even _had_ a birthday, let alone parents who could disappoint her.  
“Yeah, and how did that go?” she sneers, but she immediately bites her tongue. Can’t she just _behave_? It’s not his fault that she still envies him for his childhood.  
“Listen, I know you saw some kind of father figure in Han, and I’m sorry to cast a slur on his glorious memory, but in the end, Han was a thief.”  
There it is again. Kylo Ren has a habit of using the truth against her. Every time he opens up to her, every time he shares an intimate memory with her, he always seems to have an ulterior motive. Han had been kind to her and his death had left a hole in her heart. Nothing that Kylo says could ever change that.  
“Was,” Rey retorts colly.  
“Hm?”  
“Past tense. Just like Luke, just like Leia. Maybe Han was a thief. I’m a scavenger, who am I to judge? But you, you are a murderer. How many mothers and children are on you?” Again, Rey quickly regrets her harsh words. How did the conversation go so horribly wrong? _You’re a monster_. It starts to sound like a broken record. It’s too late, he has picked it up. So be it.  
“Yeah, luminous Rey knows it all! You know what? Nothing. You know _nothing_.”  
“I _saw_ you kill Han.”  
“I did. And I’m sorry for it. And it eats at me and it haunts me at night. Is that what you want to hear? Dream on! I know what I did and what I didn’t do. Technically, Luke killed himself! And speaking of suicide … did you know that Leia was dying? I felt it. Like a cancer, Luke’s death was draining away her will of life and her strength. I’m sure she hid it well.” He glances over at Rey to verify that she did not know. He snorts and shakes his head.  
“Leia’s life was devoted to the republic and the resistance. Always a politician, a general, and more of a mother to anyone else but her own child. And to crown it all, she’d go as a martyr. We were firing on a fucking _decoy ship_ of yours. There was only _one_ human being on board and I knew. My dying mother, who refused to leave the world in dignity and with honesty, refused to tell her friends that she was sick so that everybody could have said goodbye. Just like Luke before her, she would rather have one last dramatic effect and get herself killed by _me_. Guess it runs in the family.”  
\---  
A sheer endless discussion unfolds, spiraling to a fierce argument, slowly slipping into a fight, until Kylo is unable to control his words anymore.  
“Oh, will you _stop_ blaming me for those stormtroopers who died on the Leadership yesterday! The resistance bombed that dreadnought after all! You wanna blame me for every lost soul in the galaxy since I became Supreme Leader? You had better killed me right there!”  
He looks at Rey with an unknown level of contempt. His voice becomes threateningly calm. “No, you just like to _think_ that you are right. So much light, it must be blinding. If you were truly interested in the good of the galaxy, you should have killed me back then, on the Supremacy. But actually, you are just selfish. You put your own attachment to Ben Solo, an image in your head, above all the people you pretend to love so much. Even when you know what he's become, the worst monster of all, you _save_ him, time and again! Stop lying to yourself about your motives!”  
There is a long silence after that where they just stare at each other until Rey closes her eyes. Her expression is full of pure ire. She looks like she is going to explode.  
There is a humming in the air, the enormous power of Rey summoning something. Her staff is traveling through the air for miles from where Phasma had made her leave it behind.  
“You don’t get to tell me about motives, you sick little bastard! I will not allow you to feed me your wicked manipulative nonsense for another _second_!” At the last word, Rey’s arm catches her staff, and it looks like the newly forged lightsaber ends have ignited before her hand even makes contact. Kylo notices that they are oddly colored. They are both blue, but not quite the same shade.  
Rey does not hesitate. She swings her staff hard, right down at Kylo’s head. He is barely able to ignite his lightsaber in time to defend himself, even though he had felt her summon the staff. Her resolution catches him by surprise. Rey is _stronger_ than Kylo. She has completely surrendered to her rage, while Kylo has been desperate to keep his at bay over the last 24 hours to prevent exactly _this_. Ironic. Failure and regret show on his face, but Rey is too absorbed to notice. She holds her saber locked against his, pushing him backwards.  
A lifeless smile appears on Kylo’s face. “We both know you cannot kill me.” He takes a step back and extinguishes his saber, throwing it away to prove his point. Rey presses forward, seemingly unimpressed. Kylo has to take another step back to avoid her saber-ended staff when he trips over a root, falling on his back. Fear is written on his face as he starts to question his statement. They both know that there is no need for Rey to keep her dark side locked up while they are so close. She has no need to block the connection and there is no one from the resistance anywhere near, no one to protect. She has kept her dark side locked up for so long, it must have eaten at her.  
“You’re wrong.” Rey’s eyes have attained a yellow shade and her voice is unusually cold. She lifts her arms and brings her staff to a position where she can pierce his heart with one swift stroke. Kylo’s eyes grow wide with fear. The look on his face irritates her. It is just enough to make her hold the staff up in the air for a little more than is necessary for determining where his heart would be. Then all hesitation is gone. She brings down her staff with all the strength she has found in her glorious darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No! Rey, don’t! Ahh, I can’t watch it. To be continued…


	10. Advances (Part III: Falling)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did she kill him?! Watching through my fingers … Exhale. That was close! Will they finally learn to get along?

Kylo is breathing hard. His mind is unwilling to process what just happened. He is on his forearms, his face turned towards the grass, his eyes closed as if keeping them closed might shield him from reality. Rey’s saber staff is burning a hole in the sleeve of his coat. A smell of burned cloth, wood and muddy grass stings in his nose. He knows that he has to face this. It is his fault that she lost control over herself like that. If he hadn’t rolled over the in very last minute, she would have pierced the blade right through his heart. Luke’s words ring in his ears. “I failed you.” He says them aloud. It seems like the right thing to say when you watch someone _good_ give in to the dark. Someone you care about, someone you feel responsible for, someone who should have learned from _you_ how to cope with it. After all, _his_ eyes have never become yellow.

It is time to face her. Kylo pulls at his sleeve to free his arm. Then he slowly turns around. Rey’s eyes have returned to their normal rainbow color mix. They stare at the ground in front of her in shock, right where her the remnants of Anakin’s lightsaber are still burning a hole in the ground. Then they turn to him. Rey blinks in disbelief. Kylo is trying to hide his emotions. He does not want her to know just how much she has scared him. How much he is still afraid of her. He has never been good at keeping his emotions to himself. He wishes he could hide behind his mask right now and pretend to be the monster that scares _her_. This role reversal feels wrong.

When the first shock subsides, Rey’s emotions are all over the place. Her face shows guilt, shame, anger, surprise, disappointment, self-loathing, despair … The blue beam of the lightsaber goes out and the staff falls to the ground, dropping from Rey’s hands. She stumbles backwards, still fixating the burned hole in the ground in horror. One of her hands goes to her hair in a desperate gesture. She looks so lost.

“You were right,” she pronounces. She is still in shock. “I’m a liar.”

Kylo gets up. All his fear is forgotten when he looks at her in this miserable state. It is replaced by unbearable guilt. Why did he have to provoke her like that? He should have known just how unstable she must be after two years of self-inflicted torture. The worst part, however, is that by the looks of it, she _believes_ what he said earlier.

“No, Rey,” he says calmly, slowly approaching her.

“Yes! When it comes down to it, I’m just a selfish little pretender! I may make up justifications for my actions, but I cannot run away from the fact that my motivations are at best questionable. I could never be a Jedi …” Her voice trails off and a single tear runs down her cheek.

“No, Rey, listen to me.” Once he has reached her, he grabs her by the shoulders and looks into her eyes. “I shouldn’t have said that. It’s not true! I … “ He looks to the ground, but then he takes a deep breath and faces her again. “I am the very last person in the galaxy who you should trust with this kind of judgement.” His eyes are beseeching hers. He only relaxes his stare when he sees a flicker of surrender in her eyes. Yes, she _wants_ to believe him. He needs to get through to her. Nothing has ever seemed so important to him. Kylo puts a hand to her head, turning it up to him so she is forced to look him straight in the eyes. “Rey, you are the best person I’ve ever met. Knowing that you exist makes me feel just so much more … despicable. When I demean you, I do it because I can’t bear how much you are right where I am wrong, how much you _do_ right where I do wrong.”

He can see tears welling up in her eyes. It tears at him like nothing else ever has. All he can think about is how to comfort her, how to take away her sorrows. He pulls her towards him, embracing her with his free hand, gingerly pressing her head against his chest with the other. Then he kisses her head.

“I admire you. I _adore_ you.” He wants to say so much more, but he gets the feeling that some of what is left unsaid has been transported by his voice anyway. Rey starts to cry heavily against his chest. The effect of his words surprises him. Has no one ever told her just how _adorable_ she is? He holds her in a firm grip while she starts to shake uncontrollably. Between occasional reassurance of “shh” and “it’s alright”, he ponders if none of her so-called friends has ever understood how much she craves affection and affirmation. Abandoned by her parents on a desert planet, always looking for someone to fill the void. Well, Han Solo and Luke Skywalker were never good at expressing their affection. He knows that all too well. Besides, they haven’t lived long enough for Rey to learn to let their actions speak for their hearts. Yet, what about the famous “family” that the resistance used to call itself? Okay, he would not expect much from a deserted stormtrooper of the FN series. Their training is not aimed at acquiring social skills. That pilot though, what was his name? Dameron? He had fought bravely against the interrogation. Kylo is sure that Dameron and Rey would bond easily. Somehow, he does not want to think about it. Inside of him, there is an irrational jealousy rising, which is totally out of place when Rey is crying out her heart at _his_ chest. For a short, blissful moment, he feels pride.

The moment is over when he comes to a cognition. His _mother_ had been with Rey all along. Leia Organa would have done everything in her power to be the parent, the mentor Rey was looking for. This woman’s heart was endless. In her, Rey would have found all the affection she needed. Unless …

Kylo looks down at Rey with a sad look. She is still shaking, but she has calmed somewhat. Can it be? He knows it all too well. There is only one way to evade Leia Organa’s warmth: you have to avoid her. Did Rey avoid them all? Why would Rey shut herself off from her friends? Why wouldn’t she allow them to tell her how much they must love her? For sure, anyone who comes to know Rey must love her. She must have been so lonely, cutting herself off from him, from them …

It has not occurred to him before, but now he can see it clearly. The connection! She was trying to protect the resistance. A link to his mind was a threat. It had surprised him that she managed to keep up her barrier and block him out so completely for such a long time. However, today he had gotten a glimpse of what it must have cost her. She would never be able to trust herself. Therefore, she would have had had to shy away from connecting to them all too closely. Who knows what might have trickled through the bond?

Kylo’s stomach turns. He suddenly feels very sick. All this is his fault. _He_ wouldn’t stop challenging her defenses, always trying to force the connection open again, eventually even _invading her dreams_. _He_ has been chasing the resistance through the galaxy in order to find her. It must have reminded them every day of just how near they always were to total destruction. He had constantly kept her threatened in more than one way. She must have been convinced that one misstep, one moment of letting her guard down, might have caused all of them to die. And the worst thing is, she probably wasn’t all too wrong about it.

A single tear escapes the corner of his eye. “I’m sorry,” he whispers, his mouth near her ear. Her sobs have stopped. “For what?” she asks, genuine confusion in her voice. She must still be contemplating her narrow miss at killing him. He pulls back slightly and quickly wipes out his tear, before he turns to face her. “Just everything.”

„Let’s sit down,“ she orders. Her face is still full of tear tracks, but she has regained much of her composure and there seems to be a purpose behind her words. Kylo is reluctant to let go of her, but his knees have started to tremble slightly and Rey is shivering. Probably it is a good idea to relieve their legs from fighting gravity.

They sit down side by side, facing the distant fire pit. The lion cubs have curled up around each other, sleeping peacefully. The sight of them comforts him. It somewhat fills the emptiness Kylo feels from letting go of Rey. Rey must have felt it, too. She moves closer, shivering audibly as if to prove that she is only feeling cold. Kylo wraps his coat around her and rests his arm on her shoulders. Her shivering has given him a welcome excuse to hold her again. The bliss makes him forget himself for a moment. He just feels her relax under his touch, warming and calming. She is about to rest her head against his shoulder, but then he can feel her stiffen. He faces her. The expression on her face is severe.

„You know, you can’t just be sorry about everything.“

He gives her a puzzled look. For sure being sorry doesn’t make it up to her. Why would she think that he doesn’t know that?

„You don’t get to claim responsibility for all I’ve endured since we first met.“

Now he is even more puzzled. Surely, he _is_ responsible. What is her point?

“The point is … “ - creepy. Does she read his thoughts?

“The point is that I can keep telling myself that there were no other options, or that I did what I had to do, but it’s not entirely true. I’ve always had a choice, Kylo. I _chose_ this.” She looks into his eyes as if she needs him to really understand. He knows how that feels, so he reminds himself to give it a try.

“I _chose_ to leave you on Starkiller. You offered to teach me. And I gave you a scar.”

She can’t honestly mean that! That wasn’t a choice. He had just killed Han Solo while she was watching, and then he had nearly killed the first friend she ever had. He didn’t understand it back then, but he knows now that she would never have accepted his offer.

“I _chose_ to come to you to the Supremacy. You didn’t ask me to. You didn’t even get a chance to tell me not to come. I _chose_ to fight Snoke, making it inevitable that one of us had to die.”

Kylo has never looked at it that way. He has always claimed that it had been _his_ ingenious plan to lure her there, to distract Snoke and kill him and have an ally to fight the guards. How foolish of him.

“I _chose_ to leave you on the Supremacy when you were unconscious. Then I _chose_ to shut you out, to block the connection, to withdraw the anchor from my side. I _chose_ to mutilate my soul.”

He starts to see a pattern.

“Kylo, I’ve _chosen_ to get away from you when you wouldn’t come to me on my terms. I never gave you a chance to show me how we would be together on your terms.”

This is insane. His terms were insane. “How could you? All I’ve ever done was to capture you!”

“And all _I’ve_ ever done when you captured me was to flee. I’m not saying that I regret my actions. I’m just saying that I never allowed myself to see that maybe there is another way.”

“Is there?” Maybe, finally, she is willing to accept that they do not have to be enemies? “Is there another way for you?”

“I don't know.” Her voice sounds so lost, as if she is looking for guidance.

He shall be damned if he ruins this now by insisting. Anything he could say would be wrong. Instead, he pulls her closer, putting his hand to her head and gently nudging it towards his shoulder. She accepts the gesture and leans against him. It feels so good to have her close, to feel that she needs this, too. They silently agree that there is nothing more to be said.

Ben starts to caress her head and Rey closes her eyes. He tickles the back of her head in small, tender circles. A soft 'mh' escapes her and it makes him smile. A genuine, happy smile, that stretches across his face and into his brain. He has been reduced to victorious, cruel or sarcastic smiles in recent years, often barely lifting one corner of his mouth. But this ... He has almost forgotten how it feels. He softly kisses the top of her head. Thinking about how much he would like to make a habit of this, of being so close to her, so connected, he keeps smiling. Her breathing becomes flatter and slower. He moves along, reducing the intensity and pace of his tickles, until she has fallen asleep. He kisses her head once more, sensing her body movements, and when he is sure that she will not hear him, he softly murmurs, “I love you.”

Ben slowly puts a hand under her knees, careful not to wake her up. His other arm goes around her back and he lifts her up to carry her over to the remains of the fire. When she stirs, he places a kiss on her forehead and whispers, “shh, it's fine. Go back to sleep.”

He lays her down on the mossy ground, resting her on her side, curled up the way he knows she is used to. He wraps his coat around her and suppresses the urge to touch her face. Instead, his hand follows the landscape of her face and neck. He is involuntarily reminded of the day when they first met. The memory is painful. Of course, what she has said today is right. He cannot claim responsibility for all her suffering because it would make her a victim, which she is not, but that does not vindicate his actions from said day. He had no right to delve into her deepest subconscious, especially when all he was looking for was a recent memory.

Ben swears to himself that he will make it up to her while he has the chance. He remembers how she had kept him warm yesterday. Finally, he manages to drag himself away from her in order to collect more wood and rekindle the fire. Suddenly he is filled with purpose. He will keep the sleeping scavenger-girl from a desert planet warm through the cold night on Undor …

Undor … what is it about this place that makes him feel like he is a child again? Well, he will sort it out tomorrow when he has had some sleep. He is done with the fire. All he can think about now is lying down next to Rey, keeping her close, warming her. _Hmm_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ha, did we experience a subtle change in the way we refer to ourselves, your Supremacy, Lord of the swamps?


	11. Friends?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Imagine waking up in the arms of a monster who thinks you’re friends.

When Rey awakes, she thinks that waking up has never felt so good before. On Jakku, she had always felt a little cold in the morning, despite the hot climate that usually made her sweat at night. It had become a little better with the resistance, once she did not have to worry about surviving the day anymore.  
She does not remember ever waking up in anyone’s arms. This _warmth_ , the incredible sense of belonging, being important to someone. Rey can feel her soul mending around the edges of very old wounds, wounds that have been there for ages, long before she started to willfully tear her soul apart. All is forgotten and replaced with that sense of security which she feels in these strong arms.  
Suddenly, Rey is wide awake, realizing that these arms belong to _Kylo Ren_. She stiffens and turns around to find him sleeping peacefully, his arms wrapped around her tightly. Is that a smile on his face? There is no sign of the monster. He has never looked more like Ben Solo to her. Rey closes her eyes and tries to imagine that this is just Ben. She lies back down, resting her head on his biceps, giving in to the fantasy.  
“Good morning.” His voice breaks the spell. She must have woken him up. “Did you sleep well?”  
It is unmistakably the mature voice of the man who has been around her for the past two days. Whoever that is, he is not just Ben Solo.  
Rey gently frees herself from his arms and sits up. There is no need to trouble the real man next to her with her inner disappointment over the disillusion of her girlish fantasy. She stretches, pretending to consider if she slept well even though she knows that she has never slept so well before. She is just borrowing time for a response, but cannot find any. Eventually, she just nods her head.  
“What are you thinking?” he asks her gently. Damn it, is she really so transparent? She should better come up with a topic.  
“So, what’s our relationship now? I guess that one night of cuddling doesn’t exactly make us allies?”  
He frowns and Rey is sure that he sees right through her attempt to hide what she was really thinking. She is relieved when he does not press the subject.  
“Well, I hope we agree that we are past enemies?” He says is with an anxious note to it.  
“I guess so.” Why on earth did she bring this up? Now he is expecting her to make a suggestion.  
“Can we maybe … become friends?” Why does her voice have to be so insecure? Why does she worry about the following silence? Finally, she turns around to face him. The look on his face puzzles her. He is _sad_. It looks as if he just discovered that somebody has died.  
“What is it?” she asks, sincerely concerned.  
“Nothing.” He casts her a quick glance and then hastily adds, “… become friends. Sure.”  
Rey would really rather not press him but she _needs_ to know what is going on in his head.  
“C’mon, Kylo. Your face is an open book. Something I’ve just said has shaken you to the core.”  
“It’s nothing.”  
Rey will not let him get away with it. She persistently searches his eyes until he gives in.  
“Really. It’ just that … I guess, I … I guess I thought we _were_ friends. Yes, we were enemies, but I also …” He takes a deep breath and then he looks into her eyes. “I also considered you to be my friend, ever since I told you about Luke’s betrayal and you told me about the mirror in the creepy cave.”  
“What?!” Rey is completely aghast. “Do you know what you’ve done to me since then?” Fuck! Yesterday, she had been so resolute to stop the endless quarrel about the past, and yes, she had pressed him to tell her his thoughts, but now she just cannot hold it.  
“You’ve begged me to join the dark side! You’ve fired at the resistance, my family, _your_ family! Then you started to hunt me. My body _and_ my mind. I had to quite literally tear my soul apart to shield my mind from you, while you went on murdering my friends and family! Please don’t tell me that all this time, you’ve considered yourself to be my _friend_!”  
They are on their feet and it looks like he is about to throw something back at her. He stops himself and the agonizing sadness shows on his face again when he speaks with defiance in his voice.  
“Forget about it. You’re right. We’ve never been friends. And we will never be.”  
Rey immediately regrets her outburst. “Kylo, I didn’t mean to say that we can never -” but he cuts over her.  
“Just forget it! And stop calling me Kylo. I’m Ben. Or what’s left of him anyway.” He walks away to the other side of the clearing, sits down with crossed legs and starts to meditate. Rey has never seen him do that before.  
\---  
Rey is convinced that she is right, that it is insane that he would consider them to be friends all this time. Yet, something feels wrong. She hurt him.  
Rey sits down in lotus position herself. His words from last night hit her. _Is there another way for you?_ What if her truth is not the only truth there is? When will she finally learn to consider things from different angles, like Luke has told her? She needs to deconstruct this, find the weak spots in her line of thoughts.  
What does she know about friendship anyway? She has never had a friend before Finn came along. Maybe it is the same for Kylo. _Ben_.  
“Have you ever had a friend before?” The connection transports her question across the clearing. He opens his eyes. They are full of accusation for the unwanted intrusion, but he answers her nevertheless. “No. Now leave it be.”  
The revelation hits her. She knows how it feels to have no one. He must be all alone. For him, the galaxy is divided in subordinates and enemies. The sympathy she suddenly feels is overwhelming.  
“Will you spare me with your pity!” he snaps from across the connection. She must have leaked her emotions through. She should better concentrate on herself. What is friendship for her? Rey thinks of Finn, the first person in her live to come for her, her very first friend. Her _only_ friend. Leia had wanted to be her mother, Poe still wanted to be her significant other. She has shut all of them out. _Anyone_ who cared for her. Rey sighs. Over the last two years, she has not really been a friend to anyone and they have given up on her. They didn’t tell her about the bombing plan. They knowingly endangered her by not telling her, because they didn’t trust her anymore.  
“I guess I’m a bad friend anyway.” She communicates through the bond. He snorts but Rey can feel how he appreciates her pathetic attempt to cheer him up.  
She had pushed them away. Had she done the same with K- _Ben_? Would he have wanted to be her friend, but she didn’t let him? Is this why he kept teasing the connection all the time? Did he just _miss_ her? After all, they had in fact been bonding on Ahch-To. Rey sighs and sends him another pathetic thought.  
“I just realized that I have a pretty self-centered definition of friendship myself.”  
They are eye to eye again, the distance bridged. He snorts once more, but this time it sounds only half-hearted, so she continues.   
“For what it’s worth, I’ve never told anyone else about the cave.” He gives her an incredulous look. Well, that is not entirely true. She has mentioned it to Finn. “I mean, I haven’t told anyone how it made me _feel_. Just you.” Rey can see his anger fade away. Maybe, all she has to do is tell him something honest. “And I’ve never slept better than tonight. In my entire life.”  
“But you still want to go back to the resistance I suppose.” His change of subject confuses her.   
“Sure I do. But I don’t know if I even went the right direction. It might take days before we find the deserted base, if it even exists. There’s no guarantee that we’ll find any working communication technology. I guess I’m stuck with you for now.” Rey had meant the last sentence to be funny, but the sad look on his face indicates that she did not succeed in humoring him.  
“You’re not. Undi-lions are an endemic species.”  
Rey is getting more confused by the minute. Why is he talking in riddles? Is he mocking her for her limited desert vocabulary? Surely, she knows what _endemic_ means.  
“So they only live in this system,” she says impatiently.  
“They only live on this planet. I just remembered it this morning. I … I thought about not telling you. I like spending time with you like this.”  
Rey reaches up a hand to touch his cheek. It is weird to be talking over the connection when they are still in sight of each other. He understands and starts to walk over to her.  
“I’ve been here before. I didn’t recognize it at first, but I know this planet. When I was a boy, I would sometimes accompany Han planetside … .“ There is a pause. _Oh_. The lions!  
“I don’t know why I didn’t get it when we arrived here. I saw the backside of the planet from the bridge. There is a huge crater on it. It looked familiar, but I couldn’t place it. Then I had all these childhood memories when we stranded here and there were lions here. I guess a part of me knew all the time.”  
“Knew what?” Rey still does not really get it. So he has been here before, when he was barely eight. What difference does it make?  
“There is a smugglers’ hideout in the crate on the backside of the planet. It will have communication technology.”  
“Are you sure?” Suddenly Rey is excited. “You said it’s on the other side of the planet. How do we get there!?”  
He sighs. “You really wanna get out of here, don’t you?” _Oh_. He thinks she wants to leave him.  
“Ben, I … This is not about –“  
“It’s alright.” His voice is calm and he hides his disappointment well. “You want to get back to your friends. I get that.”  
“You’re my friend, too, I guess,” she says quietly, “but I have to get back. They’ll be worried.”  
He seems to consider this for a moment. Then he gets up. “Let’s go, then. You should contact your friends. If we hurry, we might make it to the crater in a few hours.”  
“How?” The determination in his voice confuses her. His smugness is back and she cannot help but find it … intriguing. And annoying. He does not answer and just gives her a knowing smile. Is he … teasing her? Who is this man who seems to be _enjoying_ himself?  
He walks over to the fire pit and grabs some leftover meat. He looks over to Rey as if to ask her if she wants some and shrugs when she determinedly looks another way. “C’mon, buddies.” He gently picks up the lion cubs. They were still asleep. They hiss. He is unimpressed. “Yeah, I know you guys like to sleep in, but my _friend_ over there has some important business and so we gotta get moving.”  
It surprises Rey that he wants to take them with him. They will be a burden. Rey has never seen him show affection for anyone or anything other than her.  
He must have noticed her staring, for he walks over and holds one of them out to her. “Aren’t they cute?” It hisses. Rey is lost for words. Ben Solo alias Kylo Ren is using the word _cute_.  
“I don’t know,” she replies honestly. The memory of them tearing apart the bird is still vivid and the cub hissing at her is still covered with dried blood. Whatever. Rey takes up the baby predator and inspects it. It stops hissing and lets out a heartbreaking meow. Rey smiles. Ben seems satisfied.   
He uses his free hand to whistle and a very strange sound comes out of his mouth. After a while, the earth begins to tremble. Rey tenses, but when she feels Ben watching her with expectant curiosity, she forces herself to stay calm. She will not give him the satisfaction of showing how terrified she feels, or how much his edge unsettles her. Just because he will probably not expect her to trust him does not mean he has to know that she is scared when – _holy shit!_ – a group of giant pink birds comes galloping onto the clearing. Rey takes a step back while Ben just raises his hand and the foremost bird comes to a halt directly in front of him.  
“Hi Obi. Remember me?” Did he just address the bird with a _name_?  
Ben stretches out his hand and the ostrich-like animal bends down its ridiculously thin neck. Rey is still trying to calm down. It had taken all her self-control to stifle a scream at the sight of those feathered beasts running towards them full speed. It is not comforting that this very moment, _Obi_ bites Ben’s palm so hard that it starts to bleed.  
“Ah, you do, don’t you” Ben says delighted, as if he had only received a handshake. Obi stretches his giant wings. Ben seems to mirror the gesture. He looks odd with his arms outstretched like that, holding them until the bird folds its wings back in place. The lion cub is dangling from his right hand. The bird bends its knees and sits down.  
“Take one of the others and do the same what I just did,” Ben orders. Rey’s mouth falls open. No!   
“C’mon, don’t be shy. This one is a female. Her name is Ami.” He nods at the bird to the right. There is a giant knot in Rey’s throat. Ben seems to notice her hesitation.  
“Trust me, they are basically nice creatures. If you don’t make a mistake, they won’t hurt you.” Yeah, that’s encouraging. She shall trust him, really? Raising the friendship issue was a very stupid idea.  
Rey swallows and walks over to _Ami_. She holds out her hand, bracing herself for the bite, but Ami just nips. Rey can feel Ben’s eyes on her. He seems to be fond of her so far and suddenly she does not want to disappoint him. When Ami stretches her wings, Rey lifts her arms and holds them. Ami seems determined to test her. She keeps her wings in place. Rey does not move, even though the weight of the cup tears heavily on her right arm. Amy folds back her wings and sits.  
“Now, get on her back. Be careful with the cup. Don’t let it bite her. Ah, and don’t drop it.”  
“What? No, I’m not mounting this … _her_.” Rey’s desire to please him is gone.  
“Don’t be stupid, it will cost you a day if you walk.” In a swift move, Ben is on Obi’s back. Show-off.  
“If I do it, will you tell me what’s the plan? We’re not riding around the planet on _Ami_ and _Obi_ , are we?” Rey wanted to make it sound ironic but the insecurity in her voice gives her away. She hastily adds another question. “Who gave them names anyway?”  
“I named them after my childhood heros: Kenobi, my grandma. Nowadays, I might rather give them names like “Vader” or “Sidi”.” – Rey stares at him – “Don’t make such a face! That was a joke. I named them after dead people from my family’s history who I’ve never met. It turned out that the version I was told was incomplete. Now get up there.”  
Rey obeys. She does not know how, but somehow she ends up on Amis back without harming the cub, the bird or herself. “Where are we going?”  
“If I told you, it would spoil all the fun, wouldn’t it? Heeyah!” _Fun_? Rey is not sure if she would call it that. Ami stands up abruptly and follows Obi into a breathtaking gallop through the thick forest. Rey presses her chest against the bird’s back to keep herself from falling. On one or two turns, she needs to tap the force to prevent them from falling off. It takes some time for her to understand the weird movements of the bird’s legs. Once she is used to it, Rey relaxes a little.   
Ben looks over his shoulder. “You ok?” She nods. They reach another clearing and Rey is shocked to see Obi spread his wings. No!  
It is amazing. After a forceful jump, the unrythmic gallop is replaced by a graceful soaring. It is not like the kind of flying she knows. She is not the pilot. It feels … organic. Like it is meant to be. Rey reaches out with the force to feel Ami’s giant wings, to share her experience. She can feel little changes in thermal updraft in her feathers, feel herself move her powerful wings without much effort, feel the freedom of movement in three dimensions.  
It is over much too soon. They land on a lake and Rey recognizes the place.


	12. Resurrection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some psychic bonding stuff

“Impossible.” Rey is still breathing hard. The adrenaline makes her light-headed and she is still smiling, but what he wants to do is beyond her abilities.

"Of course we can do it. I can show you my power."

Ben grabs her hand and opens his mind. Rey hesitantly ventures into it. There is an image of his strength that he has pushed to the surface for her to find. She swallows and inspects it. It is a reflection of his inner strength. It is surrounded by clouds of darkness. The clouds seems to form an endless sea of pain. Every black cloud contains a memory. Rey would like to linger, relive them, but she knows that it would weaken her. Unlike him. His strength draws from all these painful memories. Rey dives through the clouds and finds his impersonated strength in the middle, meditating above a massive black rock. It is a reflection of Ben, not younger but unmarred. No scar, no dark under-eye circles. As if it withstands every painful experience. Every time a piece of Ben’s soul is chopped off, he can rely on his strength to remain intact. It looks … powerful. In contrast to Ben, his strength is oddly balanced. No temper issues, no outbursts. In the center of its chest, where the heart would be, there is a feeble light. Faint, but steady. Is this all he has to counter the stifling darkness that surrounds him?

“Show me yours,” he demands.

Rey has never been there, but she thinks she knows where to look. After two years of fighting Ben’S repeated intrusions into her mind, it feels odd to suddenly let him enter freely.

It is a desert. The sun is burning unnaturally bright. It is not hot and Rey likes it, but she can tell that it hurts Ben, who is following her. They are climbing a dune. There are no clouds to be seen. Only dunes to the horizon, and the bright sunlight. There she is. Rey’s inner strength hovers atop the dune, meditating like Ben’s. She looks every inch like Rey. Maybe a bit young. Rey’s strength does not come from memories. It comes from within her. It is facing a distant desert village, which is bustling with life. Its gaze is full of love. It’s protective.

Rey gasps when she notices the ball of darkness in its chest, exactly where Ben’s strength has had light. It pulses uncontrollably. One second it grows so large that it swallows her, the next it implodes, before it reemerges. The pulsing has no rhythm. It is just chaos.

“I think I damaged it when I shut out the darkness.” Rey’s voice is calm, but she feels afraid. She has never allowed herself to picture the damage she had inflicted on her inner balance.

“Your darkness is not like mine,” he observes. He seems to be surprised.

“I need to find a way to fix it I guess.”

“How?”

“Do you think you could give me some of your darkness?”

Did she really just propose this? Is she crazy? But this … pulsar. Maybe it would stabilize around a more calm kind of darkness. Like his …

“I suppose I would have to take some of your light in return.” He sounds disgusted.

“Would that really be so bad? It’s not like you actually have a lot.”

“Will you raise the TIE with me if I say yes?”

“If I get the darkness stabilized, I guess I could try.” Luke’s words ring in her ears. _With the force, you don’t try. Either you do it, or you don’t._ “Yes, if you agree to an exchange, we will raise the fighter together.”

Ben pushes a dark cloud from his mind into Rey’s desert. It is a memory. Now it is her _own_ memory.

She was a boy, about eight years old. There was a party going on. Parties were so dull. The boy hated it. His mother talked to politicians like always. His father told lies to sound impressive like always. The other kids were playing hide and seek. It was a boring game. The boy did not see a point in playing it when you can sense the location of any living being for miles.

The boy decided to climb a tree. It was a giant sycamore. He decided to climb it without the force as a challenge. Of course, he could applied the same trick to the stupid game if he had had any interest in bonding with the other kids. But they were useless. They didn’t know any fancy tricks he could learn. They didn’t like to play mind games. They just sucked, like the whole party. He reached the top. Sulking, he picked dead leaves from the branches, crunched them between his fingers and watched the pieces fall to the floor.

A mistake. The other kids started to use his tree for a safe house. A boy he superficially knew and disliked, about two years his superior, noticed his crumbles and looked up.

“Yo, prince! Think you’re above us?” he mocked.

“Leave me alone.” You better listen.

“What if not?”

Little Ben threw a knot of dead leaf down at the boy. Ahh, another mistake. He was having a bad day obviously. Did he ever have good days?

“You think you’re smart hiding up there?” The boy began to climb the tree. Stupid sun of a …

“Leave it, it’s too high for you.” If this nerve-racking brat fell from the tree and broke his neck, it was gonna fall on him.

“They say you’re some kind of magician. Why don’t you stop me with your voodoo?”

The boy in the treetop calculated the right height for a fall. Enough to hurt, safe to stay alive. When the other boy reached it, he waved his hand. A strong breeze shook the branch that the other boy was standing on. He fell. Rather badly, on his back. Stars, this kid didn’t even know how to fall. Ben rolled his eyes.

The other kids came running. Ben jumped down from the tree to land next to the injured idiot. He reached out with the force for any serious injuries. No broken bones, just bruises and shock. Less than he deserved.

“He’s gonna be ok,” he said to the other kids in an impartial tone. Then he walked away towards his parents. He had to check if he was in trouble now. He never really figured out what kind of actions got him into trouble. It seemed like everything he did was potentially wrong. He closed his eyes and concentrated on his mother. She was in the pavilion, fighting with his father. Fighting was their favorite way to pass the time when they were together. Reluctantly, Ben tuned in.

“I told you, we can’t continue to keep him around and pretend he’s normal.”

“Han, he’s just a boy like any other. He is just gifted with the force, that’s all.”

“He just made another kid fall out of a tree!”

“I’m sure it was an accident.”

The boy focused on his mother. “It wasn’t. I didn’t like him. He was stupid and he deserved it.” He knew she heard him. Now he was in trouble for sure.

\---

The memory has settled nicely above the head of Rey’s inner strength. It provides an anchor for the darkness in its chest. The dark ball has calmed, the size changes stay within a certain range now.

The cloud casts a shadow on the sand. Rey takes the blocked cylinder of light and gingerly sends it into Ben’s mind until it shines on his meditation rock. The light inside Ben’s strength grows twice its size in response. She can hear him grunt. Rey smiles. They disentangle their minds and stare at each other, transfixed about what has just passed between them. They each host a piece of the other now.

Ben takes Rey’s hand and they turn to face the brownish water. In their minds, they picture the spacecraft. It has sunk quite deeply. They each reach out their free hand and then they pull. Rey taps into her strength and it is a completely new experience. She is used to accessing the light. The darkness, however, was never willfully accessible to her. Now she can wield it, too, and it feels incredible.

When the TIE fighter rests safely on the bank, they both sink onto the wet grass.

“Do you think it will fly?” Rey had not even considered to raise the fighter after the crash because she had been sure that it wouldn’t work.

Ben grins. Rey has never seen him do that. Is it the thrill? Or perhaps her light? Should she be worried if his darkness makes her character change, too? He’s got nice teeth. She could get used to it.

“Hux had the new series to be made waterproof.”

“You’re kidding me.”

“No. He was obsessed with heading a raid on Naboo. He wanted to leave an impression and fly TIE’s over Gungan City.”

“This is absurd!”

“Hux is absurd.” He grins again. Rey cannot take her eyes off his face. It has never before occurred to her that he is _handsome_.

“When he heard that we were heading to a swamp planet system, he asked me to equip the Leadership with new series TIEs, just in case we would get a chance to try their new abilities.”

Rey needs to force herself to listen. His teeth are … shiny. He turns away from her open staring. Is he shy? Ah, that’s _cute_. Focus!

“Are you saying that we can try it right now? It doesn’t need to … dry or anything.” There was water inside after all.

“I guess we should take a rest. It’s been quite the adventure so far. You look exhausted.”

She considers this. It is tempting. She could try to make him grin for her some more while they rest …

Rey shakes her head. Her responsible side gets the better of her. “I should let them know that I’m ok.”

He nods. “You know what? You rest. I repair and I fly.” He looks exhausted, too. Did he even recover from his injuries yet? Rey wants to protest, but her eyelids feel so heavy and talking would be too much of an effort …

\---

She wakes up from a sequence of beeps and Ben’s series of obscene swearwords and looks up drowsily. “What’s up?” They are inside the fighter and it’s flying. Impressive. The cubs are there, too. Does he intend to keep them?

“Resistance. They must have used the hideout to coordinate their attack on us. Clever.”

“They’re here?”

“Yes, and they’ve already spotted us, so you better talk to them.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you're missing sexual activity:  
> In the very first chapter, I made it clear that there is a strong physical attraction, which may occasionally overrule the protagonists’ reason. I figured that some readers may be disappointed by the platonic nature of the characters’ recent advances, given that they were spending time together on a deserted planet.  
> Yet, think about the sheer unbridgeable divide between them. The ending of TLJ drove them apart again and I wanted to show how they both involuntarily even furthered their estrangement since. Honestly, they can’t just end up in bed and forget everything.  
> The Reylo fanfics I read so far (good stuff!) typically establish some form of sexual relationship early on and have the characters fix their issues with each other afterwards. I think this is what happens a lot in the real world, but it is not how things unfold in this version of the Star Wars universe. I want my main characters to have an idea of what they mean to each other first. They shall believe that they may have a future together before they become intimate. It also adds some depth to the ending.  
> Be sure that they will become intimate eventually and that I will not stop them somewhere in mid-action just to tease the reader. There will also be some heavy adult content. There will be pain, there will be tenderness, there will be smut. Eventually, it’s getting more dirty than some of you might like. Be careful what you wish for … Let’s at least return to kissing for now (spoiler!).


	13. Parting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey returns to the resistance, which means that she has to part ways with Ben again. Goodbye is unexpectedly hard, but there is always the possibility to stress the force connection …

“What are we gonna do?”

“We’ll go there. You get out of the TIE. I fly off. It’s as easy as that.”

“No!” Actually, why not? Sounds reasonable, doesn’t it?

The loudspeaker ends the quarrel. “ _Black TIE fighter on the horizon. This is Poe Dameron speaking. Identify yourself. Then we may decide not to shoot you_.” Ahh, Rey has missed his unique disrespect for protocol. She eagerly grabs the communication device.

“Poe! Poe, don’t shoot! We’re coming over.”

Ben looks at her, amused. He raises his brows and his mouth forms a silent “We?” Rey bites her lip.

“ _Rey? Rey, is that you! Please verify! Wait, did you say ‘we’? Who else is with you?_ ”

“Repeat, this is _Rey_!” She looks around the tiny cockpit. “I’m with … I’ve got two Uni-lion cubs with me. I kinda got their mother killed, so I felt responsible.”

Ben raises his brows again. Rey shrugs. Avoiding lies without telling the truth is one of her specialties.

“ _Lions? What the … Ah, whatever, Rey. Just come over. I’m so glad that you’re here._ ”

“Enter a landing sequence,” Ben suggests once Poe has hung up. “There is one that will land us upside down, so you can get off easily and I will be able to fly off the moment you’re out. I guess they’ll follow me, but don’t worry. I’m a good pilot. I bet that I’m even better than Dameron.” Rey smiles inwardly at the boldly overconfident statement. She sets a sequence for the autopilot to fly as slowly as possible, because she wants to put off their parting as long as she can. Ben darts her a questioning look.

Rey hesitates, but she cannot deny how she feels. “I just realized that I don't want us to part. I ... Stars, I thought we would have more time.”

Ben raises a hand to cup Rey’s face. “It was only me who wanted to spend time together. You always wanted to return to the resistance. You miss them. I know it. They are your family.”

Rey is about to protest, but Ben shakes his head. He puts a finger over her lips and looks her in the eyes. His gaze is intense.

“Rey, all this time I had it wrong. Terribly wrong. I've been following you through the whole galaxy. I wanted to _possess_ you. I honestly thought that if I could only _find_ you, you would be mine. I never asked myself what you wanted or what you needed. Now I've seen. I’ve seen what it cost you to run from me. It tears me apart to see you like this. You were trapped here with me and it made you hurt even more. That's not you. But for once I have a chance to make it right. I let you go, Rey.”

Rey's face is full of tears. In this moment, in these words, he is all she ever wanted him to be. Why does he tell her this when he is about to leave her?

He seems to know what she is thinking. “Rey, no, don't cry. I’m _not_ leaving you! Besides, your light is a part of me now.”

He sighs and takes her in his arms while the TIE fighter slowly turns around, keeping her from falling due to the unexpected movement. “You need to go with your friends. I can't come with you. You know they'd shoot me the minute they see me. Well, they'd try anyways and someone would have to die.” He rests his forehead against hers. “But I promise you I'm not going back to the First Order to resume my role as Supreme Leader.”

Rey nods. He smiles and cradles her head, pulling it against his chest. The beauty of his smile makes her heart leap.

“I'll miss you.” She murmurs against his shirt.

He cups her face again, with both hands, and looks into her eyes with an even bigger, excited smile like he has just been given an invaluable present.

“You have no idea how long I've wished for you to say this!” The fighter is landing. Ben seals his lips to Rey’s, putting all his bittersweet longing into this one kiss. He stops and presses a button that opens the hatch. Rey is impressed with his easy orientation in a capsized ship.

Then he kisses her again, more fiercely, giving her a glimpse on his burning desire. He sweeps her off her feet and holds her over the hatch. Then he let's go. With a gasp, Rey falls down and he stops her fall easily with the force.

What a show! Is he displaying his strange sense of humor again? Rey needs a moment to regain her composure. There are still tears in her eyes and she wipes them away quickly when she sees Poe approaching, followed by Artoo. The feeling of Ben’s passionate kiss is still on her lips and she is not quite sure if that is the reason for her dizziness or if it is simply a symptom of the way he had dropped her, only catching her in the last second.

Above, the hatch has closed and the engines are roaring.

“Rey!” Poe’s smile fades away quickly. “Didn't you say something about lions? Who is flying that ship?”

Rey looks at him and shrugs in excuse. Poe admires the way the TIE takes off from that position. He knows a good pilot when he sees one, but this maneuver makes his jaw drop.

“Don't tell me that this is Kylo fucking Ren!” He turns to Artoo, but Rey grabs his elbow and spins him back around face to face.

“Don't.” Her eyes are pleading with him. She knows he can never turn down a direct request from her, but she wants to make sure, so she hugs him. When his arms find their way around her back she knows he will not go after Ben immediately.

Suddenly she feels eyes on her. Jealous eyes. She cannot believe that he is already spying on her! Well, after he just left her like _that_ , Ben deserves to feel jealous.

Rey whispers “thank you” into Poe's ear and then kisses his cheek, before she leaves Poe standing there, overwhelmed. 

A dark pair of eyes looks at her. Ben’s connection image is kind of standing in her way. “What was that about?” he asks with an accusing yet playful tone.

Rey raises an eyebrow at him that says _seriously_?

She can hear Poe catch up with her from behind. Her lips form an overly clear _fuck off_. Ben’s expression becomes even more playful. _Damn_ , what a manchild!

“What if I don't?” he asks boldly. Rey closes her eyes and shuts out the darkness for a split second. It is only enough to end the visual connection. _Bitch!_ She can hear him in her head. His voice is full of recognition and it makes Rey proud, a feeling she has not had for what feels like a lifetime.


	14. Failures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone makes mistakes. It’s ok as long as you remember that you‘re fighting for a better future.

They sit in a small room inside the smugglers’ hideout. It is built of wood and one front is open towards the small landing platform.

Poe is looking at Rey as if to say something important. He shortly seems lost for words, but then he decides to start from the beginning.

“Rey, I don’t know how to put this so I’m gonna say it as a parable. Do you remember General Holdo?”

Finn rolls his eyes.

“No, I never really had the chance to get to know her. But you keep talking of her even though you only knew her for a day or so. I wish I had had the chance.” Rey tries to hide a mocking undertone.

“Well, she taught me a lot and I’ve been trying to do her justice in how I lead the rebellion. I’ve been trying to follow her in all the things she had right. I’ve been trying so much to avoid the mistakes she has made me see.”

Finn looks to the floor. Rey is not sure where this is going, so she asks. “Which mistakes?”

“Trying to look like a hero. Betting everyone’s lives on a flawed plan. We … we could still be hundreds …”

Finn is still looking down. Rose has returned from the bathroom. She looks very pale. Her pregnancy is giving her a hard time apparently. Rey feels a strong compassion for her. It had never occurred to her before that they have something in common. After all, they are both _women_.

“And yet, I failed Holdo because I didn’t see where _she_ failed.” Poe’s words pull Rey back to the matter at hand. Why have they all started to look so … _guilty_? Rey knows about guilt. There is absolutely no point in drowning in it.

“Hold on, Poe” She cuts over him. He wants to protest but she silences him. “Really, wait, this is important. You _all_ are not guilty that the resistance got killed that day.” She looks around to meet everyone’s eyes.

“How can you say that?” Finn asks, confused. “It was our stupid plan that not only failed but fed the crucial information to the First Order. They wouldn’t have found the transports!”

“Suppose they wouldn’t. And then what? – Yes Poe, I know what you want to say. I got it, Holdo should have told you her plan, just like you should have told me about the bombing. We will address this in a minute.” Rey’s voice has become impatient and she draws a breath to steady herself. “What do you guys think would have happened if you had just done what Holdo had told you to?”

There is silence. Rey imagines she can actually _hear_ them think in circles.

“The Raddus was out of fuel. It had only a few hours to continue like this before the First Order would have broken its shields and then they would have known that there was no one on board. Holdo would have tried to keep up the façade as long as possible. No light speed jump, the Supremacy would have remained intact. They would have found you on Crait rather sooner than later. See, Holdo’s plan was just as flawed as yours! No one answered the distress call in the end.”

“So many more people could have helped in the fight.” Poe whispers.

Rey is sure that that is a cruel illusion. “You don’t know that! You _cannot_ know what would have happened, Poe. If Snoke hadn’t known that the resistance transports were under fire, he may not have tried to kill me, might have wanted to keep me as leverage. If I hadn’t been in immediate danger, I guess Ben wouldn’t have killed him.”

“So he’s _Ben_ now” Finn sneers, but Rose puts her hand on his arm, signaling him to hush.

Rey draws another deep breath and ignores Finn. “That day, we _all_ pursued a stupid plan about how to save the resistance. And the most naïve one was definitely mine. I mean, Holdo believed in a distress call and you guys believed in a security hole. That all sounds reasonable to me. _I_ believed in a bloody force vision!”

It looks like Rey has finally got their attention at this point. If you want to demean yourself to make others feel better, talk about your force visions.

“Listen! What matters is that we _tried_. We all got so far, didn’t we?” Rey looks around and sees that they still don’t get it. She lets out a breath. “Holdo _did_ manage to evacuate half of the resistance to Crait. The resistance _did_ send a distress call. You guys _did_ find a way to break into the Supremacy. My vision _did_ come true. Ben killed Snoke. See, we all took a leap of faith and trusted in strangers. And they let us down. Does that mean we were wrong to put our faith in them in the first place? In fact, I would do it again. I’m sure Holdo would do it again. That’s why we are on the good side! We do believe that there is good in people. In anyone. Not only in our so-called allies, but also in scoundrels, and even in our foes.”

Finn looks up at Rey in awe. “You really _are_ a Jedi. I grew up in the First Order, but I’ve never felt so brainwashed before. We shouldn’t feel guilty because we are the good guys. I like that!”

Rey considers if Finn is actually mocking her. However, there was no sarcasm in his voice. Seems like she at least got through to one person today. Poe did not forgot that he actually wanted to apologize for the bombing plan, though.

“If Holdo had talked to us, we wouldn’t have mutinied. And if I had talked to you, you wouldn’t have been in danger.” There is a tear in Poe’s eye. Only now does Rey realize that he must have thought that she died on the Leadership. Poor fool. It reminds her of how she thought that Ben was dead when she found him unconscious in the cell. Rey gives in to an impulse and hugs Poe. It makes her feelings go all over the place. She wants to be in Ben’s arms, but Poe’s embrace feels good. There is no danger in it, no ambiguity. Poe is on her side. Rey feels Poe’s hand come to her head. She thinks that it is becoming too intimate, if for her own or for his sake she cannot tell. Rey pulls aways.

“Poe, I know that you are sorry, and probably you are rightly so. I’m sorry that you all must have thought that I was dead.”

“It’s not only that, Rey.” Poe sounds ashamed. “It’s … you’re back! You came back to us. When you told me about your … connection ... I was afraid that you were tempted by the dark side, that you might turn over. Holdo didn’t tell me about her plan because she thought I was just a …”

“trigger-happy flyboy” Finn cuts in, rolling his eyes again.

“Anyway, I didn’t tell you because I thought I couldn’t trust you. And now that you’re back I’m … I’m just so sorry, Rey.” Poe looks like he is about to cry and Rey’s moment of emotional turmoil is over. Oh, c’mon! Rose gets up and hurries to the bathroom. Does Poe’s whiny-voiced apology add to her sickness?

Sniffing, Poe continues. “I thought you were dead. How, Rey? How did you escape?”

At this, Rey wants to get away very badly. “Can we go back to the base please? I think this story is something the war council will be eager to hear. Tomorrow.”

Poe does not reply. He is gazing out towards the landing platform, lost in his miserable thoughts.

“Poe,” Finn starts, gently touching his friends’ shoulder “we should really get back. We’ve been here for three days. Rose may need an infusion. And Rey should have a med check.”

Rey wants to protest, but she stops herself. The way Finn is always so overprotective of her is annoying and cute at once. Today she appreciates it. He is like a big brother and Rey realizes just how much she has missed him over the past three days. She feels the strong urge to hug him, too, but Rose returns from the bathroom and it just does not seem right. Rose’s face has acquired a greenish shade. She looks worried.

“I just hope the little one is ok,” she says helplessly. Rose sinks down on the bench and Finn immediately draws closer to hold her, embracing her firmly. It reminds Rey of … no, focus on the present, come on.

“I could have a look,” Rey offers. Why should this be any different than feeling for Ben’s pulse? The eight-year old boy from her memory was able to sense life around him, too.

Everyone is staring at Rey. “Through the force. I could feel for the heartbeat. I mean, if you want me to.” Rey hesitates. Maybe she overstepped?

“Sure.” Rose’s immediate acceptance surprises Rey, but it is reassuring. Rey walks over and places her hand on Rose’s belly. At first, she does not feel anything and she feels stupid. After all, she shares a force connection with Ben. Why did she think this would work on any other living being? But then she gives it another try and reaches out ...

Life. Rose is full of organic vibes. Blood rushing through her veins, a heartbeat, food being processed through her digestive system. At first, Rey is just trying to make out her uterus. Something tells her that this is not how the force works. Heartbeat. Concentrate on heartbeat. What else is there beyond Rose’s own double beat?

The beauty of it is overwhelming. Tears well up in Rey’s eyes.

“Rey, what is it?” Finn is alarmed. His interruption breaks the spell and Rey pulls back, a broad smile spreading on her face.

“Twins” she whispers. She had felt them. So small still, so fragile, tiny scions. And yet, she had got a glimpse of their future. Not an image. Just a vision of how it would feel like to grow up with Finn and Rose as parents. So loved, so protected. Knowing that mummy and daddy will always be there. Sharing everything in a unique connection to a twin. Never alone.

“Are you sure?” “Are they OK?” “Two, really?” “Girls or boys? Or both?” Finn and Rose are so eager to learn what Rey has seen, but she could never describe it.

“Yes, they’re gonna be OK.” Rey forces herself to concentrate on the facts. “I think they’re identical, but I don’t know the sex.”

Finn and Rose seem to be satisfied. Rey walks out of the shelter and just breathes. She decides to postpone crying for later. When she is going to tell Ben about it. Who else would understand her envy at those innocent little creatures who have not even been born yet? Who else knows how lonely she really feels right now?


	15. Beyond words

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Surely, a vulnerable murderer would understand Rey’s envy of everyone who knows how it feels to have loving parents?

Ben has landed the TIE and fried himself some of yesterday's meat on the engine. It is not exactly delicious but it will do. He watches the cubs play with some of the broken wiring and allows his thoughts to wander. It is a mistake. He cannot stop thinking of her.

Why did he let her go? Why does it hurt so much to miss her even though she finally let go of her barriers? Why does he even bother? Shouldn't he be planning his next move? Now that he has found her, there seems to be no reason to resume his role as Supreme Leader. He feels like he has no purpose. Except Rey.

Rey?

"Hey, uhm, Ben? Do you have time?"

"Sure. Just finished eating. What's up?” He is pleased to see her, but she looks like something is troubling her. Shouldn’t she be happy now? Back with her friends? Knowing he is not after them anymore?

“I don’t know … I … I think I need someone to talk to?” Is she insecure?

Ben suppresses the urge to just take her into his arms and tell her that whatever it is, it is sure going to be ok. He reminds himself to be a friend. Listen. Try to understand her. Can’t be too hard, can it?

It can. Frustrated, Ben realizes after a couple of minutes that this is beyond his abilities. They are each sitting against a wall with their backs, their shoulders touching, and Rey is talking about some women stuff. All he understands is that there is some weird force vision involved, but everything seems to be about motherhood, pregnancy, babies, childhood, _feelings_. This is beyond him.

“… do you understand?” She looks at him with large eyes. Damn, she is beautiful.

“No, I’m sorry Rey. I don’t.” There is just no point in denying it. Maybe if he knew what she felt like…

“Show me,” he says and gets up. He takes her hand and makes her rise, too. The desperation on her face is fading away again. She is curious. Good. He walks them a few steps away from the wall. Then he sits down with his legs crossed, assuming a meditation position. Rey follows. Ben extends his hands and Rey places her hands in his. “Give me access to this memory,” he demands.

Rey hesitates. He cannot blame her. Maybe she will never really trust him. The damage his interrogation has caused may never go away. Ben sighs.

“I will only take what you give me. I promise.” He can feel her memories open for him. It feels familiar. He has been there before. Yet, it has changed over the past two years. The simplicity, the naivety of her mind is gone. There is a large new wound. It was not there last time. Ben restrains himself. He has to resist the urge to go and explore it. He promised.

“Go back to the place of the memory. Where were you this afternoon?”

The inside of the smugglers’ hideout comes into view. He knows this place. He shoves away memories of his childhood that surface at the sight. This is _her_ memory and it is about _her_ feelings. Who else is there? He recognizes the pilot and the traitor. Ben can feel how Rey cares for them. Envy builds in his chest. It takes him a lot of control to suppress his own feelings and open for Rey’s. There is also someone in the bathroom. This must be Rose, the pregnant woman. Ben can feel Rey’s compassion for her. How can anyone endure to feel for so many other people so much like Rey?

The way Rey searches Rose’s body is pathetic at first, unstructured, _wrong_ , but he can clearly make out the moment when she gets it right. There is more than one heartbeat and Ben can feel Rey’s excitement. Then something changes. _More_ feelings. These are not his and they are not Rey’s.

_Love, protection, security, connection, a certainty of never being alone_

“Stop it!” he screams. Ben is on his feet. He left from the memory in Rey’s mind the second he withdrew his hands from hers, but the feeling lingers. This universal feeling of receiving your parent’s unconditional love had been buried deep inside of him. It was meant to stay there forever! Ben can feel how he is about to break down. He cannot. Not in front of Rey. All he wants now is to be alone. “I’m Sorry Rey. I can’t.” The look on her face when she realizes what he is about to do nearly breaks his heart. Then there is only darkness.

\---

Rey sits on the floor of her room. He left her. Ben just _left_ her. He had asked her to open up her mind to him and then he _left_! Her dark side strongly wants to throw a tantrum. Smash something. Hurt someone. Make them hurt like she is hurt. Ignore the other voice in her head that softly tells her to consider things. The dark side is so easy, so tempting. Never think, never hesitate. Follow your instincts.

Rey gives her dark side a half-hearted try and slams her hand on the floor. It breaks her wrist.

“Damn!” Her desire to break something vanishes immediately and she is left to feel very stupid. Rey walks over to the bathroom and patches up her hand.

The light side then. Different perspectives. Alright. What had made him leave? They were watching the memory together. Well, feeling it together. The vision from the twins had left her so envious. Because she never had parents and never felt that way. How would it have made him feel? He did have parents once. Good parents. Leia and Han, would they have made him feel just like that when he was young? Does he know how children are supposed to feel when their parents love them? Then Rey cannot understand why he would throw it all away. Will she ever figure out Ben?

Ben?

“Hey, uhm, Rey? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to shut you out. I just … it was too much. It reminded me of how I felt when I was very young.” His voice sounds a lot like he has been crying. He is not even facing her. “I need some time for myself if that’s ok for you.” He turns his head to look at her, but quickly looks away again. Rey can see tear tracks on his cheeks. She quickly hides her broken hand.

“Sure. OK.” It is a lie. Rey is sure that Ben can see right through her, but he says nothing.

“Let’s talk again before we go to sleep?”

There is a knock on the door. Rey jumps. Finn does not wait for a response and enters. Rey tries to look innocent.

“What are you doing?” Finn asks suspiciously.

“Nothing.” Rey wonders if she has ever sounded less convincing. Ben is still there, listening with his back turned towards them.

“You seemed distracted earlier. I thought you might want to talk to me.” Finn notices her exchanging looks with the opposite wall of the room. “Are you talking to Kylo Ren?!” There is no point in denying it, so Rey just shrugs. “So he’s your best friend now? Something unsettles you and you turn to _him_?”

No, Finn, _you_ are my best friend! Why can’t she say it? There is something about it that is not true. Rey sighs. “I cannot talk to you about it because it involves your unborn children. I cannot talk to Poe about it because … things between us are complicated.”

“But you _can_ talk to Kylo Ren, Supreme Leader of the First Order.”

“ _Tell him I’m Ben_.”

“He’s Ben. And he’s not with the First Order right now. And can everyone just stop having expectations about how I have to behave as a friend?” Rey walks out of the room, away from two men shouting after her. “Rey, wait!” “ _Rey_ …”

She heads straight to the med bay. Maybe they can still mend her broken wrist today.

\---

Later that day, Ben opens the connection. Rey decides not to bring up the vision again.

“Where are you?”

“A neighboring swamp planet. You?”

“As if I'd tell you.” Rey rolls her eyes.

Ben ignores her. “I'm about to go to sleep. I wanted to say good night. I wish you were here with me.”

Rey tilts her head. “You do mean that, don't you. I guess  ... I guess I miss you, too. Somehow.”

“Would you mind ... Would you mind to sit with me till I'm asleep?” He swallows. Rey wonders again if he is … shy?

“I was about to go to sleep as well. I guess ... We could just ... Do you think we could stay together?”

“If you want. Probably. If we ... touch?”

Rey lies down on her own bed. Then she lifts her hand and softly touches Ben’s shoulder. She can suddenly see the swamp. Ben trembles under her hand. He closes his eyes. Within five minutes, he is fast asleep.

Rey listens to the wildlife around her. It must be another smuggling hideout. There is a roof and a bed, but the sides are open. The lion cubs have curled up at Ben’s feet. Rey pictures Han’s indignation that his son, who seemed unable to make a single human friend, would go co-sleeping with his predator pets. She crawls closer and strokes Ben’s head. He hums and puts an arm around her waist. Rey closes her eyes.

When she wakes up the next morning, they are curled up around each other closely. It is hard to tell which limps are whose. Rey thinks that she wants to wake up like that every day for the rest of her life. She sighs. Rey knows she should not want for things she is unlikely to ever get.


	16. The war council

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey has a talent for not telling things. Yet, the war council will not be fooled so easily.

The war council consists of five members. Poe sits a bit off site and the four other members have taken seats opposite from Rey. It is meant to be a heterogeneous group, representing the resistance's claim to speak for the oppressed and marginalized in the galaxy. There is an old admiral from Corellia, a warrior maid from the Outer Rim, and two Aliens whose gender Rey cannot tell. In fact, they may not even have one.

Rey had spent the morning rehearsing her story until she thought that she might get away with it. But the first question already disequilibrates her.

"Why did you go on that mission?" The warrior maid’s voice is gentle.

Yeah, why did she go there in the first place?

The warrioress seems to think that this would be an easy one. She casts Rey an encouraging smile and nods. Something to break the ice. Ha, think again.

"I was hoping for a truce." Ridiculous.

"Why did you think you could broker a truce with Kylo Ren?" _Ben_. Because she is a fool. Rey looks down at her wrist. No one would see that it was broken, but the accelerated healing process hurts.

"He contacted me. I proposed it. He agreed. I believed that there was a chance. He had never lied to me before."

Murmuring. The generals are looking at each other.

"Did you know each other well?" Good question.

"We've met several times. Two years ago."

The warrioress frowns. "I thought he wanted to kill you. Several times." Yeah, that’s what Rey had thought, too.

“No. I think if he had ever wanted me dead, I would not be sitting here right now.” Now that’s something honest at last.

The generals shift uneasily in their seats. Resistance propaganda had carefully created an image of Rey, the super-heroine, who defeated Kylo Ren in battle.

“What did he want with you, then?” The admiral has taken the floor. His tone is less encouraging.

“He wanted my power. He wanted to teach me how to use the force. He wanted me to join the dark side.”

“You refused him and joined the resistance.” The warrior maid’s statement is thoughtful. “What made you change your mind now?”

“I haven’t changed my mind!” It sounds more convinced than Rey really feels. Has she? After all, she has invited a dark cloud into her mind lately.

“You said he contacted you. Why didn’t you just ignore him?”

“I tried!” Oh, she had tried! So hard. Mutilating herself. All in vain. “It’s not that simple. We are each other’s counterparts in the force. I’m the light to balance his darkness. The force will not be disobeyed.”

Silence. Matters of the force are beyond them.

“Why did he contact you?”

Rey considers this for a moment. Ultimately, she knows she will be better off with the truth.

“I think he missed me.” This will need an explanation. “Because of the force. It makes us seek each other out.”

The council members look at Poe. He just shrugs. They decide to drop the issue. For now.

“So, Rey, why don’t you tell us what happened during the mission.” The warrior maid has lost some of her encouraging tone.

“It didn’t go as planned. I was greeted by a group of stromtroopers and they escorted me to the Leadership.”

“You didn’t fight?” No, because she didn’t know that she would be in danger of getting bombed to pieces there! Rey exchanges looks with Poe. Do they know that she did not know …? Poe looks down. Brilliant! More facts she will need to avoid.

“The Leadership was directly above.” She did not know this then but it is not a lie. “Fighting would have been difficult.” Rey feels unsettled. The way she is recombining facts is borderline lying. She should take the story into her own hands.

“I was escorted to B-, to Kylo Ren. We talked. Then the bombing started. It was as if hell broke loose.” She could go into more detail here, rely upon their sympathy. “The first series of bombs defected the shields. Then one rained down on the middle. One hit the rear and two destroyed the hangar.”

“Thank you, Rey. We have analyzed the destruction of the Leadership in detail already. How were you able to escape? There were no survivors as far as we can tell. Except you two.”

“We left the Leadership on a TIE fighter. It was the only functioning spacecraft left. I guess we just got lucky. Ben, I mean Kylo, he’s powerful. The blast had sent us down to the planet at quite high speed. We had to use the parachute.”

“These things have a chute?” The question comes from one of the aliens. He is speaking for the first time. Rey decides to ignore him.

“We crashed into the swamp and I lost my conscience. Ben, Kylo, he … Is it OK if I just say Ben? Anyway, he saved my life. He pulled me out.”

The admiral cuts in. “How do you know? You were unconscious. He could have told you anything.”

Rey knows that Ben would not lie to her about that, but she needs a better explanation.

“We pulled the TIE from the swamp together two days later.” After they had swapped some light for darkness.

Poe looks at his watch and clears his throat. He had promised Rey that it would not take long.

“One last question.” The warrior maid has become increasingly dissatisfied. “You were his prisoner. Why did he let you go?” Because he is her friend.

Rey shrugs. “We escaped the apocalypse. We spent two days together on an uninhabited planet. I was not his prisoner on Undor. We were not enemies. He knew I’d let him go, too.”

“You let the Supreme Leader of the First Order get away!” The second alien is on his feet. “You are a traitor!” The warrioress puts a hand on his arm to calm him.

“He didn’t go back to the First Order!” Rey can feel her temper rising.

“How do you know that?” The admiral is suspicious. “Our sources have informed us that General Hux has proclaimed Kylo Ren dead and himself new Supreme Leader. Do you know where Kylo Ren is right now?”

Damn it. Now they’ve got her. “Yes, I do. I won’t tell you though.”

The second alien moves around the table before anyone can stop him and grabs Rey’s throat. “You will tell us immediately where we find this abominable monster!”

“ _Kwak_!” Poe leaps forward and puts his arms around the humanoid from behind, but the alien retains a firm grip on Rey’s throat. Rey will not give him the satisfaction of using the force. It would only prove his point that she is dangerous and might turn on her own people.

“Is this a fiat?” She defiantly looks up at the fishy face.

The alien loosens his grip. Poe’s fist smashes into his wobbly face. The alien just shakes and sits back down as if nothing happened.

Rey faces the council members. “If the war council explicitly commands me to disclose Kyo Ren’s whereabouts, I will not disobey a direct order. I was under the impression that this meeting was not an inquisition. I’ve done my best to answer your questions truthfully. I am convinced that the disclosure of Ben Solo’s whereabouts at this very moment would go against the interest of the resistance. If this doesn’t suffice you, I suggest you schedule a formal interrogation.” She gets up and leaves. No one stops her.


	17. Reflection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey allows herself to be swallowed by loneliness again, but Ben knows what to do.

Rey flees and spends the rest of the day in hiding. She cannot go to her room or to her favorite meditation tree. In fact, Finn knows all her favorite places. And her less favorite places, too.

She walks out of the base and passes the hangar. For a split second, she even considers to steal the Falcon and fly off to Ben.

Rey quickly dismisses the thought though and decides to walk into the valley. There is a labyrinth of paths. They lead to ancient sacred places of the indigenous population. If she just keeps walking without a destination, chances are low that anyone will find her. She really ought to mull over where her allegiances are. Rey has always been loyal to the resistance. She still believes in their cause. Withholding strategic information borders on treason and she knows it. Yet, what has happened between her and Ben has changed the equation. She is loyal to him, too. And he is not an immediate threat to them. Not anymore. They will never understand it, though. And one thing is for sure, he is not their ally. Maybe he will never be. They haven't explicitly talked about it, but Rey is sure that his final goal has stayed the same, just like she hasn't changed her mind about hers. They both want peace for the galaxy, but he wants to rule it, with her by his side, and she wants the people to rule it. All that has changed is the means they are willing to use. He is no longer willing to capture her. She no longer denies that they have a special relationship. That is about the extent of it. She will not rule the galaxy with him. He will not retire to some quiet planet with her and play happy family. Their relationship is bound to lead nowhere.

Is that what she even wants? A family? The memory of the vision from the twins comes to her mind. How could she ever be able to raise kids if she does not even know what kids are supposed to feel like? Everyone seems to know. Even Finn seems to know since he will be able to procure that feeling for his own children.

A wave of loneliness crashes down on Rey. She reaches out with the force. She has not walked far yet, but she has already put some considerable distance between her and any other human beings. The path she has chosen has led her to a spring. Rey slumps down onto an old stone bench. She can feel the resistance base and all its bustling life in the distance. People have gathered in the cafeteria. It must be about time for dinner. Rey envies their conviviality, but she has no desire to walk back and mingle. She knows that there is only one person in whose massive arms she could find some comfort.

Rey teases at the connection. “Ben. Are you there?”

“Rey!” He smiles but does not look at her. He is watching something with great pleasure. “Hey, guess what? I’ve just taught the cubs how to hunt a boar. You should see them. They’re gorgeous! They wouldn’t even share their meat with me so I had to hunt me a squirrel. I thought about keeping the tail for you as a gift. Han showed me how to preserve them. But then, I wasn’t sure if it’s appropriate. You know, since you’re a light-sider and it might remind you of death.”

Rey has never heard him talk so much at once or babble like that. The content is … childish. And disturbing. It reminds her of the boy in her memory. So this is Ben Solo enjoying himself. Not quite Prince Charming.

“Rey! Are you crying?” The babbling has stopped. A mature, concerned man is facing her and now Rey feels an odd urge to appear attractive to this man. Apparently, she is crying a lot in his presence. _Don’t cry. It makes you look ugly._ It’s what the other scavengers used to say to her when her stomach hurt from hunger. Rey quickly wipes away her tears. “It’s nothing.”

“Don’t do that, Rey. Don’t lie to me. Don't shut me out." He sounds disappointed.

"I didn't mean to. You seemed so … happy. I didn't want to ruin it. It's just ... without you, I suddenly feel so alone again." There is no point in fighting back the tears and she gives in.

"Rey, you know you're not alone. What makes you think that?"

Rey tries to ignore how his calm "you-tell-me"-mind-game voice always makes her feel a little demeaned. She knows he is good at getting to the bottom of her.

"I guess it's because I never had a family. I never learned what that's like. I will always be the outsider. How could I ever start a family myself?"

He walks over and grabs her by the shoulders. This time, he is projected into her world. He doesn't seem to notice. His intense gaze is only on her when he kneels down to be on her level.

"No Rey, your past doesn't define your future. The fact that your parents weren't there for you doesn't mean that you can't _be_ a parent. You will have a family one day."

She looks down. "How can you be so sure about that?"

"I've seen it, Rey. When we touched hands two years ago, it was part of my vision."

"What?! How was it like?"

"You had a boy and a girl. I didn't see much, it was only a brief moment." There is finality in his voice, which tells Rey that he is unwilling to go into detail. There are so many questions in her head though!

"Were you there?" she asks tentatively. Does she even want to know the answer?

"I don't know. I was there, and I wasn't." He exhales. He doesn’t seem eager to elaborate, but Rey just needs to know more.

"Were they yours? The kids. Who was their father?"

"I don't know. Maybe." He looks like he has honestly never wondered about it before. Rey feels that her questions are taking it too far. She does not dare to ask him if he would like to be. He looks like he does not dare to ask her if she would like him to be, either.

Maybe she can see for herself? "Can you show me?"

"The vision? No, Rey, I don't think that's a good idea. Visions are treacherous. If I show it to you, that might alter the future. You were happy in this vision. I want that for you." He takes her head in his hands and kisses her forehead. Then he takes a look at their surroundings. She can feel how he is reaching out with the force to see how far she is from the base. She should stop him. He is not supposed to gather detailed information about the resistance. Something inside her tells her that it's ok. He won't betray her.

"I'll walk you back to the base. Come on." He takes a step back and Rey gets up from the bench. Anyone else would just receive a snappy "I'll be fine" from her at the suggestion to walk her home. Ben is different. He has fought her with a lightsaber. He is not concerned about her walking alone in the dark. He just knows that she needs his company now and Rey is grateful for that. She takes his hand in hers and they start to walk towards the base in silence. Ben interlaces his fingers with Rey's. Her heart jumps. They're holding hands like a couple. It's ridiculous.


	18. Fun

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some physical tension builds when Rey and Ben sneak around corridors like enamored teenagers. Until someone walks in on them.

"Do you want me to come inside?" It sounds like he is hoping for ... whatever. Maybe she is just projecting.

Rey considers this for a moment. They should disconnect until she is in her room. She looks down at their hands. His hand is so large that her fingers hurt from interlacing with his, but she really is not ready to let go yet.

"What if someone walks in on us?"

"Then they would simply have to forget about seeing me. Rey, we can both sense sentient beings for miles. We’ll be fine" True. Sounds like a challenge she is up to right now. With him by her side, she always feels a bit more daring.

"No hurting anyone. NO mind intrusions. Promise me that if something goes wrong, you'll just ... vanish." She makes a mysterious gesture at the last word. He snorts, but he cannot hide that it makes him smile. They have never just had fun together. They usually either fight or commiserate. The prospect of doing something so stupid and cocky together is thrilling.

Ben looks to the sky. "Ok then, I won't touch anyone. But if you want me to vanish, _you_ make me. I don't feel like shutting out my light today to be honest."

"Settled. Let's go." She grabs his hand and drags him into the building. They get along smoothly at first. At some point, someone is roaming the corridor behind the next corner. Rey instinctively turns to hurry back and lets go of Ben's hand, but Ben grabs her elbow, spins her around and presses her against the wall.

She is furious. It is hard to keep her voice hushed. "Ben, what -"

"Shh." He has got a finger on his lips. His other arm leans against the wall next to her head. She can feel his heart beat with excitement. "Reach out," he whispers. "Feel his intentions." The man has reached the corner. Rey thinks that her heart beats so loud that the man may hear her before he even sees them.

Then she feels it. A change of mind. The man turns around and walks back.

"How did you know?" Her face is so close to Ben's that she has to lean back a bit in order to read his expression. There is a smug smile. It makes him look a lot like Han.

“He has betrayed his wife and now he is going to confess it to her. He’s been thinking about it since we entered the building.” The playfulness leaves his voice as he goes on. “I know that kind of guilty thoughts. Han used to harbor them now and then. He never confessed, though. He was furious when I told mum about it.”

Rey feels for Leia at the thought. A husband who betrays you and a kid who goes around reading people’s secrets from their minds … Wait. Does he …?

“Do you read my mind, too? Like that?” She eyes him suspiciously.

Ben takes a step back and shakes his head. “That’s not how it works.” He looks offended. “I don’t choose what they send out for everyone to see.” He frowns at her. “You’re a strong and secretive mind. You don’t radiate. You would know if I’d try to read your mind.” He becomes angry. “You know that! Why would I go about interrogating people if I could just read their minds without them even knowing? Why would I hurt them?” Because he enjoys hurting them?

“You think I enjoy it, don’t you?”

Well … Rey shrugs. Doesn’t he?

“If that’s what you think, if you still think I’m a monster, then I don’t get what you want with me. Maybe I shouldn’t be here.”

Oh. She hurt him. Yet again. He is not going to leave now, is he?

“Yes, Ben, you’re like a creature from a fairy tale to me. Like some bloody bewitched beast! You _act_ like a monster. You extinguish life like it has no value to you.” She walks closer to him and places her hand on his chest. “But I also know that you have a heart. Sometimes I think if I just kiss you, the spell will be broken and you’ll turn back into a prince.” She looks into his eyes and suppresses the urge to just try if it might actually work. “I’m having a hard time reminding myself that this is not a fairy tale, that you are one and the same person. There is no spell. This is just you. You are a monster with a heart.”

He swallows and nods. Then he sighs. “I hated it, you know. I _was_ a prince, and I hated it. So I decided to be a monster instead.”

One of his hands forms a fist. He presses it against his head. “The truth is, I hate it even more. I’ve always envied Han for his ability to walk the line. He didn’t have the force. He didn’t have to choose. He wasn’t good. He wasn’t bad. He was just a scoundrel.”

Rey puts her other hand to his cheek. “You’ve got more of him than you let on, you know.”

He looks away and takes another breath. “I know.”

Rey takes his hand again and they slowly walk on through the corridors, both deep in thought.

They have nearly reached her room when Rey senses someone approaching quickly. They are out of reach of any escape. Her room and the other end of the corridor are just too far away.

Ben presses Rey against the wall again. She furrows her brows at him. “This one won’t change his mind,” she whispers. He gives her a mischievous look that makes her heart jump. Then he whispers into her ear. “We could just pretend to be a couple making out in a dark corridor.”

Rey is intrigued by the idea even though it makes her heart beat out of her chest with shame. She checks again on the man approaching the corner. Would he buy it? Ben’s lips are slowly wandering from her ear towards her mouth. Something about the man who is about to round the corner is familiar …


	19. Fun is over

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Guess who's rounding the corner? Our favorite ex-stormtrooper turned rebel scum!

“Finn!” she exclaims. Bloody idiot! What is he doing on her corridor in the middle of the night? It takes her a lot of composure to end the connection when Ben’s lips have just found hers. The fun part of the night is definitely over.

It hurts when Ben disappears. Finn rounds the corner in time to see her flinch. She can hear Ben’s annoyed _Oh come on!_ in her head.

“Rey! Where were you all day?” Finn approaches quickly and Rey tries to get a grip on herself. She is totally out of breath, her heart is racing and her head is aching.

“Been thinking.” It is kind of true. Damn it, she’s trembling.

“Rey, are you OK? Is there anything I can do for you?”

Rey holds on to the wall. “Honestly, if you don’t mind, I just wanna go to bed.” She forces herself to look at Finn. “Just don’t tell Poe that I’m back yet. I can’t face him right now.”

“They’ve scheduled your hearing to take place first thing in the morning.” Of course they have. She would have scheduled a hearing for herself if she was them.

“That’s ok,” she answers wearily and starts to progress towards her room, but when she sees Finn’s disappointed and worried face, she turns around to hug him.

“I know you’re on my side, Finn. Believe me, I know.” He wraps his arms around her in surprise, but then he grabs her shoulders and forces her to face him.

“I don’t get you lately.” He shakes his head.

“That’s because I’ve started to share my thoughts with you guys. Maybe I should have kept them to myself.” Her voice is bitter. She means it. Probably it would be for the best.

“No, Rey, it’s because you’ve started to talk to Kylo Ren! You defend him, you trust him, you bloody kissed him!” Well, at least he doesn’t know how close she has just been to doing it again.

“I’ve always had feelings for him, ok? What would you have me do? Shutting him out drove me mad!”

“No, Rey, letting him in is driving you mad! He has gotten into your head!” Finn thumbs his finger into his temple.

“My head is a mess, Finn! Thanks to two years of running from it! I may be a bad liar, but I’ve always been good at denying the truth to myself. Ben Solo wasn’t after _us_. He was after _me_ all along.”

They glare at each other in silence. Eventually, Finn exhales audibly and hugs her again. “He’s dangerous, Rey. I know you are a big girl and you can look after yourself. Just … promise me you take care, ok?”

“I promise.”

“Alright. Now get some rest. And …” He exhales again. ”Just tell him to leave wherever he’s holed up. Don’t give them an excuse to trial you for treason.”

Rey raises a brow.

“Look, I don’t trust him, but for all I know he’s still not back with the First Order. I can only guess that it’s because of you. I don’t think it would be wise if you betray him right now, even though I’m every inch convinced that he’d deserve it.” Finn gives Rey an encouraging smile.

Rey hugs him again. “I love you.” Then she walks off to her room.

Finn looks after her and shakes his head. “You’re projecting.”

Rey rolls her eyes and smiles. She makes an obscene gesture. “Fuck you, too, pal.”

\---

Rey immediately opens the connection again. She is furious.

“You knew it was Finn!”

“Maybe.” Ben shrugs.

“You’re an ass. What were you thinking?! I’ll be trialed for treason!”

“Oh, don’t be so melodramatic. FN-2187 knows about our connection.”

“FN-2187? _Really_?”

“I don’t know, Rey. I’m just pissed! I was … I was kissing you! And you shut me out and made me look like an idiot because of _him_.”

“You _were_ an idiot, provoking the situation in the first place!”

“If I admit it, can we just resume where we got interrupted?” _What? No!_

“I will have to tell them where you are first thing in the morning. Why are you still on that planet? Shouldn’t you be scheming?” She just keeps snapping at him. She is not in the mood to resume anything.

“What would I be scheming, Rey?” Ben is becoming impatient, too.

“I don’t know! Don’t you want to conquer the universe or something of that kind?”

“No, Rey, I don’t want anything of that kind at the moment. Not without you!”

It is a plain statement. Simple and effective. It washes away all her anger. Rey sits down on her bed. Suddenly she feels so tired. She rests her head in her hands.

Ben sits down beside her. “I’m leaving in the morning. I still owe you a truce.”

Rey eyes him sideways.

“Technically, I’m still the Supreme Leader. Hux’ takeover was built on a lie. If I manage to stage a coup, I could make peace with the resistance once and for all.”

“Why would you do that?” What has gotten into him?

“Rey, do you honestly not know?” He looks into her eyes. There is a deep sadness that she has never seen before. Is he doing this for her? A few hours ago, he wanted to give her a bloody squirrel tail and now he is talking about the whole galaxy! There must be a trick. Fate has fucked her up ever since she can remember. Rey looks away.

“Where’s the catch?” She trembles. Does she even want to know? Will he just use this as a starting point to conquer the universe anyway?

“I guess the odds are against me.” This is not exactly what she expected. It’s a cambrel.

“Why?” It is only the fourth night since the Leadership exploded. Shouldn’t they be glad to see him alive?

“Because they’re loyal to Hux. I’ve never bothered with the Order. Hux and me, we had a silent agreement. I let him rule. I let him distribute his crazy fanatic propaganda. I let him scheme how to conquer remote corners of the galaxy. I was only the face, the invincible monster that would come for you if you dare to protest. In return, I had sheer immeasurable resources at my disposal to chase the resistance.”

Rey needs a while to process this “You’ve only ever chased us?” She cannot believe that he would occupy himself with nothing else.

“No, Rey, I’ve been chasing _you_. Have you never wondered why you guys were always able to escape in the last minute?”

“We’ve got good intel?”

He snorts. “Rey, you may have destroyed Starkiller, but the technology is still out there! You wouldn’t even have seen us coming. Once we found your base, we could have just blown up the entire planet and you’d have never known you were in danger.” So … ?

“I made sure you stay alive, Rey! I insisted on sending ground troops. I’d go there myself and make sure you were away from the battlefield. I thought I could capture you, but after a while I realized that you can sense my presence the way I can sense yours. I gave up!”

Rey stares at him. She cannot believe it and yet, it all makes sense. Sometimes they have been just too lucky.

“I found your base months ago. In fact, you guys better relocate it. If I could find it, I’m sure Hux will find it eventually. Hux has become impatient lately. He wanted to hunt down the resistance by himself, so I decided to fire on your decoy, your last big ship. Leia’s death protected you all, Rey! When I presented him her body, Hux would shut up for a while. It’s when I started to go for your dreams, hoping beyond reason that I might be more successful with reaching you there.”

“You’ve reached me eventually.” Rey only whispers. She can sense his regret.

“It was too late. She is dead. Because of me. I never got to apologize to her for Han. Or Luke.” Ben drops his head and exhales. “I wish that things had been different. Stubborn old lady. She knew I would have to fire.” Ben shakes his head. He is trying to hide it behind a mocking tone, but Rey can see that he is close to tears.

For once he has told her something intimate and there seems to be no agenda behind it. Rey cradles his head against her chest. “I’m sure she’d be proud of you right now.” Rey strokes his hair. It is so soft.

"I'm so tired," he murmurs. Rey gets a feeling that he is not referring to his physical condition. She leans back into the bed. He has been projected into her world again, but Rey is too tired to worry that someone might walk in on them while they sleep.

"I'm leaving with some smugglers in the morning."

Rey opens her eyes again. "Smugglers?"

"I’ve convinced them to bring me on board a First Order vessel."

" _Convinced_?" Rey lifts a brow.

"Yeah, smugglers don't easily fall for Jedi mind tricks, but they can't resist a good bargain."

"What did you offer them?" Rey snorts and raises her head to look at him.

"They didn't want the bruised TIE fighter, so I promised them that when I leave, I'll relinquish two healthy Undi-lion cubs to them."

"You didn't!" Is he mad? "Ben! You're treating them as if they were your own children!"

"Ah, don't worry, Rey. I've sold my soul so many times, it's all sold out. One more rotten deal won't hurt."

Rey just keeps stroking his head, looking at the ceiling. He looks up at her. “These animals aren't meant for life on a First Order ship anyway." A mischievous smile lurks in the corner of his mouth. "And besides, maybe I'll be able to double-cross the smugglers. I've only learned from the best.”

The idea that he might pull a Han is oddly comforting to Rey. They finally fall asleep.


	20. Hearing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey gets away with unsoundedness of mind.

Rey would rather be anywhere but here. She keeps thinking about the spring from yesterday evening. She had felt so lonely there and now she would give anything to just sit there and enjoy the quiet. Always wanting what she can't have, stupid girl!

The hearing has a bigger audience than Rey expected. It is not just the war council. There are also the ten remaining generals, Rose and Finn. They are supposed to be her proponents. Poe sits a bit off site again. The warrioress starts to speak. Her voice is oddly empty of emotion.

"Rey of Jakku ..." Of course they have to remind her that she does not have a family name.

"You've been summoned here to-"

"Oh, please, let's get this over with." Rey just cuts over her impatiently. "Ben Solo has not left the swamp system. He's been staying on a neighboring planet of Undor."

Murmuring in the room. The admiral raises his hand and the group falls silent. "How do you know?" he asks suspiciously.

"Fancy Jedi voodoo" she sneers. Poe gives her an angry look. Rey reminds herself to be cooperative. They might as well expel her from the base. She would not really mind at this point, but Finn and Poe would for sure get themselves in trouble over it.

"Come on," Finn whispers from the chair next to her.

Rey tries to control herself. "He's probably not there anymore. He intends to go back to the First Order and stage a coup on Hux in order to make peace with the resistance."

Everyone stares at her, including Finn.

"And why the seventh hell would he do that?" The admiral sneers. He has found his voice at last.

"Because he still owes me a truce."

Rey can see their indignation when it sinks in that she did not mean it ironically. The admiral rises. "Thank you, Miss Rey."

_Miss_ Rey? They've got to be kidding her! Now she needs to find herself a _husband_ to be a full member of society. Rey ... Solo. Sounds like a joke. As if she's meant to be alone. She has always thought that she might be Rey Dameron one day. That sounds like a proper combination. Rey Solo, no, Han would be her father-in-law! Yeah, she always knew that he could be her grandfather, but anyway, she had found him kind of ... sexy, in the sugar daddy way. She supposes it does not matter anymore now, considering that he is dead. Killed by the man who she is picturing to give her his name. She is a hopeless case.

"Re-ey!" Finn waves his hand before her eyes. "It's over. You've been released. They've apparently settled on unsoundedness of mind." Good choice.

"Can I go? I really gotta get out of here!"

"No, Rey, you talk to Poe first!" Argh!

"What am I supposed to say to him? I'm sorry, please don't hate me?"

"I can hear you, Rey." The voice behind her sounds pissed. That's ok. She's pissed, too.

"I know," she snaps through gritted teeth. Why is she so pissed, though? "Because I've got the bloody force!" Ha, she's answered her own question! "Has it ever occurred to you two insufferable irritants that I know _exactly_ where you are at any time?" She really gotta ease up.

"Sorry, but we've been busy wondering about your obsession with _Kylo Ren's_ whereabouts!" Poe bites back. "Yeah, Rey," Finn tunes in. "Why do I learn about this new idiocy of a plan in the fucking hearing?"

"He only told me last night," she says defiantly.

"You've been speaking _tonight_?" Poe is beside himself. Rey bites her tongue. "Yes. And now I'm worried."

" _For him_?!" Poe cries out.

Rey just gets up and leaves, looking over her shoulder at Finn. Talking to Poe was a bad idea. At last, she knows why she is so tense, hiding behind irony and sarcasm. She is worried about Ben. Rey turns around and stands in the door. "Yes, I'm worried. Ben went on a suicide mission because he thinks he owes me."

"Why do you think he's in danger, Rey?" Finn asks perplexed. "He's their boss after all."

“You of all people, _FN_ , should know the First Order well enough to know that an instable manchild like Ben hardly qualifies as their ruler.” Did she just call him FN? Rey puts her hand to her mouth. Her head turns red with shame and she flees before she can throw any more insults at the people she loves.

Rey is nearly out of the main gate when Finn comes running after her. He grabs her elbow and spins her, forcing her to face him.

“There’s one thing I don’t get. Why would he think that he owes you anything?” Rey tries to wriggle herself free, but Finn tightens his grip, cutting his fingers deep into her flesh. She has never seen him willing to hurt her like that.

“You will answer me, Rey _of Jakku_!” he barks. Rey gets the hint and stops fighting his grip. He releases his fingers a bit. “I’ve been mulling it over and over in my head and it just doesn’t make any sense, Rey. If what you say is true, if he’s never been after destroying the resistance, if he is behind the relative quiet we’ve experienced since Leia’s death – I mean, we were even allowed to collect her remains! No matter how humiliating the Order’s propaganda was, we got to give her a proper funeral.”

He pauses to collect his thoughts. Rey flinches at the reminder of how they had to exchange Leia’s body for the bodies of ten dead resistance fighters, which the First Order just spaced like waste. It had been an attempt to undermine the resistance’s claim of egality, showing that they were willing to trade the bodies of ordinary people for a dead royalty. In fact, it reminds Rey of Ben’s obscure mind games. Probably he was behind it.

They start to walk outside. It would only complicate things further if they got overheard. Finn is trying to get a common thread to his thoughts. “If what you say is true, he would owe you nothing. He set a trap on Undor, and we set a trap on Undor. His trap was to capture you, and ultimately he just let you return to us. _We_ blew up his entire ship in an attempt to terminate him. What does he owe you? He saved you from the bloody apocalypse!”

“He didn’t.” Rey is speaking to the floor. Hiding this piece of information from the war council had been necessary. Hiding it from Finn was stupid. He is really trying to understand her despite her unbearable behavior today. Her secretiveness is giving him a hard time.

“You said you escaped together.” Finn frowns.

“I didn’t say he was conscious while we did.” Rey blushes.

“You gotta be kidding me.” He looks at her with an odd mixture of dislike and awe. “You’ve got lying by omission down to an art. We were releasing bombs on him while you saved his pretty ass?”

Rey slumps down on the grass and they continue their conversation on the patch outside the hangar. “I never had the chance to approve of your plan to just … blow him up!”

“That’s not an answer, Rey. You were still calling him Kylo Ren at the time.”

“I know,” she mumbles “and I have no defense. He had just lied to me, betrayed me, kidnapped me and tried to lock me up in a cell. Let’s not forget about all the horrible things he has done to people in his miserable life. You, Poe, I guess he has hurt or killed about every nice person I’ve ever met.” Rey sighs and lies down on her back. “Yet, there I was, risking my life in order to – how did you put it? Save his pretty ass?” She remembers Ben’s butt from removing his damp clothes after her fist had knocked him out. Rey snorts. She is smiling. It is ridiculous. She is ridiculous.

Finn lies down on his back next to her. They stare at the clouds together. It feels good to have a friend she can count on, no matter what.

\---

Rey has spent the day with Finn. It was nice and kept the growing worry about Ben at bay. Now she is back in her room and the prospect of sleeping alone is daunting. She has not heard from Ben. She did not dare to try the connection, lest it would get him in trouble in a dangerous situation.

She lies down on her bed. Her head hurts. When she closes her eyes, she thinks she can hear someone say her name. It is barely audible, as if it was far away. Ben? Rey decides to risk it and check on him.

"Rey, please. Please tell me you hear me! Rey!" He is shouting. It sounds desperate. Rey opens her eyes and gets up. She looks around. He is nowhere to be seen. Ben?

"Ben!" she calls to her empty room. It feels stupid. There is no reply. Did she imagine it? She closes her eyes and concentrates. "Ben, can you hear me? Where are you?" There is no answer and Rey opens her eyes again. Is there someone sitting on her bed? It is just a shadow but it looks like ...

"Ben?" She hesitantly pokes the shadow and it becomes solid.

"Rey! Thank you, stars!" He wipes his face. Rey looks around. She has been pulled into his world.

"Ben, what happened? Is this a cell?!" There is a bed, a sink, a toilet, and there are bars. She has seen these kind of bars before...

"Yes, it is,” he groans. “I'm an idiot. I let them capture me because I thought it would be the easiest way to get straight to Hux. Apparently, he's found my force-vacuum cells."

"Plural? Cells?" _His_ cells!

He looks down. "I started developing them before Snoke's death. After you had escaped the interrogation room, I wanted to make sure that I would not lose you again once I found you. Every dreadnought has one." Of course. Serves him right that he ends up locked away in his own cells all the time.

"I don't understand. Is this why I couldn't hear you? Force vacuum?"

"I suppose so."

"Then why does it work now? Why are we connected? Why can I still see your cell even though we aren't touching anymore?" Why can she sense him through the force at all?

"I don't know. Maybe the connection only anchors at your side now. I guess you had to bridge it from there. As for staying around, I was in your world last night all the time, even when I let go of your hand." He gets up and looks her up and down. "I wasn't able to use the force in your world, though." He stretches out his arm towards her and pulls at thin air. Rey's body follows. She instinctively raises her hand as a shield and pushes back. They stay like this, neither of them willing to lose this little game of wills.

"You're strong," he admits.

"I've trained. I thought I had be able to defend myself against you." Her voice sounds bitter. He drops his hand immediately. They stare at each other.

Nothing else around them can even be felt through the force. Rey walks around the room. She puts her hands through the bars, but the vacuum extends beyond them. "Yeah, I've tried that." Ben watches her, a little impatient. Rey ignores him.

"I'm tired." He walks back to the bed and lies down, facing away from her. Again, it sounds like he is talking about his whole life. Rey walks around the bed and climbs in from the other side to face him. She raises her hand and feels for his body through the force. It _is_ tired.

"It’s strange to feel you like this through the connection. Like I'm really here."

The connection had always transmitted an image, even if it was a solid body. Now it indeed feels as if she was really there, even though everything around her but him is just ... dead. Two nights ago in the swamp, she had been able to feel the jungle through the force. She had never dreamed that she might be able to channel the force on the other side, though.

Ben raises his hand to mirror Rey's. Their palms are facing, but they do not touch. Energy cackles between them. Rey's heart starts to beat faster. She looks into his beautiful, brown eyes. The fatigue is gone. He looks back at her with warmth and passion. Everything else fades away. There is just him and her. The rest of the universe can wait.


	21. My First (Part IV: Zenith)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A weird conversation about prior experience defers the inevitable.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder that this story is going to be dark sometimes. I mean, since you chose to read a silly Reylo fanfic, it’s probably what you expect. But 3 of 6 parts are over and we haven’t run into any of the scenes that made me worry about archive warnings yet. Believe me, it’s gonna hurt when we do. Let's start low level for now.

Rey interlaces her fingers with Ben’s. “It’s the first time that we are on the same side.”

“Hm?” Ben furrows his brows.

“We’ve got a common enemy now. You’re Hux’s prisoner. I know you hate it, but to me, it makes a difference. This. _Us_. For the first time, I’m not ashamed of what I feel for you.” She holds his eyes. “For the first time, it feels right.”

Ben looks at her as if he is seeing her for the first time. He grips her hand firmly and pushes it, rolling her onto her back. His gaze drops down to her lips, then back to her eyes. He hesitates.

Rey lifts her head and gives him a quick, fierce kiss. It is over too soon for him to react, but her mouth is open and her tongue shortly teases his lower lip. Her head falls back unto the cushion. She looks into his eyes and invitingly lifts a brow.

He slowly lowers his head, stopping for a moment when their noses touch. Then he starts to kiss her, slowly, but with heat and intent. When his tongue finds hers, Rey lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. It is audible. They have kissed before, she has kissed him, he has kissed her, but _this_ is …

… over too soon!

Ben has withdrawn. He rests his forehead against hers, breathing hard.

“What?” Rey breathes. His hesitation is getting her frustrated. She wants _more_.

“If we go any further, I don’t think I’ll be able to stop.” He looks into her eyes. She holds his gaze.

“Then don’t.” What’s holding him back?

He comes close to her ear and whispers: “Are you sure you want me to fuck you, Rey?”

The brush of his breath against her ear makes her skin prickle. Hearing him voice his intentions in this straightforward manner sends a shiver down her spine. Rey is suddenly painfully aware that they are both fully clothed.

“How much more invitation do you need?” Her answer is a little impatient.

Unfortunately, it does not have the effect that Rey hoped it would have. It does not seem to be the kind of answer he expects. He withdraws again and looks at her with doubt. “Have you done this before?”

The question confuses her. “What? … oh.” _Really_? He thinks she is still a virgin! Oh, _come on_.

Rey eyes him skeptically. She raises her head to the level of his, supporting herself on her elbows. “What do you take me for? A hayseed from the Outer Rim? Some desert flower just waiting to be picked?”

“So, you’ve been … with others.“ There is a lot of jealousy in his eyes. And disappointment. This was not about practical knowledge. It was about possession. He had though he would be her _first_. Of course. As if …

“Haven’t you?”

A dark shadow emerges behind his eyes. “Not like this. It … was different.”

Rey lifts her eyebrows. “Different?”

The darkness seems to swallow his eyes. All of a sudden, his expression is deadly serious. “I won’t talk about it. Ever.”

Rey bites her tongue. There is no point in prying. She probably would not get anything out of him and perhaps the night would end in frustration. It had not even occurred to her that _she_ could be _his_ first. _Different_ is more than she could have asked for. Maybe she can make him understand that it is not the same for her either.

“I guess it’s different for me, too.” She pauses, seeking for words. “Sometimes there were traders in Niima outpost.”

“ _Traders_ … did they hurt you?!” Suddenly the clouds behind his eyes are gone and his voice is full of worry and anger. She should be mad at him for recurrently implying that she was a victim, but somehow, his concern for her is cute.

“No! No, it’s not what you think. I … When my body started to change, I developed … needs.” Rey blushes. Ben eyes her with tense curiosity. It looks like he wants to hear more even though he is not sure whether he is going to like it.

“There was a bar in one of the wrecks, a bit off site. Sometimes I would sit there and watch the men talk and get drunk. When I liked one, I would wait for him to go to the bar. Then I walked over and started talking to him. After a while, I’d tell him to go to the storage room, undress and wait for me.”

Ben narrows his eyes. “And they just obeyed?” He seems to be amused.

“Yeah?” Rey has never thought about it. Probably the force had helped with things.

“And then?” Ben’s jealousy seems forgotten. He looks curious. Does this turn him on?!

“I followed them a few minutes later. Usually I found them undressed. I told them to lie on their back. Then I would take down my leggings and pants and …”

Ben swallows. It _does_ turn him on.

“I’d sit on them, filling myself. I’d ride them and touch myself until my body was satisfied.”

Ben snorts. Then he looks pensive for a moment.

“Have you never been with anyone else, anyone from the resistance?”

Rey looks away. “No.”

“Why?”

It is probably not a good idea to mention that she _could_ have been with Poe anytime. “It just didn’t feel right. I guess I always knew that I was attracted to you. And before I met you … there were only the traders …”

“They don’t count,” he states matter-of-factly. Rey gives him a questioning look.

“You fucked _them._ ” The distinction seems to really matter to him.

Rey shrugs. “They seemed to like it. They usually came.”

There is a pause. Then Ben’s voice is changed again. “That doesn’t mean anything.” The darkness is back behind his eyes. Rey is not sure what he refers to and he does not explain. She has become weary about the topic. Somehow, all this is thin ice with him and as long as he refuses to give her an idea of what to avoid, she is bound to hit a sandtrap sooner or later.

“Can’t we just conclude this awkward discussion? We’ve established that I’ve never been fucked before, while you have fucked someone before but it was ‘different’. Can we get back to business now?” She had meant it to sound comical, but he is far from smiling.

Ben just looks at her gravely for what seems to be an eternity. When Rey is convinced that he is about to withdraw completely, he makes up his mind and kisses her. It is more demanding than before, more possessive. He breaks away and looks at her with a sly smile.

“Who says I’ve fucked anyone before?” Rey narrows her eyes. She is about to say something, but he silences her with another passionate kiss. Rey gives in. She will not figure out this man’s past today. There are other more pressing issues on her mind. Like all these clothes between them. She tugs at his shirt and he rises slightly so she can pull it over his shoulders. Oh, this body! She wants to lose herself in it, but she is still so dressed herself.

Rey rolls them over with a little help from the force. It surprises him so he does not resist. Rey sits up and starts to pull on her shirt, but he firmly grips her wrists.

“Uh uhh. I’m not one of your traders.” He takes both her wrists firmly in one of his large hands and sits up. Rey struggles but he gives her a reprehensive look. The broken wrist hurts under his firm grip. When she stills, he lifts her arms up over her head and slowly pulls up her shirt with the other hand. He licks his lips at the sight of her body. Ben only lets go of her wrists when he throws her shirt to the side. Then he slides his fingers down along the inner sides of her arms. Rey has never experienced anything so sensual … yet.

His hands travel down below her armpits and she lowers her arms around his neck to pull him close. Everything feels new. The touch of his skin against hers is incredible. She never bothered to fully undress during her experiences with the traders. For a while, they sit still and enjoy the feeling of skin on skin, slowly sliding their fingers up and down each other’s back.

Rey tenses when his hands start to fumble with her bra. No one has ever seen her breasts before. Man or woman. No one. Feeling her discomfort, Ben takes his hands away and whispers in her ear. “You can leave it on if you like.” The words tease her self-esteem. _No_! She is all in.

Rey slightly pulls away and opens the clips herself. Her eyes meet his. “I’m all yours.” She holds his gaze and does not blink.

Large fingers move under her straps. Ben gently pushes them aside, one after the other. His movements are patient. Only the twitching of his cock against her center betrays his arousal. When the piece of fabric falls down, he stares at her naked breasts. Rey shifts uneasily. She has never felt so _bare_.

Ben looks back into her eyes. “You’re beautiful.” There is honesty in his sentence. Rey hears it in his voice and sees it reflected in his eyes. It makes her relax a little. She has heard Poe say the words before, but this is different. It feels different to hear Ben say them, after staring at her hardened nipples.

“So are you.” She slides her fingers over his right breast, where the saber has cut him after it cut through his face. He takes it as an invitation to slide his fingers over her front, tenderly exploring her breasts. The softness of his touch is almost too hard to bear.

Rey places a hand over Ben’s and makes him cup her breast with his whole, ridiculously large palm. Then she increases the pressure. It takes him a moment to understand before he _squeezes_. Rey’s head falls back. The softness is gone and Ben starts to knead her breasts. Then he starts to simultaneously suck her exposed throat. An obscene groan escapes her. One of Ben’s hands comes up to cover her mouth.

Rey becomes aware that they are in a prison cell. Besides, her original body is light years away, back in her bed with the resistance. Isn’t this a little dangerous? Imagine they might be heard. Or even seen.

Ben starts to feed her two fingers. A wave of darkness wells up inside her. She embraces the danger. It is exciting. Rey suddenly feels selfish, passionate and _very_ hungry. She closes her mouth around his fingers and starts to suck. He lets go of her throat to watch as she starts to slowly move her head back and forth, deliciously licking his index and middle finger. Now it is his turn to groan. The sound is deep and gratifying. Rey places her palm over his mouth.

Her other hand wanders down his chest while she keeps playing her tongue around his fingers. Rey starts to undo the buttons of Ben’s high waist trousers and gives him a _look_ , raising a brow. It is meant to give him ideas about where else her hungry mouth might be roaming.

The effect is immediate. A stifled moan escapes him and he bites the edge of her palm. His teeth cut deep into her flesh. Instinctively, Rey withdraws her hand a little. Ben seeks her eyes but he does not find infraction there. The darkness in her welcomes the pain. It is her reward.

“Ouch” She mumbles around his fingers in fake indignation. Ben lets go of Rey’s breast and catches her wrist to press the bleeding palm back against his mouth and lick away the blood. He sucks at the wound a little before he moves his lips and tongue to the middle of her palm. He holds her gaze while he retrieves his fingers from her mouth to slide his hand down her throat, leaving a trail of her saliva. He keeps sucking at her palm while his free hand continues down between her breasts. Then he turns his arm. His wet fingers slide into her leggings and underwear and he gives her a smug look to signal what his mouth might do down there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Cliffhanger! Sorry, I'm such a tease. Did he just bite her!? Wow, Rey, this guy is dangerous. I hope you know what you are doing. Or maybe I hope you don't?


	22. A second chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It turns out that a notorious mass murderer is not necessarily a born lover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last warning that this is not a vanilla story! Check out "Silent surrender" if you're looking for one.

With a push of the force, Ben has her on her back. The blood from her hand starts to stain the bedsheets. Rey gets a feeling that the sight of it turns him on, even though she does not really understand why. Maybe her mind is playing tricks on her. It is hard to think straight when Ben places hot kisses on her lower belly. His hands are tugging down her leggings, taking her pants along. When he is done with wriggling them around her ankles, he pushes her legs apart and starts to suck on her inner thighs. Rey breathes hard and concentrates on controlling her voice. He moves upwards. His kisses are rough. He sucks bruises and occasionally bites her. There is no blood involved but still... Rey’s unharmed hand finds his head and pulls it up a little. He understands. This is sensitive territory. His kisses become softer as he moves upwards. Rey cannot help but bend her back, pressing her shoulders into the mattress. The way he has got her winding and coiling is pathetic. She does not mind. In the back of her mind, she can hear him undo the last of his buttons. His mouth is near her entrance, his tongue occasionally venturing to the edge ...

Suddenly he is all over her, his massive torso weighting her down. His cock is at her entrance and before she knows it, he pushes inside, all the way in. There was no warning. It hurts.

He lifts his head to look at her. She quickly swallows the pain and holds his gaze.

“Do you like being fucked?” The question would be humiliating enough after _this_ entry, but to make it worse, he slowly pulls out and then he thrusts into her again, _hard_.

Rey closes her eyes, determined to hide the pain, to hide the tears building behind her eyes. This is not how it is supposed to be, but she will not break down and show him how much he is hurting her.

Rey opens her eyes again. They are dry. “No,” she says calmly. “I like being with you. I’d like to feel you inside of me. Give me a chance to enjoy it.”

She strokes a sweaty streak out of his face. The look on his face is confused. Does he even understand what is going on? Has he _really_ never … ? How does she make him understand?

“Look, this is supposed to be special. _You_ are special to me. Don’t ruin it, _please_.” Her voice breaks and a single tear escapes the edge of her eye.

She can see it sink in, the shame that shows on his face when he realizes that he must have done something wrong, the confusion. He is still inside of her and her pain starts to ebb away since he has stopped moving. She can feel her walls take the shape of him. At least she was wet.

“It’s ok,” she says, cupping his cheek. Rey swallows. It is a lie. He usually knows when she is lying. Rey is relieved to see that he seems to be determined to believe it, at least for now.

“Just … just move slow, ok? Show me that I’m special to you, too.”

For the rest of it, Rey is left to wonder who of them had it wrong. Was she just naïve to expect that it would bring them both pleasure? And how did he get so … _damaged_?

It does not hurt anymore. He just comes and it is over. She strokes his back and head.

When he pulls out, Rey gets a glimpse of his face before he rolls on his back. He looks miserable. His voice is fearful.

“Did I hurt you?” He speaks to the ceiling.

Silence. Rey really does not know what to say.

“Why didn’t you tell me to stop?”

“I had told you that you wouldn’t have to.” Her voice is hoarse.

He turns away from her to lie on his side. Rey is wondering if she should end the connection and get back to herself. It is weird that she is still in his cell anyway. They are not touching anymore. When she hears a stifled sob, she decides to stay. For now.

\---

He seems to be so desperate to hide from her that she decides to pretend she does not notice his crying. There is a sink in the corner and she walks over to clean herself. She feels numb. And a bit dizzy. Her hand is still bleeding. Damn it. Rey wraps it in a dirty towel. She feels defiled anyway. Cleaning herself did not really help it.

When she walks back to the bed, Ben has sat up. He is shaking, looking onto the spot where her injured hand has left a bloodstain. It is oddly heart-shaped. How poetic.

He looks up at her with a desperate look in his eyes. "How could you ever love me?"

Right now, she does not know. But the question stirs something.

"Is that something you want?"

“It is _all_ I want!” He looks around the room helplessly. “It’s why I’m here.” His voice is but a whisper.

That is the moment when she knows it. He is still the man she wants. No matter what he says, no matter how much he hurts her, he will never change that.

Rey sighs. “And I’m still here with you.” She climbs onto the narrow bed to sit opposite from him.

The shaking has stopped and he looks at her. “Don’t ever do that again.” _Pardon_? _She_ didn’t do anything wrong!

“What do you mean?” she asks coolly.

“Don’t ever lie to me like that again.” Oh. _That_. Yeah, well … “Rey, I … I need you to be honest with me when I hurt you. I mean, I don’t _want_ to hurt you. Please, you must know that. But I’m …” he seems to be lost for words.

“Ben, it’s ok.” This time, she means it.

“No, it’s not! I’m _trained_ to ignore people’s feelings! Don’t you see? I’m corrupted. All I’ve known to do for the last decade was to ignore when they hurt. But you … “ He grabs her unharmed hand and takes it in both of his. Again, Rey is left to wonder how they could be so large. His palms are nearly double the size of hers.

“I don’t want to ignore you. I want you.” He seeks her eyes. “Promise me that you will tell me immediately if I should ever hurt you again.”

Rey’s heart skips a beat. How does he always find a way to make her want to lay her heart at his feet? All he has just said should tell her how very dangerous he is. How come she wants nothing more now than to wrap her arms around him, when just minutes ago she was ready to leave? Stars, she is going to say it.

“I promise. I want you, too.”

He swallows. There are glistening tear tracks all over his face. Rey crawls closer and kisses one of them. He does not move.

“I want you.” She kisses his mouth. He does not respond.

“I’m not afraid of you.” She kisses him again, her tongue teasing his lips.

“Rey – “ She places her fingers over his lips to silence him.

“Show me how much you want me.” She draws closer and sits on his lap, straddling him. His arms hesitantly come around her back.

“Make me come.”

Silence.

“How?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll show you. For now, just kiss me back. I’m beginning to feel stupid.”

\---

It is different from before. The ease is gone, along with their trust in instinctual behavior. He looks at her every few seconds to reassure himself that what he is doing is alright with her. Rey is sure that she will _never_ come if he keeps doing that.

“Ben?” “Mh?” “Stop looking at me. I trust you. You should trust yourself. Only fingers, lips and tongue. No nails, no teeth. When there is something I don’t like, I’ll let you know.”

“Alright.”

She can feel him trembling. It is as if he believes that if he ruins it this time, she is going to run. Argh! Why couldn’t she just fall for someone like Poe? Or at least _someone_ who knows how to be a lover?

Ben breathes out and drops his head. Then he looks up at her. “Let me try something.”

Rey hesitates.

“You trust me, remember?” He has a point. Rey nods.

“Turn around.”

Rey gives him a quizzical look.

“I can’t stand you watching me. Only fingers, lips and tongue, I promise.”

Rey turns around.

She can feel his breath against her ear beneath her hair. “You’ve got the most beautiful behind I’ve ever seen.” Her skin prickles.

“Have you seen many behinds in your life, mister Supreme Leader, sir?” She teases him.

He softly strokes away the hair from her ear and starts to nibble at her earlobe. “I’ve had a life before that, you know.” It sounds like he is smiling. His hand wanders down her back, along her spine. “But if you want to have a list of behinds I can compare it to … “ - he softly cups one of her cheeks – “there is Leia Organa, and she was a princess.” His hand softly kneads her cheek. “Then we have the famous Han Solo.” He starts massaging it. “And of course the legendary Luke S - “

“Wouldn’t it be weird if you admired the beauty of your parent’s butts?” She turns around to face him.

“Mh, look who can’t keep her eyes off of me.” Seeing that this irresistible smugness has returned to his eyes adds to her excitement. Rey quickly turns her head back down. If this is what he needs in order to feel comfortable, so be it.

He continues to play with her butt. “Did you know that Luke and Leia weren’t aware that they were siblings when they met as adults? There are rumors that she even kissed him once to prove a point to Han.” He tickles her thigh and starts to kiss a trail down her spine. “I’m from a perverted family.”

Ben spreads her legs and kneels between them. His kisses have reached the end of her spine, but he does not stop there. It dawns on Rey that he really is attracted to her butt.

He slides an arm under her hips to lift them up a little. Then he cups both her cheeks with his hands and firmly holds them apart while his kisses slowly continue their journey. Rey considers if she should tell him to stop, but it would definitely break the spell. She is curious. Not afraid, just a bit ashamed. At least she just cleaned herself thoroughly down there.

Rey did not know she was so sensitive back there. His soft kisses work at her hole and it is weird and pleasant at once. Until he dips the end of his tongue in. Her muscles involuntarily contract.

“Sorry” he says before she can complain. His kisses continue their journey. Her brain is still trying to place what she has just experienced. Did she like it?

Whatever. His hands have started to massage her inner thighs and her brain seems to block any higher order thoughts. All she can think is that he deserves a reward. She stops to stifling the mmhhs at the back of her throat.

His head comes back to hers. “Do you like that?” He whispers against her ear while some fingers have started to circle her entrance, smearing the new wetness that has grown inside of her.

“Get inside” she whispers.

“Like this?” His tongue enters her ear. She stifles a groan. “Unghh” is all that escapes.

“Get inside of me, please!”

Two fingers enter her, but it does little to ease the ache that is burning inside of her. It has been building for hours now.

“More.”

A third finger is added. It stretches her, but the space between fingers feels hollow. Suddenly Rey is aware that ‘fingers, lips and tongue’ is just not enough.

“ _More,_ ” she insists.

“Rey, I don’t think – “

“More of _you_. Not more fingers. Please, I need you to fill me.”

He stops his movements.

She turns around to face him. “I want you to fuck me. Right now.”

Silence. Doubt on his face. Argh!

“Rey, I can’t. Last time … “

“Last time I wasn’t prepared. You caught me off guard. I’m _very_ ready now. You won’t hurt me again.”

His voice is pleading. It’s pathetic. “I could just lay on my back. Like the traders -”

“You’re _not_ like the traders. I was never theirs to have. I’m still here, and I’m all yours. I said I want you. I meant it.” Her neck starts to hurt from bending at this unnatural angle. “Just take it slow. Allow yourself to _feel_ it, Ben.” She is glad to turn her head back towards the cushion. It is up to him now.

His slowness is agonizing. This time, he carefully takes himself in hand to place his head exactly at her entrance. He pushes it in and out a few times as if his cock was a new tool that he is trying out. Then he leans over her back. His mouth is on her ear again and he whispers.

“Are you sure this is what you want from me right now?”

Rey lifts her butt in response, taking him in a bit further. “Will you do something for me?”

“Anything, Rey. Anything you ask for.”

Rey smiles. She takes one of his hands and leads it under her hips, pressing it softly against her clit. Stars, no one should be allowed to have hands that large.

“Now fuck me. Start gently. _Feel_ me. Listen. You can take me harder once I ask you to. Just follow your heart.”

Ben swallows. Rey ponders if he even knows where his heart is. Then he softly kisses the place where her neck is joined to her back, while he slowly slides deeper into her. It is such a sweet gesture that Rey silently starts to cry. Is it always going to be so fucking hard to bring out the best in him?

When he reaches her end, he pauses. His forehead rests against her upper back. Rey is sure she can feel a tear fall from his cheek. It’s the perfect first time. They both know it.

He starts moving eventually. Rey's back and neck are covered with tender kisses. Is he is using the force to read her? How does he suddenly know _exactly_ what is the right rhythm? For the first time in her life, Rey feels whole.

"Are you crying?" There is no pity in his voice and no fear that he might have hurt her. He does not stop moving. It is just a surprised statement.

Rey is not one to hide. She turns her head to face him. They stare into each other's wet eyes, remaining still for a few heartbeats.

Then he kisses her hungrily and slowly starts to increase the pace.

_Stars_ , yes.

The darkness inside her is resurfacing again. It makes her raise her butt to meet his thrusts. Just so much that it hurts a little. The hand under her has started to move, rubbing patiently against her. Oh, _force_! Rey bites into the pillow to silence the sounds her throat produces.

His mouth is back on her ear. “I don’t think I will last much longer if we continue like this.”

Does this mean he enjoys it? Oh, _please_ , he must enjoy this. Nothing in her life has ever felt so damn good. The prospect of having him come inside of her suddenly thrills her. She has always thought that emission was just a prerequisite component to it. A nasty necessity. She has never dreamed that she might want it, let alone crave it. But right now, she does.

“Rey, shall I withdraw?”

_What?_ And deny her this gratification for her patience with him? No way!

“Please don’t!” she breathes. She places her unharmed hand under herself to press her palm against the back of his hand. He understands and increases the pressure of his movements against her clit.

Oh yes, this is it. Just a little more …

“Rey, I’m sorry, I can’t –“

His thrusts lose their rhythm as he comes apart violently, shaking and panting. His hand is still firmly pressed against her center.

Stars appear behind Rey’s eyes. She starts to move her butt, riding out his last flows, pressing her hand firmly against his. And there it is. Her own orgasm contracts around his exhausted cock, extracting any remains of his seed.

\---

“You done?” he whispers when her shivers have ebbed away. He is still breathing hard.

Rey just nods. She is not yet able to speak.

Ben takes out his hand from under her. Her fingers are still on top of it and he interlaces them with his. Then he slowly sinks onto her. “I didn’t know it could feel like this,” he admits, kissing her head and stroking her index finger with his thump.

“Neither did I,” she mumbles beneath her hair.

He carefully places one leg to the other side of hers. Then he rolls them over to their sides so she can breathe properly. His flagging cock is still inside of her. He carefully strokes the hair out of her face, seemingly aware that one of her own hands is wrapped in a towel while he is still holding on to the other. Then he shoves his biceps under her head and wraps his other arm tightly around her. He places his hand over her heart, taking her fingers with it.

“I’m glad you stayed,” he mutters into her hair. Ben immediately falls asleep. Rey listens to his calming heart beating against her back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, thank you, stars, this night is over. Writing it was the weirdest experience! I wanted to touch myself over the all the tasty parts (mh, was there even some vampirism involved?!).  
> Then I wanted to cry. A lot. First, for my incredibly vulnerable Rey. Oh, come on, what did you expect? An exercise in stretching? And stars, Rey, get rid of this idea that you have to be brave so you can save him! Next, I wanted to cry for my spectacularly insensitive Ben. A virgin psychopath with a conscience. Stars, he is just damaged goods. He will always be. *sob*.  
> But all I could do was to write my tears on their faces and give the scene a bitter-sweet, mysteriously gratifying happy ending. Unrealistic? Ahh, whatever. It's fiction, isn't it? I hope you all enjoyed it in the end.


	23. A lesson in torture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Ben need to digest the events of last night, while Hux enjoys Ben’s presence on his ship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can they please resume things in the morning? Nah, that would be boring…

*Knock, knock, knock.*

“Rey?”

Silence. Maybe she just dreamed it.

*KNOCK … KNOCK … KNOCK*

“REY! It’s nearly noon. Are you OK?” Finn’s voice, clearly.

Noon? Rey is disoriented. What the – is this – Oh my! A limp snake seems to slip out of her center when she shifts. Strong arms pull her back. The man they belong to is not even awake.

She looks around. This is a cell. And Finn is … ? Near her _real_ body with the resistance! Or maybe _this_ is her real body and it is in both places at the same time? The concept of this connection is dizzying at times. But then … she is naked! Plus, naked Ben is wrapped around her and while they touch they may be seen! Finn sounded like he might walk into her room any minute. _Sandworm shit_!

Rey blasts Ben’s arms away with a push of the force. No time for explanations. Even when she has escaped his touch, the force seems determined to keep her there. Maybe it’s the force vacuum? Rey panics. Is she trapped in this cell with him?

“Rey, what’s wrong?” A sleepy Ben eyes her suspiciously.

The darkness … It hurts so much when she shuts it out that she screams. It is not just the darkness. It feels like Rey is closing a door on Ben, too.

\---

Rey opens her eyes. Her face is twisted in pain. She looks at Finn, who stands in the door. Rey blushes and looks down on herself. Alas, she is clothed.

“Rey, are you OK? Did you have a nightmare?”

_Rey?_ Somewhere in the back of her head, she can hear Ben’s angry calls.

“No!” She cannot deal with Ben right now. Finn’s confused face makes her aware that she has said it aloud.

“I mean, no, I … “ She leans back when Finn draws closer. Please just go away!

“Is that a _hicky_?” He looks at her throat, bewildered. More blood rises into her head. She tries to draw away further from Finn but she is already at the headboard. Rey runs a hand through her hair. It feels weird. What is wrong with it?

“What happened to your hand, Rey?!”

Rey looks at it. It looks ugly. A violet bruise has formed under the bite marks. She starts to tremble when unpleasant memories of last night flood her thoughts about what happened after she had received this wound. The weight on her mind is devastating. Shutting out the darkness, shutting out Ben, nevertheless replaying painful memories involving him, it is almost unbearable.

“Rey! Talk to me!” Finn looks at her beseechingly.

“I’m sorry,” she answers. Her expression is blank when she faces him. “I think I need a shower first.” Her legs feel wet. Finn looks like he is determined to stay and wait.

“Wanna join me?” she snaps, but he does not seem to understand.

“Finn, I need a shower. And some privacy!”

“Alright, _okay_.” He raises his hands and retreats. His voice says he is pissed, but Rey cannot deal with that right now. She feels her impatience growing. How did she deal with all this inner imbalance for nearly two years?

It is a relief to let the darkness back in. It wraps around her like a friend. A wicked friend, one you can never really trust. Just like Ben. She feels between her legs. So, the connection does not duplicate her. Her real body is involved. Experiences leave imprints on it.

More pleasant memories from the previous night come to her mind when she allows the darkness to guide her thoughts. The shower feels cosy and she teases at the connection. A drowsy Ben is lying on his front, hugging the bedcover where her body had been minutes ago.

“Sorry I needed to leave. I had a visitor. Besides, I really had to take a shower.” She gives him what she hopes is a seductive smile. He groans. Watching her wash away traces of his come, Ben guides a hand down to his cock. Then he suddenly tenses.

“What is it?”

“Hux.”

\---

Oh, _seriously_? His damn hot Jedi girlfriend is putting on a show for him and Hux dares to walk in on him to ruin it? Ben thinks that he should have choked the carrot to death while he had the chance.

“Having a liquid dream, are we?” The gingerhead seems to be enjoying himself. “I see how these cells may be … inspiring.” The general looks around. His voice is condescending as always. Alas, Ben _was_ kind of having a liquid dream. There is no point in hoping that his cock will swell down in time to get out of this with dignity. Well, if anyone is worried about dignity, it’s the general …

“Who needs extra inspiration when they’ve got _you_ around, Armitage?” Ben relishes in his own words and turns his naked body around to proudly present his swollen member. He raises his brows at the general and folds his hands behind his head, nodding his hips. It takes a little help from the force to keep his face from flushing. Ben is acutely aware that Rey is still watching him.

His plan is a little too successful. Hux has difficulty to take his eyes from Ben’s naked body, fixating his genitals for so long that Ben is reminded of rumors about the general’s sexual orientation. Hopefully, this doesn’t give the Ginger Nut ideas …

“Seven hells, Ren! What has gotten into you?” Hux has turned around. “Get dressed. Your interrogators will be here in five minutes.”

“You think you can torture me?” Ben sneers. He is sure that there exists no kind of pain in the Galaxy that he has not suffered yet. Having somehow hurt Rey last night, the only person in his live who ever really mattered to him, who ever really got through to him, just completes his collection of painful memories. It ranges somewhere near the experience of patricide. Hux cannot make him hurt others. He cannot look inside his head to exploit his weaknesses, not like Snoke could. Ben is sure he will be alright.

“Just because you’re an expert in torture that doesn’t mean you’re immune to it.” Hux’ reply is cold and calculated. He has regained his composure. “You’re not a droid, Ren. In this cell, you’re as human as I am. If you can hurt, you can be tortured. You and I know that everyone talks eventually. Or they die. Anyway, I’ll make sure you hurt before you die.”

\---

Rey hurriedly wraps her hand in one of her armbands, quickly dries herself, puts on some new clothes and a scarf and heads out of her room. She needs to find Poe. Maybe she can talk him into a rescue mission ...

"Rey!"

She walks into Finn and Poe. They must have been waiting for her outside her room.

"Rey? What happened?" "Talk to us!" "Who bit you?!"

Rey remains silent for a while.

"It was an accident." She looks Finn straight in the eyes. Everyone knows that Rey is a bad liar. It is probably why they usually let her get away with all her vague and evasive statements.

Finn seems intent on getting the details out of her this time, but after seeing Rey’s sideways glance to Poe, he changes his mind. Rey will not elaborate further on the circumstances of her injury in Poe's presence.

Suddenly, an excruciating pain cuts through Rey's brain. She falls to her knees and starts screaming. It feels like there are needles piercing every synapse of her brain.

"What are they doing to you!" She is on the floor, shouting. Then the connection snaps shut.

Rey is still winding with pain, even though the needles are long gone. She looks up. Finn and Poe are just staring at her. The corridor has filled with people. Rey can feel all those eyes upon her. Everyone in the base knows that Rey is a weirdo. It used to be ok for her. Since her return from Undor though, they have grown more suspicious. Neither Poe nor the generals would leak information, so much is certain. Yet, the secrecy about the details of her mission and the circumstances of her escape from the Leadership made people talk. This latest performance will certainly add to the rumors that Rey is going insane. Maybe she is.

\---

They have fled the scene and receded to the conference room. Rey does not want to waste any time. "He is being held prisoner in a force-vacuum cell. They are torturing him.”

“Force vacuum? How was Hux able to build a force vaccum cell for Kylo Ren?” Rey is losing track of who is speaking. It feels like Poe and Finn have formed a front against her.

She sits back and speaks to the floor. “Hux didn’t. It was built for me.” She looks up at them. “And his name is Ben.”

Finn breathes in sharply. “So, _Ben_ built a force-vacuum cell for _you_?” “And now you what? You wanna go on a rescue mission?” Poe seems eager to join.

Rey looks down again. The way they put it, it sounds so haywire. Still, it is exactly what she wants to do.

“I can’t just leave him there,” she whispers. “He’s only there because of me.”

The room falls silent for a while.

“Rey, did you sleep with him?” Poe’s voice is trembling.

Now would be an excellent time to discover her talent for lies. How did he even figure it out? She has been so careful with hiding her attachment to Ben from Poe. Is she really so transparent?

“You didn’t!” Finn exclaims. “Rey, tell me that you didn’t!”

Rey looks out of the window.

Poe’s fist smashes into the table. He stands up and turns around so he doesn’t have to look at her anymore. “I should have never agreed to this bloody mission. I should have never let you alone with him …”

“You couldn’t have prevented it.” Rey gives up hope that they will help her with a rescue plan. Maybe she should have kept her intentions to herself. There is a risk that they might even try to stop her.

“Sure I could have –“

“No, Poe! Our connection … it’s physical.” She raises her wrapped hand. Then she looks at Finn. He is the only one alive who has seen it. Finn nods. Then it really sinks in and Finn becomes angry.

“I don’t get you, Rey. All he has ever done to you is to hurt you!”

“That’s not true.” Rey’s voice is defiant.

“From the moment he first met you –“

“I was shooting at him when we met.” Rey hopes that she will not have to go over every single encounter.

“When you first saw his face, he hurt you!”

_You reciprocated._ There is a tired voice from behind Rey’s back.

_They’re having a break._ The timing is bad, but Rey is really relieved to hear Ben’s voice. It is oddly comforting to have him join this twisted conversation.

“And I hurt him back.”

“Oh, that’s so much better! Good to know that you two are hurting _each other_.”

_Nah, he’s right. Usually, I’m the one to hurt you and you keep saving my life._ Ben’s sarcasm is not helpful here.

“I hope you bit him back, then.”

“Shut it, Finn! It. Was. An. Accident!”

_Ah, biting me back sounds like a lot of fun._ The pain in Ben’s voice makes Rey turn around to look at him. His condition scares her. He is sitting on the floor with his back leaned against the wall. His head hangs down and the circles under his eyes have grown twice their size. His complexion is an odd greenish grey.

“What did they do to you?!” She walks over to him and kneels. When her hand touches Ben’s shoulder, Finn jumps.

“They drugged me.”

Everyone in the room can see and hear him now. Poe just exhales. “If anyone walks in on us now, we’re done. I can’t believe I’m hosting _Kylo Ren_ inside the base.”

“I’m Ben.” His real voice sounds even much more exhausted than the one in Rey’s head.

Poe’s face has turned to ice. “You think you’re a different person now? Just because you’ve fucked her?” Rey has never heard him say anything so wounding.

Ben acidly glares at Rey. “That … was private.” Rey frowns. She would have thought that Ben is one to brag with his conquest.

Anyway, she will not let him get away with blaming her of having betrayed their privacy. Rey lets go of Ben’s shoulder and takes a step back, fixating him. Then she slowly lifts her injured hand to her neck. A bloodstain has formed on the band around her hand. She shoves away the scarf to expose the bruise that he sucked on her throat.

“You have claimed your territory for everyone to see.” The bitterness in her voice surprises her. She had not meant it to sound so accusative.

Ben’s eyes are full of regret. It is beyond what he could say with words. They have unwittingly digressed from matters of privacy to the events of last night. Rey will not let him apologize for it. Nothing has happened against her consent.

“Ben, don’t be sorry. I don’t regret it.”

She means it. The memory of the previous night has formed a grey cloud above the image of her strength. Rey is confident that she will learn how to tap it, eventually. She touches Ben’s cheek and takes him into her mind, to show him. The grey cloud hovers beside the black cloud of his childhood memory, just above the head of her meditating reflection. The reflection has aged since she last saw her. The naïve girl is gone. Her strength has reached maturity. There are declined scarred bite marks on the right hand of the reflection, just where Rey has got the fresh wound on her left hand.

Finn coughs. “Guys ...”

Ben’s head falls back against the wall. “Break is over. They’re back.”

The connection ends and Ben vanishes. Rey staggers. It feels like someone has torn the foundations from under her feet. She tries to lean against the wall with her left hand, but recoils because of the pain.

“Rey!” Finn walks over to help her. He supports her until she sits in her chair.

Rey notices that the connection has been getting stronger. It overcomes force vacuum. It seems like they can choose where to appear now. Once they have touched, they stay in the other’s world. Closing it, even temporarily, has increasingly become a burden.


	24. Leaving again

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey is determined to rescue Ben on her own. Ben is too weak to sway her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sorry for taking so long. My idea of the storyline proves to be difficult to translate into meaningful text.

Rey does not want to leave the base with a guilty conscience. Wasting no time, she heads to the cafeteria. The members of the war council are gathered around a table, discussing her inexplicable behavior of late when she arrives. Rey summons all her strength for the declaration she prepared. "I haven't been honest with you. I mean, I didn't lie, but sometimes omissions make the truth sound like a lie." She sounds like Finn.

The warrioress looks up at her like a teacher lecturing a misbehaving student. "Rey, we're having lunch. I'm sure whatever you want to tell us can wait until we've finished." Ah, shut up, bitch!

"I grew up on insufficient portions. Be sure that I know the value of a decent lunch. Just hear me out. I’m not someone to give a lengthy speech.” There is no further protest, so Rey continues. “When I said that Ben contacted me, I didn’t meant that he sent me a letter or gave me a call. Him and me, we share a special connection through the force. We can just talk. In our minds.”

Disbelieving murmurs. As if to prove it, the connection opens. Rey can feel Ben’s curious eyes on her back. She will not turn around now and give them even more reason to doubt her soundedness of mind.

“That’s why I think I know him. I’ve kept it shut since he has become Supreme Leader. I knew that there was still light in him, but I thought that his decision was made, that he was lost. I was wrong.” She pauses to give the last sentence some weight. Why do her words sound as if she rehearsed them? The whole cafeteria has begun to stare at her. She tries hard to ignore all the eyes on her and focuses on the task at hand.

“The second thing I need to tell you concerns the events on the Leadership. I forbore from telling you that the first series of bombs had knocked him out.” The warrioress gasps. The other members are slower with understanding. “Ben was unconscious. It was _I_ who saved _his_ life. Not the other way round. That came later. Even when I thought that he was hunting us down, even when he had betrayed me, I was unable to let him die. In fact, I may never be able to let him die.”

“Traitor!” The fish alien is on his feet. Rey just pretends that he does not exist. The other members of the war council do the same and keep looking at Rey. He sits down.

“I have come here today to ask you for your consent to what I’m about to do. I do not seek your approval or your understanding. All I’m asking you is not to try and stop me.” Rey steadies herself before she continues. “Ben Solo has been captured by the First Order. I’m going to free him.”

“ _Ah, don’t_.” Ben’s voice from behind her sounds so tired.

The warrioress frowns at Rey. “Do you love him?” She’s smart. Rey does not know the answer to that, so she remains silent.

The fish is pointing at Rey. He is on his feet again. “This mad girl has to be decapitated for treason on the spot!” Rey’s darkness wells up inside of her. If they chose to kill her or hold her back, she won’t be able to save Ben!

Rey stretches out her bite-less arm. Her wrist has finally healed. Her palm points towards the fish. She angles her hand and squeezes. Tight. The fish gasps for air. Rey lifts her arm until the fish hangs in the air several feet above the ground. No one makes a sound.

“Rey, put him down.” The tiredness has left Ben’s voice. He sounds concerned but calm. She can feel him approaching from behind. “Lower your arm, Rey.” He places his hand above her outstretched arm and lowers it. If it comes any closer, they will touch. Everyone could see him. Why does he do this? Rey lowers her arm to avoid a contact. Ben’s hand follows until the alien is back on the floor. “Now release you grip.”

“No!” She keeps squeezing the fish’s throat. It feels good. She can feel how she drains life out of him. Then she feels Ben’s hand on her back. “Rey, release your grip,” he commands quietly. Rey relaxes her fingers. She stares a Ben, but he just vanishes and Rey collapses when the connection breaks.

When she comes to, a tumult has broke loose around her. Finn, Poe and the warrior maid seem to be shielding her from attackers. She does not remember seeing Finn or Poe earlier. How long was she out? Rey gets up and raises her hand. Everyone turns quiet. They are scared of her.

"Just let me go and I'll end this. If you lock me up here, I'm a threat to you all." No one dares to stop her when she leaves.

Finn and Poe follow her. Once they are outside the cafeteria, Poe starts to talk. "We've got a clean First Order transporter. Hux is aboard the Galactica. I will give you coordinates. That's all I can do for you for now. You've got my code. If you get in trouble, let me know. Finn and I will come for you if we think there's a fair chance that we would get you out, but if I ever see your monster of a boyfriend, I'm gonna kill him."

"Why are you doing this?" Rey stops and shakes her head at Poe. After the awkward meeting with Ben this morning, she had expected him to try and hold her back.

"Because I've seen him, Rey. I was there. Everyone else thinks that you're under his spell after what they've just seen. However, _I've_ seen a man who looks at you the same way that _I_ look at you. He's trying to protect you from yourself, trying to comfort you. And you let him. You let him in a way that you don't let me, that you don’t even let Finn.” Poe and Finn exchange a sad look before Poe continues.

“You're losing your mind, Rey, but if I keep you locked up at the base, it's gonna destroy you. So please, go and do what you must, my crazy little witch." Poe strokes her cheek and slightly shakes his head. "You've got the mighty Kylo Ren under your spell. I never managed to get us so close to ending the war, not with all my strategic plans. So if you think he’s ready to surrender the galaxy for you, then in the name of the stars, Rey, go and bring us peace! I would back you up with all we've got if that decision were up to me, but this is a democratic structure. Allowing you to leave is the most I can hope to get away with."

It strikes Rey that Poe is a great man. Probably the greatest she ever met. Rey has always thought that Poe only loved her because he did not really know her. Maybe she did not do him justice. Maybe he knows her better than she allows herself to acknowledge. Maybe, in a different life, they would have had a chance …

But she had met Ben first and it had turned her world around. Knowing Ben made her question everything. Her life, her believes, her values. Ben never really tries to make her feel secure. He does not try to please her, not like Poe does. Being with Ben is difficult. In fact, she often hurts around him. But he also comforts her soul in a way that no one else can. He is best at it when he is not even aware of what he is doing. Ben is like a missing piece inside of her. When he holds her, everything falls into place and she feels whole. Rey does not do this for peace. She owes it to herself.

\---

The clean ship is not on the base. Rose, Finn, Poe, BB-8 and R2D2 all accompany Rey to a neighboring moon where the resistance keeps a hidden stock of spacecrafts. Rey knows that they have come to see her off because they want to say goodbye in case she does not return.

She tries to mollify them. "Don't worry. I've escaped the First Order twice now. I can do it once more. But I'd rather defeat them this time." She winks and manages a smile. “I won’t hug you, guys. I _will_ return.”

Rey just waves and mounts the ramp, but Finn runs after her and pulls her into a hug. “Let me come with you,” he whispers into her ear. Rey considers this. She looks into Finn’s eyes and shakes her head. “You’re going to be a father, Finn. If you’d come with me, I would be worried about you all the time. On a harebrained mission like this, I cannot worry about more than one person I care about. Please understand.” She leaves him deeply worried, but he does not press the subject. Rey takes off and casts one last glance at the people she loves. It feels wrong to be leaving them again.

\---

Ben has been watching their goodbyes. Now he is sitting across from Rey, on the other side of the spacious cockpit of the freighter. "You're mad, scavenger girl. Go back while you can." Ben's voice is a hoarse, tired whisper. "I should strangle Hux as long as I have some strength left. Then they would kill me and I might find some rest for my haunted soul."

"Don't you dare!" Rey is furious. "You don't get to leave me. Ben, I've chosen you! You can't run away from that."

Ben groans. "You had better chosen Dameron. He's a good guy. I don't get why he let you leave.” He pauses, thinking about it. “Or maybe I do. He loves you. It makes him blind.” It sounds like he knows exactly what he is talking about.

Ben walks over to her and seeks Rey’s eyes. “You're a lamb walking into the lion's den. Again. What do even hope to achieve, Rey?”

She does not know what to answer. She does not really have a plan. Rey trusts her instincts on this. It seems to be not good enough for Ben.

“Last time you came to the Order, you were hoping to turn me. I didn't turn. You don’t have a plan. What makes you think you'll be more successful this time?" Rey has never heard him speak so cynically. What did they do to him to make him forfeit so soon? It sounds like Ben has given up on his life already, but Rey has not.

"Maybe you haven't turned to the light. I was wrong to expect that. You're dark and you will always be. It's what keeps you strong. And you turned against the First Order eventually. However, that's not why I came to you last time. Ben, I came to save you! And I will keep doing this as long as it takes."

Ben snorts and shakes his head. "You're a stubborn desert rat." Despite the choice of words, Ben sounds fond of her. "If it's no use to reason with you, you better brace yourself. Hux is experimenting on me with new torture methods. I've been shielding you from it the best I could, but the drug he gave me this afternoon might actually get me killed if he increases the dose. I think I can't face it while shutting out the light."

"The connection has been getting stronger." Rey absent-mindedly looks at her bitten hand. She has been to the med bay in order to get it fixed. They told her that she would always keep a scar.

"I know. I think it’s feeding on our feelings for each other." He sounds as if he regrets it.

"Ben, you don't have to protect me. Let me share some of your pain. I've been starving for most of my life. I can take it." She can, can’t she?

Ben groans again. "This is not just physical pain, Rey. I mean, yes, the drug makes you feel like you're burning from the inside out, but it's also messing with my head and that’s worse. I’d rather starve, actually. It makes me relive my most painful memories over and over again.” His eyes are glazing over and he stares into nothingness.

“Which memories?” Does she even want to know? Rey has to admit that the thought of witnessing Ben’s most painful memories scares her. She has seen the sea of black clouds inside of him. There is a sheer endless pool of painful memories in his mind and the prospect of repeatedly experiencing the worst of them makes her shiver.

He closes his eyes in pain before he looks up at her. “There are some childhood memories and bits and pieces of causing the death of my relatives, mostly concerning Han. But most of the time, it’s a picture of you.” He looks away from her. “You’re under me. You stroke my cheek and you say “it’s ok,” but I know you hurt.” He determinedly avoids her eyes. “Not physically. Mentally. Like I’ve taken something away from you. Something of value, something important.” Ben finally faces her with sad, tired eyes. “Are you ready to go through this again?”

No, actually Rey is not. Not now, not in his presence. How can this be his worst memory? She is prepared to watch him witness genocides like the one on the Hosnian system, or order the death of entire villages himself, or slaughter younglings in Luke’s temple. But this … Rey feels deeply embarrassed. He just fucked her a little hard during their first time. So what? He didn’t even hurt her on purpose. It is nothing compared to all the pain he has deliberately inflicted on people, all the deaths he has consciously caused. And yet, it is the one thing Rey is not prepared to relive. Ben has always been caring around her. Even when he hurt her, he was always mindful to minimize the pain. This memory is the one blemish on his behavior toward her. The one moment that should have been perfect. Rey really wishes she were able to forget it. She swallows.

“I’d rather go back to starving actually.” Her cynical undertone makes him snort. At least they share a strange taste for a morbid kind of black humor. “Let’s channel _my_ worst memories then. I promise you, _this one_ is not among them.”


	25. Time of my life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A battle of wills with a creepy drug

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There is some emotional torture ahead and we also touch on archive warnings.

Ben has a bad feeling about this. He should not have involved her. It would not do if Rey arrived at the First Order while he had got himself killed over his pride. Yet, channeling her memories is a bad idea. Rey has been so enthusiastic about it and he is just too weak to argue, at least with her. The little desert rat is way too fucking enthusiastic about everything lately! In the back of his mind, he knows he should stop her, convince her to turn around. She is hoping for a future together that they will never have. He cannot live a quiet life with her. He is not one to raise children. His vision was about _her_ future, not about his. But the boy … he had looked so much like him …

He should better clear his mind for what comes next. The interrogators will return from dinner any second now. Ben and Rey have used the break to practice together. The force vacuum makes it difficult for his body to be transported into her surroundings, but touching physically facilitates joining their minds and they managed somehow. After an exhausting eternity of failed attempts, Rey is now able to focus her mind on Ben’s body in the cell. It was not Ben’s skill as a teacher that had gotten them there. They solely owe this to her reluctance to accept a defeat.

\---

It surprises Ben that Hux himself enters the cell. “Ready for another round, Ren?”

“Armitage! What a pleasure! Take a seat. Why don’t we have a chat? How’s your cat? And have your balls dropped yet?”

“I don’t have a – “ Hux stops and narrows his eyes. He decides to pretend that he did not hear the insult. “Careful here, Ren. My assistants have reported that the last drug you received got you quite … _high_.” Hux looks at Ben with a quizzical look.

“Does this mean I have earned myself some more?” Ben tries to sound eager.

“Well, well, well. Look who can’t get enough. You’re a sick little whore, Ren. Who would have guessed. Alright then, get on the table. Lie down for me.”

Ben fixates himself. He knows that it is no use to put up a fight. He has no weapon and the force vacuum extends way beyond his cell. He might be able to hurt Hux, but he would never make it out alive. There is no flaw in Hux’ security concept. For now.

Hux himself positions the syringe at his arm. Ben cannot resist dropping another stinger. “I always knew that you wanted to nail me. Maybe you get it out of your system now.” Hux has to reposition the syringe. Good. Any time he can buy is a bonus.

Ben and Rey swap minds as practiced. Rey occupies the conscious parts of the strapped body that the drug can reach. Hux sits down on a chair and watches while the substance travels through the immobilized body.

It starts with a familiar image. Rey’s parents were leaving on a space ship. Ben has seen it before. He does not really bother. She should really get over it. Soon, the image is replaced by Rey crying herself to sleep. An older woman told her not to cry. It made her cry even louder. Ben thinks that he should care more, but the crying is annoying and the whole exercise was about not getting involved too much anyway. The drug starts to look for something better and a new memory appears.

Rey was waiting out a sandstorm in a huge wreck. She didn’t make it to get home anymore before the storm hit them full force. Her hunger was agonizing. She managed to moister herself some water, but there was nothing left for her to eat. She had stretched her emergency ration for two days. After the third day, she started eating her own hair and nails to fill the void in her stomach. Eventually, she even chewed on her clothes and the soles of her shoes.

Ben can feel how Rey is deeply embarrassed that he watches this memory. The drug lingers on it. It exploits Rey’s embarrassment. As he suspected, the drug seems to be some form of living thing that feeds on negative feelings. Rey will have to fight it. Ben reaches out to her mind. _“You don’t have to be ashamed. You came out alive. People like us, you and me, we go through shit and we come out the other end.”_ His words seem to comfort her, so he goes on. _“You lived to see another day. It’s all that matters to me.”_ Rey holds on to the thought that he is fond of her for surviving. The drug gets bored with the memory and goes on.

Looking for something better, the drug scans Rey’s mind for reminders of the perils that a young girl faces when she is left alone to grow up on her own. There is less than the drug would have liked, but it finds one incident when Rey was about 17. This memory unravels like a story. It is not meant to torture _her_. The drug chose it for _him_.

It was evening and Rey looked out to the sunset through her Rebel Alliance flight helmet outside of the stranded AT-AT she used to call her home. Three figures emerged from the dunes. She recognized them. They were fellows of her latest squeeze, traders from the core worlds. Unkar Plutt must have sold them her whereabouts. By the look on their faces, they were not coming to talk shop with her about scrap metal.

Ben shifts uneasily when he realizes where this memory is going.

17-year-old Rey stayed calm. She politely greeted the intruders and offered them a cup of hot water. They started to make jokes about her lacking hospitality, which she did not understand. After all, she had offered them the most valuable treasure she possessed. They started to call her a thrifty slut and spat at her.

Ben groans, because the men started to touch her and pressed her against the wall. _“You said your memories would be less painful than mine.”_ This is unbearable for him. There is nothing he can do. It all happened in the past.

_“This one ain’t too bad actually,”_ Rey contemplates. _“I’m a big girl. Just wait and see.”_

The men dragged Rey inside her _Hellhound Two._ Strong arms fixated her on the ground while one of the men started to undo his zipper.

Ben is overwhelmed with his own powerlessness. _“Please, Rey, do something about it!”_ He does not know if he means the girl from the memory or the woman whose mind the drug is toying with. He cannot watch this! It is impossible to look away though. Their minds are intertwined. Ben lets out a frustrated scream, which echoes through Rey’s mind and escapes the chained body. Hux will like this.

Dirty hands pulled at Rey’s grey leggings. Then everything happened very fast. One second, Rey was on the floor with her genital area exposed. The next, she had got all three men strapped together with lace around their wrists and ankles.

Ben lets out a relieved moan.

Contentedly, Rey rifled through her drawers, producing recycled ink, a quill and a sharpened animal bone, humming to herself.

_“Why didn’t you just kill them?”_ Ben does not understand what is going on in this memory.

_“To allow their faces to haunt me in my nightmares?”_ Rey snorts. _“I can’t deny that I considered it. They would have at least deserved me cutting off their genitals, but I don’t sell my soul for a couple of dicks.”_

Rey seems to enjoy witnessing this memory again. Since he does not see any immediate danger for her now, Ben relaxes. Maybe choosing her memories was a good idea after all. He watches her strapping the men to her table one by one.

“I hope seeing my pussy was worth it, guys.” Rey’s voice sounded deeply satisfied while she produced ugly tattoos on the area between their navels and their pubic hair. The writings read “rapist” in about 15 different languages, including braille and binary. Ben chuckles when he watches Rey heating up the end of a thick wire in order to add a branding to the braille version.

The drug is getting impatient. It tries out a few more recent memories. Han’s death is among them, but from Rey’s perspective, Ben does not have to see his father’s face. He concentrates on irrelevancies like how his clothing style is as vain as Han’s, or how he has inherited Han’s invincible mane. Rey follows his line of thinking and starts to make fun of the memories. It irritates the drug.

When Leia’s funeral comes up, Ben is actually grateful that he gets the opportunity to watch it. He had to play some sick mind game with the resistance in order to get Hux to agree to an exchange of her body.

It was a beautiful ceremony. A long procession followed ancient paths deep into a wooded valley. Ben recognizes it as the forest around the rebel base. A sad music played along. The melody reminds Ben of his mother’s force signature. It opened on an upward leap of a major sixth. Ben listens to it, entranced. He makes a note to himself to visit his mother’s grave one day. When the drug pulls away, Ben is actually sorry, because he would have liked to witness the ceremony in full.

The drug is bored with bad memories altogether. It has sensed the duality of minds watching the memories, so it opts for a different strategy. Pictures of other memories emerge. Less painful ones.

The first one is Rey hugging Finn on Starkiller. A flash of jealousy flickers in Ben but he reminds himself that FN is the future father of the vision twins. The traitor is not competing for Rey.

Next, they watch how Han asked Rey to join him as a crew member. Whatever the drug is playing at, Ben has a bad feeling about it.

The following memory is a picknick on a hill above the valley. Leia had organized it as a birthday gift for Rey once she had heard that Rey did not have a birthday. Everyone sat, ate, drank, talked, and congratulated Rey. Ben feels a strange connection to his mother. She did something for the girl he loves. Something simple, yet so effective. She was the mother for her that Rey never had and that he never wanted. Why didn’t he sort out things with his mother before she died? How does the drug manage to make him feel like this? These are her _happy_ memories. Why don’t they make him happy, too?

The drug is starting to feel brave. It finally found the right spots to hit, so it looks for more people Rey was close to whose death can be attributed to Ben’s monstrous alter ego. The next memory involves a rare moment of a more relaxed Luke. When he had heard that Rey grew up on Jakku, he gathered her, Chewie and Artoo for an evening hike to the other side of the island. It did not take long, though Chewie had to carry Artoo for most of the way. When they rounded a cliff, Rey could see a huge fire on the beach and she heard … music. Sort of. A mix of drums and tweets. It was the first party Rey ever attended, and she had never had so much fun in her life before. The caretakers had prepared the most delicious dish Rey has ever eaten. The porgs were getting high on some fermented Thala-siren milk that made them stagger and slowed down their tweets. It also made them audacious. They engaged Rey in a funny dance. Luke watched her for a while, smiling to himself, but soon the porgs had charmed him and Chewie into entering the fray. They ended up dancing all together in a chaotic heap. Porg, caretaker, wookie, human, droid, it did not matter that night. Everyone was friends and everyone enjoyed themselves and the company.

It is such a joyful scene to watch that Rey leaks a tear, which falls onto the table. Ben is sure that he would not have enjoyed himself at such an occasion. He hates parties. Yet, that is not why the drug chose the memory. Luke died there. On Ahch-To. He was her teacher and her mentor, and Luke died in order to protect her. From him. Her most happy memories do not involve him, but they involve the people he took from her! _“No, Rey, stop this! It has learned how it can hurt me through you!”_

Yet another memory is unpicked. It is the vision of the twins and Ben winces. A feeling of happiness and connection coats him. It is a feeling that is not for him. And it is not for the people around him. If Rey choses to stay with him, it is not for her either. Ben’s heart breaks at the realization of this. He has always been an obstacle to her happiness and he will always be.

The drug feeds of Ben’s heartbreak. It slowly sucks life out of him. When Rey understands what is going on, she abruptly draws her mind from his body, leaving it unconscious. Ben’s mind has already passed out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another cliffhanger with Ben’s life in immediate danger. Is this becoming a habit?


	26. Carnal pleasures

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben vanquishes the drug and feels bold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: this chapter is explicit! It features sexual activities that are not intended for procreation. Always bear in mind that intimate scenes in this story tend to lack the comfortable mindlessness of generic porn.

Hux hovers over him when Ben opens an eye. “Come on, Ren. Is that all you got? If you keep passing out, I will have to kill you already. I thought we might have some more fun together.” Ben thinks that Hux is more entertaining when he is not trying to be funny.

“I’m _sorry_ , Armitage. I use your lousy drugs as a training exercise, practicing various forms of mental defenses, you see.” Ben is still dizzy, but old friend sarcasm is always there when he needs it. He looks the Ginger General up and down. “Would do you good, too.” Ben sneers. “You should try some of your own stuff one of these days.”

Hux sounds offended. Mission accomplished. “You think I’d pass out, too, like a female?” Ahh, what an opening.

Ben masters a playful voice. “You sure seemed interested in my cock this morning.” And, besides, Rey is able to man up in a way that the carrot never could.

Ben enjoys the General’s temporary loss for words. “Don’t worry, _Armie_ , I’ll stay around for you to admire my gorgeous body while you play with your medicine cabinet. I’ll just resort to less … _callow_ forms of defense. I _promise_. You need another demonstration right now? Wanna try another pill? What else have you got in store, your Generality? Something that gives me a fever, maybe? So I would have to undress …” He raises his brows.

His tactic pays off. The General fumes. “We’ll resume tomorrow morning. Put yourself together until then. Ask yourself if the info you’re hiding is worth all the trouble.”

“Ah, but _General_ , I’m having fun!”

The redhead is already out of the cell. “I’m the _Supreme Leader_!” he snarles. Ben smiles.

A droid takes off the restraints. Ben gets up and stretches. The drug is still in his system. It weakens him, but since Rey shut out her darkness to block the connection, he was able to keep his light. He closes his eyes and focuses on it.

His inner light wraps happy memories around the drug and it recoils. He did not even know that he had any happy memories. Somehow, his light knows where to look. There are some early childhood memories with his parents, but for most of it, _his_ happiest memories do concern being with Rey. It feels good to go through them. He relives each and every one with relish, rubbing it in to the drug.

The way she kissed him in a cell very much like this one. The night when she fell asleep with her head against his shoulder. The night after that, when he fell asleep knowing that she had chosen to be there with him. Two nights ago, holding hands during a quiet walk in the forest.

He shows the drug the way she has let him in, the way she relied on him to be her confidant, the way she allowed herself to cry in his presence and how she let him to comfort her. He has always loved her, but for a few days now, he dares to hope that one day, she might really love him back. It is not the fatherly kind of love, which he had been seeking in vain from Han, or Luke, or even Snoke. Rey’s love is balanced and unconditional and he has never felt anything comparable to it. He would give up anything, his life, his dignity (if there is any), his ambitions, if she only were to grant him that special place in her huge heart.

The drug tries to nourish his self-doubts, resurfacing memories of how Rey had looked at him this morning, exposing the latest of the many wounds that he has inflicted on her. There is this bitterness again that he had seen in her eyes.

The drug even unearths pictures of Rey’s mind, focusing on the divide between darkness and light. A rift has formed between the scarred tissue from repeatedly breaking up her soul into a dark and a light side, while the two are supposed to be one. The drug tells him that _he_ has caused her unstable state of mind. It claims that he only ever causes her pain.

It takes Ben a lot of effort not to give in to despair again. Part of him wants to let the drug win, to surrender himself to the rationale that she _should not_ love him. Still, deep inside, he knows that she does. He shows the drug that, despite of all he has done to her, she _is_ on a kamikaze mission to save him right now. She has succeeded before. She has a habit of trusting in him like no one else in his life ever had. She believed him when he told her about Luke. She confided in him about her deepest desires. She helped him to get rid of Snoke. Even when he had given her every reason to abandon him, she had rescued him from a doomed ship. And last night, she had stayed with him even though she hurt, and they created the most beautiful memory that ever occupied his mind. He shows their second time to the drug. How they had been one in body and mind, how they had moved as one. Having been with her like this makes him feel whole. It gives him a purpose. It is something the drug cannot take away from him.

When Rey tentatively opens the connection, the drug collapses under a new surge of pure love for her. Ben suddenly feels powerful, bold and self-assured. Rey is his. Nothing can change that. He could not make her leave him if he wanted to.

\---

Rey had to let go of Ben, end the connection. With his mind unconscious, cutting it did not hurt and Rey is relieved that she is spared side effects. There was nothing else that she could have done for him. He had to fight the drug by himself. All she could do was to keep the connection shut, so he could exploit his light, only having to fight his own mind, not hers, too. Why had her happy memories tortured him so much? Was it because he was not part of them? Would he ever be able to create a purely happy memory with her? Does it matter? To be honest, if she had to choose right now between experiencing scenes of pure happiness, like the ones that the drug has showed her, and spending time with Ben, she would want to spend time with Ben. Even if it made her hurt.

Maybe he needs to know this in order to fight the drug. Rey lowers her barriers. Ben looks calm and resolved. He must have won the struggle against himself on his own.

“Will you be alright?”

He snorts. “I’d rather relive my own pain for an eternity than witness one more happy memory of yours.”

Rey is convinced that it cannot be too bad if he is able to leak his sarcasm again.

He stares at her. "Come over here." His tone is demanding, presumptuous and possessive. The way he says it is forbidding and spellbinding at the same time.

"I don't think this is a good idea." She needs to stay focused. She is approaching First Order territory.

"Rey. You're crazy. I think you Iove me."

Where does he suddenly take this sexy impertinence? "Ben, I-"

"You don't have to admit it. You're doing this. It's all that counts. Come over here. I need to have you one more time before all this goes to hell."

Rey does not move. She wants it. Badly. But he is in no position to make demands.

"Rey, if you've changed your mind, if you don't want me, you can just say it." His voice is still self-confident.

"No, please, I want you. Badly. It’s just that …”

Rey cannot resist anymore, not when he is displaying his gorgeous, smug smile. She walks over and kisses him. It is a hungry, longing, fierce kiss, as if she returns to the well after a particularly long tour around the dunes. She places her hand on his chest and with a little push of the force, he ends up pressed against the wall. Rey follows and kisses him again. They start to make out, groping and panting like wild animals. Their hands roam everywhere, dipping beneath clothes, pressing their hips together, pulling at each other’s hair rather roughly. Hungry teeth graze lips, ears, erogenous skin. The heat between them is driving Rey nuts. She is getting upset with all the clumsy fumbling. Finally, Ben just tears her shirt apart.

Rey stops for a moment to consider if she needed her shirt for her mission. Then she is reminded that last time, she still had her clothes on after the connection ended. It’s gonna be fine. _She_ is gonna be fine. She needs this now. Her body needs it. Her soul needs it. Her heart needs it.

“You alright?” Ben lifts her chin and searches her eyes.

“No.” Her malicious undertone is accompanied by a sly smile. “I think you are still far too dressed.” She sinks down and kneels to undo the buttons of his trousers. Then she yanks them down along with his underwear and starts to massage his balls and cock. Her movements are not very gentle. Ben knocks his head back against the wall and lets out a helpless moan.

Rey starts to caress the head of his member with her tongue, occasionally looking up at him, finding his eyes. She is only teasing him, leaving him with a burning want for more. His hand finds her head and he signals her to take him in further, but she resists. The pressure of his hand increases and Rey has to resist it with the force. She likes the game. Ben moans in frustration.

“Stop toying with me, sand rat!”

Suddenly he grabs her hair and turns her around so that her head is leaning against the wall. His hand is shielding her skull from the duracrete. Before Rey really knows what is happening, he thrusts his cock into her mouth and down her throat. He stays there. Tears spring into Rey’s eyes from the unwanted feeling in her throat. What the fuck? Has he disabled her gag reflex with the force?!

Rey voices her displeasure. Ben immediately pulls out. He looks down on her, bewildered, breathing hard. “I’m sorry!” he pants. One of his arms rests against the wall and his forehead falls on it.

Rey gets up. She may not be in the mood for a blow job anymore, but she does not really blame him. She started the game. And somehow, he had tried to shield her. A hand against the wall, the gag reflex. Given the heat of the situation, he had been tolerably thoughtful. She wants to say “it’s ok”, but it would sound hollow. Instead, she spoons him from behind, running her hands over his chest.

“Punish me,” he breathes. “I hurt you again. I deserve punishment.” Rey is not sure what he means.

He takes one of her hands and leads it to his back, down his spine, to his … _Oh_!

He puts a finger on her middle finger and presses it into his butthole. Rey hesitates. Then she remembers his kisses on her behind and how she had somehow enjoyed it. Maybe he likes this? She probes her finger deeper in. This is weird!

“More. I deserve _more_!” His tone is demanding. It does not really sound like he is enjoying it, but Rey is quite bad at disobeying his direct commands. She slowly pushes her finger into him. Her other hand is still on his chest. She strokes him gently and leads it down his abdomen. Maybe he would enjoy this even more if …

“Stop!” He cries out when her fingers contract around his erection. Rey jumps at his painful exclamation and pulls out her finger at once. He flinches.

“Ben! What’s up?” What is this all about? Somehow, she must have misinterpreted his signals.

He does not turn around. His face is still facing the wall. Rey walks around him.

“Ben?” He has turned white. Tears are leaking from his closed eyes. He slowly turns around and slides down the wall with his back, until he sits with his thighs against his chest. Rey crouches down in front of him and tentatively pats him on his knees, which are still covered by his trousers.

“Ben! Did I hurt you? You said … I thought you wanted … “ He does not look at her. “Ben, I’m so sorry!”

Is she, now? Wasn’t _he_ the one to lecture _her_ about admitting when they hurt? _Didn’t he just fucking tell her what to do?!_ Anger builds in her chest, meeting her frustration. Why can’t he just make love to her and enjoy it!

“What the hell is wrong with you!” She screams at him. His eyes are still closed.

Her words hang in the rom for a while.

“Everything.” He quietly says it to the room. “ _I_ am wrong.”

Slowly, he turns to face her. It is as if he is waking up from a nightmare. “Rey!” New tears appear in his eyes. His lower lip is trembling.

He suddenly pulls her into a tight embrace. Rey gently pushes down his knees and straddles him. His erection is gone. She hugs him back. “Oh, Ben,” she whispers. “Who hurt you?”

He does not respond. His hands are caressing her head and he looks at her as if he is not sure whether she is really there. He shakes his head and looks away. “I don’t deserve you.”

Rey cups his face, forcing him to look at her. “Maybe. You don’t deserve to hurt, either. Nobody does. Don’t you see? It’s what the drug wants you to believe, but it’s wrong!” She mildly shakes his head.

“Ben, nobody ever gets what they deserve! If my life has taught me anything, it's this. We only get what we take for ourselves. I grew up fearing that no one would ever want me.” Rey rests her forehead against his. “But you want me,” she whispers. “You want me the way I am, the broken, twisted, unbalanced me. The Rey that nobody else understands.”

She pulls back and looks into his eyes. “Take me and I'm yours, Ben. It's as simple as that."

Ben stares at her and she can finally see her words hit home.

“You’re right. The drug was wrong. You belong to me.” He leans forward and steals a possessive kiss from her. His eyes become very dark. He takes her hand and kisses the scar that his teeth have left there. "I've already claimed you." He places another proprietary kiss on her lips. "You're mine." Strong hands grab Rey’s thighs and press them against his body. "I want you." His erection is back. "I will take you again and again if you want, until you're sore."

"Claim me. Take me. Make me yours over and over again. Love me, Ben! Love me all night."

_Stars_ , she's so horny!


	27. Approaching

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He loves her all night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had wanted to leave this up to imagination but then … Ben was right. Let’s enjoy it while we can, before all this goes to hell.

They spend the rest of the night on the narrow bed.

The first time, it is rather rough. Rey is on her back and Ben bends her legs up so he can thrust deeper.

"You're mine!"

"I'm yours. Claim me, mark me, come for me!"

He plants his seed into her as deeply as he can.

They barely take a break. The second time, it is more gentle. He has her on her stomach. The skin on her back prickles from all the cajolery it received. Rey really wants to come but Ben keeps putting it off. He is playing her like an instrument and Rey responds with an octave of helpless squeals.

"Please, I need to come. Please take me harder."

"Say it again."

"I'm yours. My body is yours. My heart is yours. I belong to you."

"You're mine. Forever. Now come for me!" Finally, he increases the pace, just a little, but it is enough for Rey to come undone. Ben patiently rides her orgasm and it seems to go on for an eternity. Then he rests on his forearms and waits for her trembling to abate. When it is over, he rises to his knees and lifts her legs with him.

Ben takes her with rough, quick thrusts. He penetrates her so hard that it hurts, but the friction is enough to send her over the edge again. When an early shockwave ripples through her walls, he wraps his arms around her tummy and falls down on her.

“You’re incredible,” he says to her head. Then he rolls them on their sides and hugs her so tight that she can barely breathe. “You’re mine. I will never let you go.” It sounds obsessive, but Rey has never felt so wanted before.

Ben releases his grip and starts to squeeze her breasts from behind. His hips undulate into her. It is not rough, but it is powerful and deep. Rey violently contracts around him. She takes him with her, milking his cock.

They silently enjoy the afterglow. Ben strokes her arm up and down with his fingertips. It makes her shiver. Her hairs stand up.

“We should sleep.” She needs to be fit for what is to come.

“I don’t want to sleep. I’d miss you.” His matter-of-factly tone is so convincing.

“I’d be right here.” Actually, Rey has already given up. She won’t sleep. Not when she is so close to him.

“And I’d spend time not knowing that you are. Let me enjoy this. I want to worship you, consciously.”

He places a soft kiss on her shoulder. Rey turns around to face him. They start to explore each other with their hands and their mouths, learning the other’s physique, their weaknesses and pleasures.

Rey is convinced that she is all spent, but Ben coaxes another orgasm from her clit with his surprisingly skilled tongue. After that, Rey wants to take a break, but he is relentless and moves on to fingering her with quick, deep strokes. He adds a third finger and Rey feels full and stretched, but then he adds a fourth. She has never felt so spread open. His thump starts to work her clit again. It feels sore, but he carefully circles it and she arches into him, seeking for more. He replaces his thumb with the heel of his other hand. With a violent series of strokes, Rey comes yet again.

Now she is too exhausted to move. Rey just lies on her back and closes her eyes. She is probably going to fall asleep immediately.

Rey can hear him jerking himself off above her and opens an eye to see thick bands of seed run onto her belly.

“You gonna clean that off?” she asks, a little annoyed.

Ben is leaning on his elbow, eyeing her contentedly. “No. It’s beautiful. I’ve marked you.”

“It’s wet,” she complains.

Ben gets up to fetch the dirty towel form the sink. He deliciously cleans her. Then he throws the towel to the floor.

“It’s gonna wreak of sex in here,” Rey states drowsily.

“I don’t care. I’m proud of it.” He rests his head on her tummy and they drift off to sleep.

\---

A high beeping noise awakes Rey after a few hours. She groans. It is her alarm.

“Ben. It’s time. I gotta get up.” She shoves his head away and sits on the edge of the bed.

“No.” He catches her wrist. “Don’t leave me.” The mattress stifles his words.

Rey wriggles herself free and starts to collect her clothes from the floor. She is half clothed when Ben comes up behind her.

“You think you can walk out on me just like that?” His hand is already in her pants and he cups her sex. Her clit is still sore but the touch of his very naked body against her back makes her mouth salivate.

“We don’t have time for this, Ben.” Rey’s voice betrays her readiness.

“It won’t be long,” he whispers in her ear. Then he teases her earlobe with his teeth and probes a finger into her cunt. Ben groans when he finds her still wet. He spins her around and pulls down her leggings and pants, taking them off completely before he puts one of her legs over his shoulder and starts to suck on her folds. Rey can hardly keep her balance. He releases her leg and gets up to suck on her breasts. Then he kisses her mouth and walks forwards, forcing her to walk backwards until she is firmly pressed against the wall. He lifts her legs to straddle his hips and immediately digs in. One hand remains at her hip. The other interlaces his fingers with hers, pressing the back of her hand against the wall. Trapped like this between the wall and Ben, Rey forgets everything around her. Nothing else in the universe matters but his crude percussions against her needy body.

It does not take long. They pant, they moan, and then they come.

“Now I’m ready,” he observes.

\---

Rey is back with her original self just in time to answer an identification request at the first [contravallation](https://www.dict.cc/englisch-deutsch/contravallation.html) around Hux' fleet. Her shirt is still torn.

They have decided to keep the connection open for now, so they would not have to needlessly worry about each other. Rey has never worried about anyone like this.

It has become obvious, even to her. She has fallen in love with Ben. It is as if she has fallen from the edge. Rey does not know when it happened, or why, or how, but she can feel herself change. He is by far the worst thing that has ever happened to her. Yet, her heart craves him and her body feels an insatiable demand for his touch. There has always been something there between them, an understanding, a kind of gravity. But since he has touched her, _really_ touched her, it has transformed into an obsession, a singularity of infinite density, buried deep inside of her, slowly swallowing the light. It is an unhealthy kind of love, but she cannot help it. He has become all that matters to her. She would do anything for him.

\---

Rey manages to mind trick herself through any communication with the several layers of security checks that the First Order has placed around the fleet.

Ben is impressed with her manipulation skills. He half-heartedly tries to hide it from her. Rey hungrily sucks in all the praise she can see on his face. Usually, she hides her skills well. She never liked the legends that the resistance used to spin around her. She never showed off. She went to considerable length in order to train on her own. In Ben’s presence however, she wants to excel herself. She wants to shine. He is the only other human being alive who could really judge her skills. She wants him to be proud of her.

“I still don’t get how you intend to get on board the Galactica, though.” He narrows his eyes. “They employ droids for security checks.”

“I know. I’ve discussed their routines with Finn. The droids base all their decisions on efficiency. If they find a ghost ship, they will take it in and search it to see if it can be reused.” Rey tries to sound calm, even though she is not. This is a critical part of her plan.

“A ghost ship? They will know you’re on board. Scanning for life forms is part of the routine.” He eyes her suspiciously. “You know that, though, don’t you.”

Rey just shrugs. She did not tell Ben about her plan because she knew he was not going to like it. They do not have time for this now. She is already there.

A droid calls her. Rey ignores it and remains calm. He keeps repeating his request for identification. Ben just watches her, patiently awaiting her next move as if she was his apprentice in some sort of examination. Rey feels the technical scan on her ship. Her engines are off. It is a convenient quality of deep space that there is practically no friction which would slow down an abandoned ship. She counts to ten and slows her heart rate. Rey does not dare to look at Ben, but she can hear him inhale sharply when he understands what she is about to do.

Rey pulls at the force and practically freezes her body. She projects her thoughts into her surroundings and shuts off most of her brain, too. Then she counts and waits for the scan to be over. It should take one minute give or take a few seconds. She has practiced this with Finn’s help before her departure, using an old lifeform scanner. Technically, she could stop her heart for about four minutes without causing any damage, but the test runs have showed that she may lack the strength to come back on her own after two minutes.

71, 72, 73 … This is too long! Why do they still scan the ship? Did she give herself away earlier?

101, 102 … Damn it, she needs to breathe again! If she wakes up while the scan is still running, they will capture her and she won’t be able to free Ben …

Ben … he’s all that counts … She’d die for him …


	28. The beginning of the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is not going to go the way you think.

Pain. Insufferable pain in her chest. Rey hyperventilates. Someone is calling her name, but her vision is blurred and her senses are muted.

“Calm down, Rey! It’s over! Just breathe!” Is that Ben’s voice? Is he crying? Who hurt him?! She’s gonna kill anyone who dared to hurt him!

No … _she_ is hurt. She cannot breathe because of it. “What happened?” she chokes out between her gasps. “I can’t breathe! It hurts!” Slowly, the uncontrolled respiration fills her brain with oxygen and she can feel a hand on her forehead. It’s a large hand. Ben’s. It’s trembling.

Rey opens her eyes and looks up at him. He is shaking all over. When their eyes meet, he exhales and runs a hand over his face. “You’re back!” Then he sinks down on her, burying his head on her shoulder. He starts to cry even harder.

The weight of his body on her chest makes Rey scream with pain and he quickly withdraws. “Sorry! I think I may have broken some ribs. I’ll get you something.” He hastily gets up and is already about to leave.

“No, Ben! Please stay!” She grabs his arm. “Tell me what happened!”

He exhales again and lets his head drop. “You were out for too long. I checked the time. After three minutes, I got worried. Rey, what did you think! You scared the hell out of me!” He runs a hand through his hair, trying to calm himself. Now is not the time for accusations. “There was no anchor for the connection once you were out. I couldn’t get to you. You were practically dead and I was surrounded by force vacuum.” Rey can see the despair in his eyes while he recounts. His fists clench.

“How did you manage?” This is confusing. The way he describes it, she should be dead.

He looks at her. His breath is still uneven. “After five minutes, I thought I’d lost you. I held my breath to slow down my own heart.”

Rey’s eyes widen. No! Why would he endanger himself like that?

“I found you between worlds. I held on to you and made my heart beat again. I was able to get to your body, but I couldn’t use the force on you. I had to reanimate you with my hands.”

Rey’s jaw drops. Her head is still a mess and her brain is slow. Ben kneels down again and takes her hand.

“Please, Rey. Please promise me that you’ll be more careful.” He is still crying. “If I die, you’ve still got your friends. You can still have a family.” He strokes her hand, holding on to it as if to keep himself from falling. “All _I_ ever had was my hatred and my anger for everyone who betrayed me. It was my lifeline. It kept me going. And you took it away. Rey, you’re all that matters to me. If you were gone, I would lose the only good that has ever happened in my life. I’d either kill myself or become the worst monster that the universe has ever seen.”

Rey can see in his eyes that he means it. She just nods, because she is too weak to argue. Everything hurts. Her body hurts, but seeing him like this hurts even more. She never meant for him to feel like this.

Ben looks up. “Someone’s coming.” Rey can hear that he is uneasy. He vanishes and the connection is lost. Rey screams out loud when the pain of the cut connection hits her heart. She tries to reopen it to see what is going on, but Ben has blocked her. No!

_No, Ben! What is going on?_

When there is no reply, Rey forces herself to get up. She staggers to the freighter’s stock of medical supplies. She needs to patch herself up. Ben has not said a word about the life scan. It must have worked. If she is reading her surroundings right, she is already in the quarantine section of the dreadnought. For once, she will heed his advice and stay calm. If she headed out of this freighter right now in a reckless attempt to get to him, she would put herself in unnecessary danger. She will get some rest and stick to her plan. It is the best thing to do if she wants to maximize his chances of survival.

\--

Rey is waiting patiently in the waste chute while the freighter is being searched. It seems to take forever, but eventually the waste gets collected just as Finn had described. Rey sits between worn out equipment components, fissured sealing gaskets, greasy wires, plastic plates from stormtrooper armors and broken dishes, while a droid shoves the trash barrel around.

When the barrel stops, Rey opens the cover and peeks out. The corridor in front of the trash compactor is empty. Rey climbs out of the barrel, feeling rather stupid with all the packaging material and wrappers that cling to her clothes.

Something feels wrong. There is an emptiness about her surroundings that feels familiar, but she cannot really place it. The force … it feels as if it was gone …

“Stay where you are! Don’t move!”

Rey jumps and turns around to find herself facing a ridiculous amount of blasters. Phasma is at the front. So Phasma survived the Leadership?

A tall figure emerges from the body of stormtroopers. It is a ginger-haired man with an aura of importance around him that borders comicality. Rey does not feel like laughing though. This must be Hux. She got busted.

“Rey of Jakku. What an honor.” The redhead mocks her with a fake bow. “Nice shirt. True to the Jedi tradition of dressing in rags, I see.” He looks her up and down and lifts a brow.

Rey looks down on herself. After Han’s death, she had asked Leia if she might keep something that belonged to Han, a memento. Leia allowed her to search the Falcon and keep anything she liked. Her scavenger instincts led Rey straight to Han’s messy clothes cupboard, where she found an old V-collar shirt that smelled like adventures from a distant past. She decided to take it with her on this mission as a kind of mojo. It should remind her that it is possible to survive against all odds while playing by ear, just like Han used to do all the time. It was the only thing she found to dress with, after her own shirt had fallen prey to Ben’s hungry hands. Now it is stained with grease and the neck is askew, giving the tall man in front of her a glimpse of her bra. Rey blushes.

“Where’s Ben?” She still cannot feel him.

The man’s lips curl. “The filthy little Jedi slut has a thing for the fallen prince. Who would have thought. I’ve been wondering about that telltale smell of spunk in his cell. Seems like he found ways to pleasure himself despite your … absence.” He winks at her. Rey is not sure what he means.

She feels uncomfortable. Not because of this man’s behavior, but because of the emptiness around her. Rey closes her eyes, trying to feel _anything_.

The man’s wicked smile widens. “Force vacuum. My engineers were able to design a portable vacuum generator. All thanks to Kylo Ren’s most accurate notes. I understand that you were indeed the target he had in mind? Ironic, isn’t it.”

“You’re Hux.” The muscles in Rey’s face may betray her fear, but her voice is calm and controlled.

“ _Lord_ Hux, my dear. _I’m_ the Supreme Leader now.” Rey notices his need to stress this, betraying his insecurity. It reassures her that his predecessor is still alive. Hux seems to be aware that his current position is mere happenstance.

“You’re welcome,” Rey scoffs. Hux narrows his eyes at her. She can see how he tries to figure out her role in the bombing of the Leadership. Maybe he can be fooled into believing that she might be his ally?

“How did you know I was here?” Rey tries to convey the impression that she accepts her defeat.

“Hm, let’s see. Who else on this ship knew you were coming?” Hux makes it sound like a rhethorical question.

“He wouldn’t!” Rey bursts out before she can stop herself. Hux snorts. Her little misstep has told him all he needed to know about where her allegiances lie. Rey clenches her fist. All about this man is hilarious, from his ginger side-whiskers to his Arkanis accent. And yet, he radiates a certain, dangerous kind of perspicacity. She must not underestimate him.

“Why don’t we proceed to my office?” He flourishes his hand in an exaggerated gesture. Rey is unsure whether it is meant to mock her or just reflects his pomposity. She moves without protest. The stormtroopers follow them, sliding a weird black box along with them. Maybe this is the vacuum generator.

Rey follows Hux to a throne room that looks a lot like Snoke’s. “For real?” She looks around. The place is of bleak, industrial design. There are overlarge stairs, which seem to have no function. The throne is surrounded by a chasm and can only be entered via a narrow bridge. It is obvious how the design was inspired by Snoke’s throne room on the Supremacy, but at the same time, the hall emanates an air of trifle. The sense of order that has inspired the geometry is pathological. Rey starts to laugh. This is all a big joke. From Palpetine and Snoke to Kylo and Hux. Supreme Leaders are not half the sovereigns they used to be.

Hux is irritated by her laughter. Then he seems to remember himself. “I’m glad you enjoy my hospitality that much. Maybe you would enjoy it even more if you could share it with a friend?” He waves at one of the guards. Rey expects to see Ben. It fills her with hope. However, the prisoner who is escorted into the hall has a different complexion. Rey’s insides convulse.

“Finn!”


	29. Caught in the act

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux is a creep.

“No! Rey!” Finn struggles against his chains.

“What the hell are you doing here!” Rey cannot believe it. How did everything go up in smoke so quickly?

“I’m sorry, Rey! It’s all my fault. I followed you.” He looks down, guilty. "I thought I could aid you. I fucked up badly, Rey. It's all my fault."

"No, it’s ok. It was a stupid plan to begin with. I got caught anyway."

Hux just watches their conversation with a satisfied smile.

"No, Rey, you don't understand. It's my fault." Finn’s voice breaks.

"How?" Rey's tone is cool. She has become suspicious. Something has been going on.

"He brought me to Ben." Finn nods at Hux. Since when does Finn call him Ben? "Threatened to kill me."

Rey’s jaw drops. "Why would he think that Ben cares if you live or die?” She looks over to Hux.

The ginger creep has seated himself comfortably on the triangular throne. A pleased smile stretches across his face. “Because he loves you. Any fool can tell that a mile off. I’m no fool and nothing on this ship happens without my knowledge.” Rey becomes uneasy. Exactly how much does Hux know about what has been going on aboard his ship?

"Hux said he'd keep me alive if he received some valuable information for once." Finn’s account leads Rey’s thoughts back to the problems at hand. “Ben revealed that you were on the freighter in order to save my life, Rey.”

Rey needs some time to process this. She is sure that Ben would rather die than endanger her. If this is true, then he must have had a reason.

“So I wondered what would make Kylo Ren betray the arrival of his easy lay love interest.” Hux’ line of thinking seems to follow the same path. Rey frowns at being called an easy lay. “And as unlikely as it sounds, I think he did it for you. He saved your friend’s life. And he kept quiet about some information which I think maybe he knows _you_ would want him to hide more desperately. Isn’t that beautiful? Such a betrayal for love?”

Again, it strikes Rey that someone so hilarious could be so sharp. The side parting of ginger hair beneath the ridiculously symmetric triangular throne should house no more than a dwarf’s brain. Nevertheless, Hux’ conclusion is very reasonable. Ben gave Hux some valuable information without betraying the location of the resistance base. He must have done it for her, knowing that she would rather die herself than letting her friends die. Ironically, it is probably the most selfless thing that Ben has ever done. Rey has to swallow hard to suppress a tear.

“Ah, lovely, what a performance. Thank you all for playing your roles so well. This is most entertaining.” Hux behaves as if he was a childlike king watching puppetry. “Why don’t we invite a bigger audience?” He waves his arm to the guards again and another prisoner is led into the hall. This time, it is Ben. Rey is relieved. There was a chance that Finn would have been accompanied by Poe, because the two hardly ever part. Rey catches Finn’s eye and silently forms “Poe?” with her lips. Finn shakes his head, raises his cuffs and forms something with his lips that looks like “detention”.

“Uh uhh. No private conversations here.” Hux waves his hand and one of the guards whips Finn on the back with a huge electric lash. Rey winces when she watches Finn fall to the floor. He just gets up and puts on an indifferent face. “Don’t worry, it’s nothing.” Hux waves his hand again and the whip zooms down on Finn’s back again. This time, Finn stays on the floor for a while before he gets up.

“Stop it,” Ben orders the guard, after seeing Rey’s contorted face.

Hux is irritated by his commanding tone. “ _You_ will never again give orders to _my_ subordinates,” he hisses.

“We had a deal,” Ben answers coldly.

Hux’ eyes are gleaming. He is back in control. “Indeed. We agreed that I won’t _kill_ the chocolaty rebel scum today. I didn’t say I wouldn’t hurt him, but let’s not be nitpicky. What do I care about my chitchat from yesterday? New rules apply!”

Ben glares at him and Hux looks really frightened, as if he needs to remind himself that he is sitting on the throne while the former Supreme Leader is enchained by cuffs and force vacuum. “We’ll see if your squeeze values her friend that much. But first, I wonder if the scum knows what you two have been up to lately?”

Hux waves to one of the guards again. A screen is brought before them. It resembles Snoke’s oculus viewing scope, even though it is clearly an electronic device. Rey has learned not to laugh about Hux anymore.

She is devastatingly right to dread what the evil clown still has in store. A picture of Ben’s cell appears. Ben and Rey are lying naked on the bed. Bile rises in Rey’s throat when the pictures start to move. The scene on display is so intimate, so precious to her, so _private_. Of course, Hux had Ben under video surveillance. How could they have been so naïve?

On the screen, Rey's head is resting on Ben's naked chest. Her eyes are closed. Ben's arms are loosely wrapped around her. One hand is gently stroking her back up and down, while the other tenderly plays with her hair where her skull meets the back of her head. The stormtroopers cast stolen glances at the screen, while Finn pointedly looks away. Onscreen, Ben kisses Rey's head and tightens his embrace. A tear escapes the corner of his eye. Anyone who watches this can see how much he loves her. It is written all over his face. A part of Rey wishes that Hux had chosen a sex scene instead. This one is meant to shame Ben. It shall make him look weak. An enamored fool.

Ben looks into Hux' excited eyes. "You think this is a weakness?" Ben's cool and controlled voice even transports a triumphant undertone. "It's not. You thought I'd be ashamed. I'm not. You thought you could provoke my anger. But all I have for you is pity, because you are all alone."

Hux clutches the throne. "Maybe we should skip to another scene then. There is quite some explicit material there."

"Ah yeah?" Rey decides to join Ben's strategy. Hux' game relies on their shame. If they refuse to show how utterly embarrassing this whole affair is, he is going to lose. "Which part of your _material_ gets you off? Do you touch yourself at the picture of Ben's huge cock in my throat? Or are you more into the fingering bits?" Finn looks at Rey sideways. It is not like her to be so vulgar. Finn’s irritation is nothing in comparison to Hux’ though. Her strategy paid off.

Ben joins her. "I bet he dreams of me licking his asshole, before taking him roughly from behind." Hux is still lost for words, so Ben continues. "I bet he imagines me screaming his name. Uhhh, _Armitage_ , Supreme Leader, my Lord!" Rey thinks that Ben should stop or they are going to regret this, but he continues to mock the man who sits on the throne. “Mh, yes, _fuck_ , you’re so tight.”

"ENOUGH!" Hux bellows. He is on his feet. Ben falls silent and Hux recovers his composure, glaring at him. “You think your pathetic little drama qualifies as porn? I doubt that anyone in their right mind would want to see so many tears while they give themselves one off the wrist.”

Ben and Rey’s silence at this is telling. Finn casts Rey a sympathetic look.

“Mh.” Hux is back to his usual perfidious tone. “Looks like your java friend is not really surprised that you have been sleeping with the enemy.” Asshole.

“Let’s see how much he is worth to you.” Rey’s heart starts to beat faster. This was Hux’ endgame from the start. Embarrassing them was a form of entertainment, of celebrating his preliminary triumph, having them all tied up. Now he hopes to use them. A man like him in such a powerful position will only want one thing: more power. The only real threat to his position at this very moment is the resistance. And the three of them. He hopes to find the resistance before killing them all.

“I won’t save his life if he would not want me to.” Rey owes Finn the same kind of sacrifice that Ben has made for her.

“Is that true?” Hux seems not very pleased to hear this. After all, Ben had been quite cooperative. “You don’t even ask me what I want?”

“You want the location of the resistance. Once I tell you, you will kill us all. I don’t see what’s in there for me. You can as well start the killing right now.”

If Hux is surprised by the way Rey reads him, he hides it well. “Right. And wrong. I don’t intend to kill your loyal friend today. You see, I have a liking for pills.” Hux produces a round, green tablet.

Finn looks at Rey. “Rey, promise me that whatever this is, you will _not_ tell him anything that puts them in danger.” The grave look on Finn’s face reminds Rey that he has escaped Hux’ execution once today, which put Rey in danger. Finn is prepared to die for his mistake of following her. Is she prepared to let him die for it?

“I promise. Just know that you’re my best friend. I don’t blame you. I love you.” A tear escapes Rey’s eye.

“Ahhh, heartbreaking!” Hux fakes a snivel. “Rey, are you sure you want Finn to swallow this pill rather than telling me where I can find the resistance? I thought, since you started an affair with a darksider, maybe you would be selfish enough to put your beloved friend above the rest of the rebel scum.”

No, Rey thinks. She loves Poe, too. Even if she was selfish, she would not put Finn above them. And Finn would never forgive her if she did.

Finn addresses Hux. “Let’s get this over with. My unborn children are with the resistance. Rey knows that I would never forgive her if she betrayed them right now. So even if she was selfish, there would be no point. Just kill me. I’m tired of this.” Every inch of Rey’s body wants to scream. This is wrong. She is not prepared to lose Finn.

“Mh, good to know that you are so eager to die, because your death will be slow.” Hux marvels at the pill. “This one is a special treat.” Hux says it as if he was speaking to little children. What a creep! “It contains a radioactive substance that will give you a cureless form of cancer. You will live long enough to see your children’s birth, maybe you will even witness their first step or the first time they call you “dad”, but you will definitely miss their first day at school.” There is a triumphant smile on Hux’ face. Rey’s fists clench. She hates Hux. Even in the force vacuum, she can feel how her dark side becomes stronger the longer Hux’ perfidious game continues.

Hux waves at the guards and they bring Finn before the throne, where they push him down on his knees.

“Open your mouth.”


	30. Someone has to die (Part V: Nightfall)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hux is not bluffing, but he made a mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings before Part 5!!!  
> If you think that part 4 was bad, be warned that part 5 is going to be worse. There will be cruel forms of violence, abuse, and a lot of death.  
> I don't want to wrong-foot any readers who have stayed with me so far, but I don't want to spoiler you against your will either. So I'm gonna do the following: The end notes of every chapter will list all the bad stuff that occurs, so you can scroll down beforehand and decide whether you want to read the chapter at all. Chapter summaries will wrap up content of the preceding chapter à la “What happened so far”. So if you decide to skip a particular episode, you will still be able to follow the plot.   
> I'm not writing bad stuff for pure entertainment. It's all leading somewhere and I highly recommend that you just face it and slightly give in to your dark side, especially if you’re rooting for a twisted ship like Reylo.

"No!" Rey cannot believe it. This isn't real. This cannot be happening.

Hux places the green pill in Finn's mouth. "Swallow."

Finn obeys.

Rey feels as if she is passing out. She is pulled into the darkness. There is no space inside her for good anymore. Only hatred.

Hux dismisses Finn with a wave of his hand, looking at Rey. "Ahh, now _that's_ what I've been waiting for. Hatred and despair.” He takes a deep breath. “Smells good.” He waves at his lackeys once more. “I think I’ve got something that you would really like to use now.” A guard appears with Rey’s staff. “We found it in the waste chute of your freighter.” Rey is perplexed. Her staff did not fit into the trash barrel, so she had to leave it behind. Why would Hux allow such a dangerous weapon near him?

"Focus on your anger, Rey." Ben's voice is luring her back to the darkness. "Focus on it and kill him."

Rey looks at Ben. He is right. She must focus on her hatred. She might stand a chance at killing Hux with her staff. It’s all she wants to do right now. Kill the clown.

"It won't help you in here, child." Hux seems delighted. "Force vacuum, remember? I mean, I guess you could still swing it at my head if I didn’t have guards, but without the lightsaber function, it’s just a lousy quarterstaff in the end." Rey does not understand why Hux thinks the force vacuum would influence the staff. She looks to Ben for an explanation.

"See, Hux confiscated my lightsaber and played around with it, but since he is not sensitive to the force, it would only serve him as an Analdildo." Hux waves to the guard with the whiplash. The strike is so severe that Ben falls to the ground and stays there, but he smiles at Rey. His hair hides his sly grin from Hux.

At once, she knows what this is all about. _Ben’s lightsaber doesn’t have a switch!_ Rey turned it on with the force when she ignited it in Snoke’s throne room. She didn’t notice the lack of a switch. That’s brilliant! Hux wouldn’t know that usually, lightsabers _do_ have a switch. She carefully hid the mechanism when she built it, but Rey’s staff _can_ be powered without the force.

Rey walks over to the guard who holds her staff and stretches out her hand. “May I?” The guard hesitates and Rey looks over to Hux. “Are you afraid that a scavenger slut is going to strike you down with nothing but a matchstick?”

Hux narrows his eyes. “You want to go with the illusion of putting up a fight? Alright, I honor that. Come here. Bring your staff.” Rey takes it and walks towards the throne. When she crosses the narrow bridge, she notices how she would usually suffer from vertigo at the sight of the endlessness underneath. The chasm does not have a bottom. There must be some form of window in the hull on the opposite side, because it looks like one might just fall into space. Re feels no vertigo. She feels nothing. The chasm just reflects her own, inner emptiness. All she focuses on is her quest. Hux must die for what he did to Finn.

"It's still a good weapon." She shifts the staff in her hand as if she was contemplating her next move. “Balanced and wieldy.”

Hux takes the bait. "You wouldn’t stand a chance, child." He allows her to come even closer. Rey climbs the last step on the stairs. After all that Hux has seen through today, Rey cannot quite believe that it should be so easy to fool him in the end. She has reached a position where she cannot reach him with the staff, but the saber end would nicely cut his throat.

Rey envisions it. How her saber would cut through his pale, freckled skin near his Adam’s apple, until it would sear his flesh. Then it would continue through his trachea, before also cutting through his esophagus. Finally, it would cap the carotid artery and the jugular vein, resulting in a spout of blood, until the plasma would cut his cervical vertebra and his spine. Chopping his spinal cord would finally efface his self. Wouldn’t that be sweet?

There is only one thing that is holding Rey back. "Is there a cure?" If Hux was bluffing, she would terminate her chance at curing Finn.

Hux grins. "I'm not a liar. I promised your lover that I would not kill the deserted stormtrooper _today_ , but within the next three years, your friend will die. It's certain." Wrong answer.

Rey lights her staff. In one forceful wield, she beheads Hux. It is fast, much faster than he deserves. Rey marvels at the sight of the neck's cross section where a fountain of blood rises, until the nearest guards have reached her. The fighting has begun. Rey can taste blood in the air. She is hungry.

“Rey!” Ben shouts at her. She turns around, dodging the first punch. Ben has strangled three of his guards with his chains and made his way to the black box. The generator! Rey throws her staff like a javelin and it flies into Ben’s hands. He ignites it. The force is back, but it is not the kind of force Rey is accustomed to. It is the dark side. The feeling is amazing!

With mere flicks of her hand, Rey breaks her attackers’ necks. One by one, they fall to the floor. When her life is not in immediate danger anymore, she moves on to a slower method of killing, delightfully squeezing their throats the way she would have liked to kill Hux. It is a pleasure to see it in their eyes when the life drains off. It is pure, raw power. She was powerless earlier when she could not protect Finn, but now, with the force, she is a demon goddess who decides about life and death. And her choice is death. Everyone who supported Hux, everyone who obeyed his orders, everyone who dared to look at that screen must die! Rey gains experience with choking them slowly. She can feel their pain through the force. Nothing has ever felt so sweet.

\---

Ultimately, no one is left to kill. There are only Finn and Ben, staring at Rey. “I want to conquer the whole ship,” she announces.

Finn shakes his head. “It’s enough to take over the bridge.” Rey reaches out with the force. She can feel that the slow process of decay in Finn’s body has already begun. Hux was not bluffing. Finn is going to die. If Rey allowed herself the thinnest ray of light right now, she would break down.

“You stay here.” Finn would be a nuisance. A reminder of the light. Rey wants to enjoy the darkness.

“No, Rey! I can fight. I’m as good as dead. Let me be of use for once.” Rey knows exactly what kind of use he has in mind. He wants to be her conscience.

Rey does not need a conscience. “You stay.” She summons him and cuffs him to the throne. “You will survive this and tell Rose yourself that I had no part in your stupid suicide mission.” Finn narrows his eyes. He wants to say something, but when he sees the look in Rey’s eyes, he swallows it. Good. Rey might be tempted to tell him how everything is his fault, even though she does not feel sorry. The darkness is great.

Rey leaves Finn and turns to the dark-haired man who has been watching her silently for a while now. “I don’t want to conquer the ship with Ben Solo. I want Kylo Ren.”

He shakes his head. "No, Rey, this is not you.”

“I don’t need your light right now! I want your dark alter ego. Go and find him for me, or I’ll cuff you to the throne, too.”

He closes his eyes and sighs, before he searches her face. “Alright. I’ll be the monster for you, for now, but we’ll only head to the bridge. You will need to let the light back in eventually. It’s gonna hurt.”

Rey supposes that it does not matter. Nothing matters anymore. There will be plenty of stormtroopers to kill on the way to the bridge. Plenty of lives to take in revenge for Finn’s. Plenty of souls to torture in order to reflect the torture that has been done to her soul.

Kylo hands Rey her staff and reaches for his lightsaber, which has been waiting for him in Hux’ coat pocket. He looks at her with a wicked grin. “I saw some of the guards outside with force pikes. One even had a Bilari electro-chain whip. Hux must have told them to stay outside no matter what. Stupid fools. That’s gonna be so much fun.”

Rey takes his gloved hand. “Let’s have some fun then.” She is full of bloodlust.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bad stuff that happened in this chapter:   
> Finn swallowed the pill and it wasn’t a bluff.   
> Rey envisioned Hux’ decapitation with a detailed anatomic description.  
> Rey turned dark and started to kill for pleasure. She asked Ben to join her as Kylo Ren.


	31. Sweet slaughter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened so far: Hux poisoned Finn. He showed Rey that he found her staff, thinking that it would not work in force vacuum. Rey beheaded Hux. Ben destroyed the vacuum generator. In her grief, Rey turned to the dark side of the force. Ben joined her as Kylo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's such a short chapter, but it's so worth it!

It feels weird to be Kylo Ren again. He knows it's wrong. It's very wrong, but how could he deny her? If this is what she needs him to be right now, he'll be dark for her.

He cannot deny that he missed it. Killing for sport. Taking lives without a second thought. He has not indulged in it much since his mother's death. No, actually until today, he had not caused _anyone_ else's death after Leia’s. The taste of blood after five months of abstinence is thrilling. And wow, his girl is _hot_ when she kills. He knows he should not admire her yellow eyes when she takes a life, but they are fucking sexy. The fighting is just a prelude for him. He wants to fuck her. He wants to get down on his knees and worship his dark goddess. He wants to please her with his tongue until she screams. He wants to eat her out. These guards stand between him and his desire. For now, while he cannot have her yet, he'll burn holes into them.

It feels as if they're back in Snoke’s throne room, when he had killed Snoke for her and hoped she would be his companion. He thought that together they would carve out a new future for the galaxy, because who was there to stop them? Now he gets a glimpse of what that might have looked like. Fighting side by side with his dark queen. He had buried this fantasy deep inside of him when he understood that this just wasn't her, that he would have to love her in the light, that _he_ would have to change for _her_. But she changed for him, too. He has never seen her so dark, so bloodthirsty, so beautiful. She has a thing for throats. Rey does not stab the guards, she beheads them. Even when they're on the ground already, raising their arms in surrender. He knows it's wrong, but the way she makes sure that every head gets neatly separated from the body makes him feel proud of her.

They take down the guards one by one. There aren’t many, but they’re skilled. Probably they are Hux’ version of Praetorians. Kylo and Rey fight side by side in the beginning, but the guards make sure to split them up.

Soon Rey’s face is covered with blood splatters. The sight of it turns him on even more. He wants to kiss her and get a taste of all the lives she already took today, but the damn guard with the whip is skilled. Kylo needs to concentrate on his footing. Rey is having trouble with another guard who is wielding a giant electro hatched, but Kylo cannot help her while he is busy with the buzzing chain.

He finally strangles the guard with his own whip. The asphyxation takes unnervingly long due to the heavy armor and it looks like Rey has lost her duel. The hatched cuts through her staff and the guard already raises his ventail in triumph. Kylo smiles. Too soon, bud. Rey is still holding on to the larger fragment of her staff. She angles it to point at the guard's face. It ignites. He knew it!

"You're full of surprises." Kylo lets go of the guard he just strangled with that guy’s own whip and marvels at the hole that gapes in the unmasked face of Rey's victim. So he was right. Rey's staff featured two independent lightsabers. He has suspected that since he first saw her wield the staff at him on Undor. Clever girl.

They're done. All guards are on the floor, most of them headless. Kylo walks toward her, kicking a head out of his way. She looks so stained, so delicious. This is what he wanted to do in Snoke’s throne room already. Rip off her bloodstained clothes and defile the dead in a heretic act of regardless sexual intercourse on the battlefield.

Rey looks around, eager for more and disappointed that this fight is already over. He raises his hand to her face and wipes a drop of blood from her cheek with his thumb. He tastes it. "Mhh." His thumb taste like taken lives. Kylo leads his hand back to her cheek and smears the blood with his whole palm. Her eyes find his and her disappointment is replaced by excitement.

He wants to taste more of her. Kylo wants to have her, to possess her right now, right here amidst the bloodbath. He reads her body with the force to see if it is ready for him. It is. Force, she is hungry for him.

Rey raises a brow. She must know that he felt her arousal. He has never read her like this. It does not look as though she minds right now. He leads his bloodsmeared hand into her hair and pulls her head to his mouth. There are small droplets of blood on her lips, too, and he licks them away before he forces her mouth open with his tongue. She bites his lower lip. Hard. Kylo withdraws and licks it. It bleeds. Her behavior is so much at odds with her normal, tender self. He loves her like this all the same.

His lips find hers again and he walks forwards, pressing his body and his solid erection against her center, forcing her to move backwards until she is trapped between him and the wall. He likes to have her cornered like this. He likes to show her that he’s got her. That he won’t let her go. No matter what. He raises one of her legs up to straddle him and shoves his other hand under her tunic. Stars, he loves her breasts. He loves all of her. He loves her in the light and in the dark.

Just when Kylo kneels down so he can take off her leggings, he hears footsteps. It is the unmistakable sound of strompmtroopers marching in step. He growls. His fantasies of fucking her on the boneyard will have to wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bad stuff summary: We were in Kylo's mind and saw how he got sexually aroused by: witnessing Rey beheading the guards, seeing and tasting blood on Rey's face, and the idea of fucking her in the middle of the dead bodies.


	32. Dark trip 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously: Rey and Kylo took down the guards in front of Hux’ throne room. Rey’s staff broke in two pieces, but the lightsaber ends still work.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I shouldn’t be enjoying this so much. It’s quite a kinky chapter again. Check notes at the end for possibly unsettling content!

Rey has completely given in to her Dark Side. She is _hungry_. Knocking the stormtroopers out is not enough for her anymore. She starts to do it painfully. She gives them ugly wounds or inflicts irreparable damage to their bones, which is bound to cripple them. If Kylo insists that they only make their way to the bridge, she should better make it worth her while. She could still use the pieces of her staff, but she has resolved to killing the stormtroopers with her bare hands again. It’s so straightforward, so pure, to end a life with your bare hands.

The next corridor is almost deserted. There are only two stormtroopers there, a man and a woman. Rey gets new ideas about how to make them hurt. She stops and looks at Kylo. “Why don’t we rest here for a second and have some fun with these two?”

Kylo looks at her with growing fascination. He is intrigued by her darkness. She freezes the two stormtroopers.

“Take off your helmets!” Rey looks them up and down. She would like them to entertain her. “What’s your favorite dirty game?” she asks the man. He is tall, blonde and actually quite handsome. He does not reply. Rey stretches out her arm. “Would have been easier for you if you had just told me.” She searches his mind. Rey is not as skilled in this as Kylo, but she finds what she is looking for. Shame radiates around a picture in the head, where one is looking down on the dark hair of a woman who swallows a cock. A hand goes to the dark hair and pushes the head. The woman chokes. Rey has seen enough. She does not need the complete memory. She wants to watch something real. “I see. Take off your armor, too,” she demands. The stormtrooper whimpers.

“Please, no. Just kill me.” Killing him? No, that’s boring. Rey grows impatient. The armor is unpractical. Rey just tears it off, ripping it apart with the force.

“Rey, where is this heading?” The soft voice of Ben Solo is annoying. She told him to leave the boy behind. She is only interested in the monster.

“Just relax and enjoy the show.” The stormtrooper is completely naked. He trembles. The woman looks at Rey with panic in her large brown eyes. Her complexion is dark and her hair is curly.

“Get on your knees.” Rey walks closer to the pair in order to get a plain view. “Now suck his dick.”

The stormtrooper becomes hard at the thought despite his disgust with what is unfolding. A tear rolls down his cheek.

The woman’s face is expressionless. “Smile,” Rey demands. The woman does not react. “I said, _smile_.” The corners of the woman’s mouth lift with a little help from the force. Rey is satisfied. “Now massage his balls with your right hand.” The woman reluctantly obeys. The handsome man involuntarily closes his eyes.

“Look at her!” The stormtrooper opens his eyes again.

“Now take your right hand to the bottom of his shaft and start to rub it. Take the head in your mouth and lick it with your tongue.” The sight of it arouses Rey. She walks over to Kylo, who has stayed back, and leans her back against his chest so that they can both watch.

“Take him in deeper,” Rey demands while she leads Kylos hand under her shirt so that it cups her breast. She is already wet. This is gonna be a pleasant day. Kylo spins her around and leads one of his hands down under her shirt and into her leggings, until it cups her butt cheek. He presses her against him, but he is not hard. Maybe Rey has to rearrange the show for something that turns him on?

When she turns around to try something else, the stormtroopers are gone.

“You let them go!?” No! She had so many exciting plans for them. Well, she will have to content herself with Kylo for now.

Kylo streaks some hair out of her face. "Let's just make our way to the bridge."

Rey is disappointed. Why didn't he enjoy abusing the stormtroopers like she did? There's still too much of Ben in him!

Or maybe not? He bites her earlobe. "I want to fuck you on Hux' desk, in the middle of all the stormtroopers we're gonna kill." So his fantasies are different from hers, but they _are_ kinky.

\---

They arrive at the bridge and Rey eagerly starts to choke stormtroopers and officers at random while Kylo freezes all the blaster shots that zoom their way. It's so satisfying. The bridge is full of people. Probably there was an emergency meeting going on. The more the merrier!

After she has killed about a dozen, everyone in the room suddenly freezes. Rey turns around to look at Kylo. Like this it would be too easy. There is no fun when they don't struggle. Rey enjoys it most when they still hope to get away with their lives by some miracle.

"Rey!" His eyes are so hungry. He looks like a predator, ready to take her for a snack. "You look so delicious when you kill. I can't wait for you to choke them all. I need you to take a break right now, because I need to fuck you." Rey can see in his eyes that he is deadly serious. She would rather proceed with her massacre, because no matter how many lives are on her, she is never satisfied. It is tempting to refuse him, make him crave her, but her body is needy, too, and the desire she can see in his eyes is mirrored by her nether regions. Impulse control is not her strong suit right now. Once she thinks about it, she does want to fuck him, too. On her terms though. Rey summons a swivel chair and kicks it into Kylo's knees from behind, forcing him to sit. She kneels in front of him and starts to undo his buttons.

"Wow Rey, I like your line of thinking, but we should do something about the spectators." Oh, well, probably after today, it is rational to mind that they've got an audience? Rey moves her hand. All the frozen figures fall to the floor. Problem solved. Kylo stares at her. Damn, he's really on heat.

Rey had never paid much attention to the wound in his abdomen where a splinter had hit him on the Leadership, but now she realizes that it has started to fester. It hits her that Ben never got an opportunity to treat it properly. He was in a system of swamp planets without civilization. Then he was aboard a smugglers’ ship. Finally, he ended up in Hux’ prison cell. Rey can feel pity lurking beneath the surface. Compassion for Ben. If she gives in to it now and insists that they go to the med bay, the light will crush her. She is not ready yet. She does not have to be. Kylo Ren is staring at her with hungry, apprehensive eyes.

“This needs to be treated.” Her voice is cool.

“It’s nothing.”

“It festers. You must be in pain.” Rey presses a finger on the wound. Kylo flinches, but he holds her gaze.

“I don’t mind pain. It makes me strong.” He grabs her wrist and presses her hand into the wound, still looking at her. He does not blink. His cock is twitching beneath his trousers. Rey is impressed that he is still aroused. This pain would probably be enough to make any normal man pass out. He is not a normal man, though. He is a monster after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter featured:  
> • Rey forcing two stormtroopers to engage in sexual activity (blow job)  
> • Rey choking people at random and Kylo getting high on the sight of it  
> • A festering wound in Ben’s/Kylo’s abdomen


	33. Dark trip 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Where did we break off? Rey and Kylo made their way to the bridge. Kylo interrupted Rey’s massacre to please his needs. Undressing him, Rey discovered that his injury from the leadership has not healed. She decides to ignore it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, mind end notes, because there is unorthodox explicit content ahead!

Rey pushes the light away again. She does not want to think about pain right now. She wants to revel in the darkness. She wants to toy with the monster she has tamed. Rey wants to have fun. She is not interested in her conscience telling her that what she has done for her fun is unforgivable.

Kylo places his hand under her jaw and raises her chin. “Do you want to stop?” No, she doesn’t. She is done with contemplating. Rey does not respond and just frees his hard erection. It is beautiful. Proud and big. Her cunt is very hungry for it, but she wants to get a taste first. No teasing this time. Rey wraps her lips around it and lowers her head, enveloping his throbbing length with her whole mouth. He arches into the chair, uttering a pathetic moan. Rey smiles and starts to move her head up and down. She savors the control that she has over him.

A new thought intrigues her. Could she make him come at her will? Rey starts to suck. He responds with raising his hips, seeking her mouth. Rey places a hand on his thigh to keep him down. She lets his member pop out of her mouth and looks up at him. His cock twitches at the unwanted loss of contact and humid warmth. “Relax,” she whispers, casting him a seductive smile. Rey leads her hand from his thigh to his balls and starts to massage them. Kylo’s head falls back. His fingers clutch the armrests so firmly that he leaves dents in the metal. Rey takes pride in the control she has over him right now. She plays her tongue around the head of his cock. He’s dripping. Rey licks it up. She wants him to come now. Rey disables her gag reflex with the force and slides her mouth and throat around him until he is completely covered.

“No!” He shouts and pulls at her hair. “Not yet.” He is on his feet and drags her along to the table next to the control panel. Rey does not protest. He has never been rough with her like this. She enjoys it. He presses her into the table and makes her lie on her back. Then he bends up her legs. One hand holds them in place above her, the other pulls at her waistband to give him access to her, and then he thrusts into her. It has never been so rough, so thoughtless. Rey had not realized how much her body craved being used like this. Her position, legs bent up and held together by her leggings, makes her feel the intrusion with unknown intensity. She screams. It is a mixture of pain and joy. She could not tell which one is dominant. Her screams are echoed by his, and she can feel that he is close. Rey is so ready to receive his seed, but he pulls out the last moment, leaving Rey confused, disappointed, and annoyingly empty. She looks up to find him shoot his cum at the controls, dispensing it carefully all over the place. Rey sits up and raises a brow at him.

He produces a wicked grin. “Marked my territory.” He marvels at the sight of his fluid on the control panels.

Then he comes closer to her and starts to free her of her clothes, whispering in her ear. “Don’t worry, I know you’re not done yet.”

When she is all naked, he drags her down to the floor and makes her lie on her front. Rey struggles, but he sits on top of her and bends her arms on her back. He starts to finger her and Rey stills.

“Mh, you like that, don’t you?” His movements become faster.

“I like your cock more.” His fingers cannot compensate her for the emptiness he left when he pulled out.

“I know, love, we’ll get back to that in a bit. Let me see what I can do for you until then.” His fingers leave her cunt and start to explore her intimate body parts, smearing her body juices all over her, from her clit to her asshole. She can feel him read her with the force again.

He snorts, seemingly surprised. “We can try this if you like.” It takes Rey some time to realize what he is referring to. She did not even know herself that this was something she wanted, but she can feel her excitement build when he starts to circle her asshole with a finger that is coated in her fluids. It is something perverted, something that is not supposed to be, and she is curious about it. He lies down next to her and whispers in her ear again. “Relax.” His finger pushes her open. It feels wrong, and Rey’s muscles want to protest, but his presence against her body comforts her and she obeys, granting him access to where no one is supposed to enter. He has undressed completely and Rey can feel his chest moving against her back when he draws a sharp breath.

“I’m gonna push in deeper. This may be painful. Try not to fight it. Try to relax.” Rey can feel his finger proceed down her gut. She has an unwanted association with being in a bathroom. It is embarrassing. The finger stills. “Don’t worry about it. Just allow it to happen.” Rey can feel something hard against her thigh. If he thinks this is erotic, she should stop worrying about embarrassing herself.

“Go on,” she urges him. He slowly retrieves his finger and places his thumb at her hole instead, entering her cunt with two other fingers at the same time. Rey likes the stimulus around her vagina, but his thumb is rough and scratches her sensitive skin.

“Okay, we skip that.” He takes back his thumb. “Do you really want to try?” Rey barely nods. She knows that he is still reading her. She is not sure whether she is ready for it, but she desperately wants to find out.

Kylo presses his cock against her vagina, coating it in her body fluids. Then he positions himself over her butthole. The pressure of his cock against her butt hurts. It is much broader than the finger. Rey thinks that it could never fit in. Kylo retreats and starts to kiss her hole. He coaxes her open with his tongue. It is a pleasant sensation and Rey allows herself to relax into it. Then his cock is back, now soaked in a mix of saliva, her vaginal fluids and his precum. He forces himself into her. Rey lets out a moan. It is rather due to pain than to pleasure. “Relax, Rey.” He whispers into her ear again. She can feel his chest trembling against her back. His heart is beating fast, but he patiently waits for her muscles to relax. This must cost him a lot of self-restraint. When her tension eases, he slowly pushes into her more deeply. Rey thought that the worst was over after he had entered her, but now a different sort of pain hits her. It is deeper inside of her, somewhere where people are not supposed to hurt.

“We can stop this anytime,” he informs her. Rey does not even know why she is doing this anymore. What did she hope to get out of this? But then he slides a hand under her and starts to gently stimulate her clit. She moans again, but this time it is from pleasure. The muscles in her butt tremble around his cock. It is a different kind of fullness she feels there, but it is gratifying nevertheless.

“Move,” she entreats him. He starts to softly move out a bit and back in. It feels good. Rey relaxes around him. She can feel fingers filling the void in her vagina. _Force, yes!_ She didn’t know so many parts of her could be pleasured at once. She wants _more_. “Fuck me.”

His fingers start to move in her. This must be an uncomfortable position for him. It is not what she meant anyway. “Your cock. Use it. Fill me. Use me.” He whimpers at that. His self-restraint is wavering. Rey starts to groan obscenely with every thrust.

“I can’t believe that you like this. Mh!” He seems genuinely surprised.

“Give me more,” she shouts. “Give me your seed!” _Stars,_ she wants this!

“In there?!” He breathes hard.

“Read me!” Rey does not mean for him to read her body through the force. She invites him into her mind and shows him her lust.

“Oh my, Rey! Uhhh” He opens his mind and shows her how it feels to release himself into her tightness.

This is the most wanton experience Rey has ever had. Abusing the traders, coming apart in his hands, nothing compares to the way she clenches around his fingers and his leaking cock right now.

It is as satisfying as it is hollow. This time, there will be no afterglow. Just regret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter consisted of:  
> • a blow job with inappropriate use of the force, followed by some rough sex  
> • a rather detailed and unsanitized description of anal play and anal intercourse


	34. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What’s been going on? Rey silenced everyone on the bridge, so they could focus on their needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A crucial chapter which just couldn't wait. Archive warning ahead.

Kylo gets up. Very slowly, he removes his penis. It is still very hard. He wants her to hurt as little as possible. Removing is the hardest part. He knows that, so he tries to be as gentle as possible, taking his time, waiting for her to relax every time she tenses.

Kylo is painfully reminded of encounters with Snoke. His former master had had a thing for abuse. Any kind of abuse, but this was always the most subtle and yet the most consumptive form. Snoke must have had a vision, Kylo thinks as he walks around the dead bodies on the bridge. Only now does he fully realize that they are all dead. He refuses to think about the dead bodies just now, but then his thoughts circle back to Snoke and his obsession with “curing” Kylo from any physical desire for women. Yes, a vision about him and Rey would explain why Snoke would have him masturbate in front of him regularly. If Snoke had just had a thing for men, there would have been a whole ship at his disposal. It seemed like Snoke just wanted Kylo to empty himself on a regular basis. However, occasionally Snoke would get carried away and press his ugly wrinkled penis against his butt.

There is a bathroom nearby and Kylo walks over to the sink to clean himself, miserably remembering the first time the old dickhead had penetrated him. He should have killed him right there, when the ancient bastard was spent and satisfied. Kylo muses that he might have had a chance if not for that painful outro. Just when Kylo had thought that he could not sink any lower, having had to come with the old bastard's dick inside him, it was its removal that had caused Kylo an insufferable pain unlike any other before. His butt had cramped, sore from what had come before. Kylo had winced in a way he had been convinced to have overcome after surviving all the other forms of torture his master had used on him. It was the only time that Snoke had shown Kylo appreciation.

Remembering this, Kylo suddenly feels very sick. He should bury these memories back deep in his subconscious where they belong. He looks down on himself and finds that he has scrubbed his dick sore. Damn, Snoke has been dead for two years now and this still occasionally happens. He had tried so hard to put the pieces back together once Snoke was gone. Sometimes though it seems that he is just too broken, too damaged.

He looks into the mirror. There is no Kylo there. Kylo had always been an illusion. Just broken Ben looks back at him with tired eyes.

"You've hurt her," the mirror seems to say.

"She liked it," he answers. "She asked for more. She came ...".

"No, her dark alter ego liked it. When she comes back to her senses, she is gonna hate you, man."

He groans. It is time to go back to her and face the damage he has caused. He grabs a towel and binds it around his waist.

\---

Rey hasn't moved from the spot where he left her. It is as bad as he expected. Rey sits, with her arms wrapped around her knees, trembling.

"Rey?" he asks tentatively, touching her forearm.

"Don't touch me!" she snaps, pushing his hand away with an outburst of force. Ben is caught off guard. He is sent flying a few meters, landing on a dead stormtrooper. Rey follows him with her eyes, perplexed.

“Sorry” she whispers, her eyes darting between him and the dead body. “Are they all dead?” she looks into his eyes as if waiting for him to deny it. He just nods. For a moment he is relieved. She may not hurt too badly if she is able to worry about dead stormtroopers.

“You made me kill them.”

All his relief is drained from him and suddenly he wishes they actually _were_ discussing physical wounds. He does not respond. He did not mean for her to kill them, but he also did not mind then. Worse, he did not stop her. He even _enjoyed_  watching her do it.

“I should have stopped you. I’m sorry.” He approaches her and touches her arm again, determined not to allow her push him away again. Rey does not even protest this time. She is gazing into nothingness.

“Let’s get you out of here.” Ben gently puts an arm around her back and the other beneath her knees. Then he lifts her up. He is surprised how light she feels in his arms. His poor, broken girl. _He_ broke her. He had sworn to himself to protect her from the darkness. He failed.

The corridors are empty and it feels like they are on a ghost ship. The Galactica is just like any other dreadnought. There are efficiency gains from standardized manufacturing. His personal passe-partout code still works. Obviously, Hux never even bothered to deactivate it. Ben lets himself in on the Supreme Leader’s quarters. It wreaks of Hux. He puts Rey down on the floor of the bathroom. Ben realizes that it is luxurious. Hux had a wellness oasis built into his quarters. Ben snorts.

Rey does not move and she has started to tremble again. Ben turns the water on and patiently sets a comfortable temperature and mild pressure before he starts to run the water over her crouched body. He softly caresses her head.

“Rey, you have to get up so I can clean you.” She does not move.

“I cannot be cleaned.” Her reply is absent-minded, as if she is talking to herself.

“You can get up for a start.” He pulls her upper arm until she stands. There is no resistance from her. She merely complies. Her eyes face the opposite wall of the spacious shower cabin.

Ben takes soap from the shelf and rubs it between his hands until it foams. Then he starts to soap her body. Her neck, her arms, her armpits, her breasts …

Under different circumstances, this would make him ache with want. It is like a liquid dream turned into a nightmare. He does not dare to look into her empty eyes, so he just keeps putting soap on her body as if it was the most important thing in the world to get this right. It _is_ the only thing he can do for her right now. She does not even flinch when he draws near her sensible body parts, rubbing away the body liquids from her inner thighs. He spares the regions around her entrances lest they are sore, and only cleans them superficially with water and gentle fingers.

“I did it for my own pleasure,” Rey wonders. “They were a nuisance, so I ended them.”

Ben gets up to face her. “I shouldn’t have let it happen. I failed you. Again. I’m so sorry. I wish I could tell you that you’ll get over it, after a while. It would be a lie. Every life you ever take will stay with you to haunt you.” It looks as if she is not even listening. He cups her face.

“Rey, I know you want to drown in your despair, but right now, we need to finish this. We have to contact the resistance. _You_ have to speak to them. So I need you to put yourself together now and summon your best fake smile, or they will not believe that we were victorious.”

“Victorious? I feel … defeated.” Then she faces him, frowning, angry even. At least it is a facial expression. “And I’ve never faked a smile.”

“You did. You tricked me on the Leadership, remember? You lied to me. _I missed you, too_. And then, you put on this most extraordinary smile. It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.”

“I didn’t lie. And the smile wasn’t fake, it just wasn’t for you. I recalled a happy memory.”

“Can you do that again?”

“At the moment I’m not sure I will ever feel happy again.” Rey is back to staring at the opposite wall. Ben sighs. He needs to distract her, get her out of her circular thoughts.

“What was the memory you recalled?”

Rey does not react for a while, but then she speaks. “It was Rose telling Finn that she is pregnant.” Her eyes are still facing the walls but Ben can see the muscles on her face work. He is almost there …

“Good! Now how about the memory of the twins? Can you produce a smile for them? For their future? Rey, this is our chance, this is our one shot at making peace for the whole galaxy. You cannot save the stormtroopers on the bridge with your grieve, but you can give the twins a future if you manage to hide it now. I’m not asking you to forget, Rey. Just focus on the task at hand for now.”

It seems to work. Rey is not facing the wall anymore. There is resolution on her face, purpose.

Time to make some calls.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was about:  
> • Kylo’s recollection of Snoke abusing him  
> • Rey in a state of traumatic shock after killing everyone on the bridge


	35. Coping

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After getting high on dark activities, Rey's landing was hard. Ben reminded her that she needs to pull herself together for now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings. This is a chapter without much to digest for a change. Everyone, draw a deep breath before the ending!

She forces herself to function. Rey dries herself and allows Ben to choose some clothes for her. She tries to ignore the unbidden pieces of memory that keep flashing before her eyes. It feels as if they were someone else’s memories, but she knows them to be hers. She did all that. She would really like to lean on Ben, to fall apart in his arms, which he so readily offers, but she knows he is part of the disease and not the cure.

Rey looks into the mirror. The clothes she is wearing look like what stormtroopers wear under their armor. Rey sees her face turn white. “I forced her to suck his dick!”

She can barely contain the sudden urge to throw up before she reaches the toilet. Rey is dimly aware of Ben following her. He gently pulls her hair back while Rey empties her stomach. Then he produces her tie and binds it. She can feel his hand on her back. He tentatively strokes it up and down. She wants to give in to his comfort. He had had no part in this particular scene. Rey leans into him and allows him to hold her for a brief moment. Then she gets up to clean her face. He stays on the floor, watching her with sad eyes.

Rey looks at him through the mirror. “Why did you stop me there?” She knows what she wants to hear. She wants him to tell her that he knew it was wrong, but she already knows that he did not stop her later, when she murdered a room full of defenseless souls. If he knew what is right and what is wrong, they would not be here in the first place.

“What do you want me to say, Rey? I’d say anything to soothe you.”

“How about the truth?”

He looks away from her. “The truth is, I didn’t do it because I cared about them. I didn’t do it because I cared about how you would feel about it later, either.” He shakes his head and lets it fall back against the wall. He closes his eyes. “I did it because it turned me off. This … this is something that should happen with consent on all sides.”

Rey realizes that her actions in that scene not only tortured the involved stormtroopers. Unknowingly, she tortured _him_ , too. It does not make her hate him any less. It is just a reminder that they are both broken, damaged souls. You cannot take the fragmentary shards of two broken bowls and expect to make one whole out of it.

Rey sits down next to Ben on the floor. “I’m sore.” She is not really referring to her body and he knows.

“Would you let your friend help you?” He sounds as if he has to force himself to say it. Rey does not understand right away that ‘friend’ is not referring to himself. She had completely forgotten about Finn.

Rey groans. “I can’t tell him what I did.”

“I can do it for you.”

Rey looks into his eyes. Ben is not sorry for what has happened to the people on this ship. Rey can see in his eyes that all he is concerned about is her miserable state right now. He wishes he had prevented it for _her_ sake, not for anyone else’s. A tear runs down her face. He _is_ a psychopath.

\---

They make their way back to the throne room. Rey is shocked to see so many beheaded corpses outside. How was it even possible that she got aroused amidst this chamber of horrors that she created? Ben drags her on.

Finn is pleased to see them at first. When he looks into their severe faces however, he realizes that something must be horribly wrong.

He listens quietly while Ben tells him what has happened. Ben delivers is a detailed, emotionless description that makes Rey shiver. “Now she is plagued by her conscience,” he finishes. “She won’t let me soothe her because she blames me, too. So I thought … maybe you could ...”

“No.” The determination in Finn’s voice startles Rey. Finn had always been so eager to comfort her. She supposes that she is just not worth it anymore.

“I guess you are the only one who can help her with this.” Finn addresses Ben with a firm look. “No one but you would still love her all the same after knowing that this is in her.” Finn takes a step closer and narrows his eyes at Ben. “You two disgust me. You really deserve each other. If you want her to feel better, then for fuck’s sake, don’t allow her to push you away, man!” Finn shakes his head. “I’ll give you two some space.”

Rey stares after Finn when he leaves the throne room. Then she breaks down, another attack of sobs shaking her to the bone. She can feel arms around her. These arms belong to the man she blames. The man she loves and hates, the man who had not found out that his best friend was going to die, the man who just _is_ like this, who enjoys the darkness without remorse.

She hammers her fists against his chest, but he is strong and his embrace constrains her. “Calm down, Rey, shhh … “ His hands on her back feel good. Rey gives into it. For now. She stills and wills her breath to slow down. Finn is right. Ben is the only person who will ever accept what she did here. She will never accept it herself though, and she does not _want_ anyone else to.

\---

They make their way to the bridge. Ben stops them in the corridor. “I’ll go and remove the dead bodies first.”

“No! I need to see them.” Rey is determined to face the damage she has done.

“You don’t need to do this, Rey.” Ben touches her arm, but she shakes her head.

“Yes, I do! I will take off each and every single helmet and look into their eyes. I killed them in cold blood. They deserve that I remember their faces.”

Rey insists that they remove the dead bodies with their hands. Ben grumbles at that, but he complies. It takes quite some time before all dead bodies are lying in the spacious antechamber. They fill the whole room. Rey looks into everyone’s face and tells them that she is sorry. Ben looks at her as if to say, “They can’t hear you.” Instead, he decides to close their eyes when she is done. Rey wonders if he regrets their death. He seems to know what she is thinking, because he is eager to correct it. “Whatever you need, Rey.”

Rey needs this day to be over. “Call your fleet.”

\---

Ben rehearses his speech with them before he contacts all First Order communication there is. It is simple and authoritative, reclaiming the rightful position as Supreme Leader, demanding all armed forces to withdraw immediately from any combat involving the resistance, gathering every vessel to the Galactica immediately, and granting amnesty to everyone for supporting Hux in Kylo Ren’s absence.

Communicating with the resistance is much more complicated. Rey tries Poe’s personal code first, but he does not answer. Finn shrugs. “He’s been detained for mutiny for letting you leave. I’m sure he’ll be fine.” Finn enters a different code. When he sees Rey’s quizzical expression, he sighs. “It’s Kwak’s.” Oh please, the fishhead?

“Why can’t we contact General Themiskyra?” Surely, the warrioress would have some sense at least.

Finn lowers his eyes. “She left.”

“What?”

Finn exhales. “Actually, quite a lot of people left after Poe got detained. It was a close decision and it was only made by the council members. Some said that the whole base should have had a say in this. Your weird behavior over the past couple of days did not go unnoticed, but Poe is popular and a lot of people said that if he trusts you, then they trust you. General Talus and Kwak had some convincing arguments though. They claimed that Poe let you leave because you would have been a threat to the base. They used your stagy performance in the cafeteria as proof that you are mentally ill. Poe’s love for you is not really a secret among the inner circle either, which of course made it worse.”

Rey is taken aback. She did not anticipate that her departure would cause such a rift in the resistance. Ben gently touches her shoulder, but again, she blames him. It is irrational. This is not his fault. He even told her to stay. And yet, she cannot shake the feeling that falling for him was wrong. He sighs and retrieves his hand.

“If Dameron is locked up, then who is in charge now?” Rey is grateful that Ben does not press her and instead focuses on the task at hand.

“Kwak.” Finn rolls his eyes. “Kwak is in charge.”

Rey has to suppress that thought that she should have actually choked the fish to death. “I won’t talk to him. Her. It. Whatever the fish _is_.” She does not want to be the person who is thinking this. When she recalls that it was actually Ben who had held her back, she takes his hand, much to his surprise.

“You talk to him. You are the Supreme Leader of the First Order. He won’t have forgotten that you saved his life. Make him agree to a truce.”

Ben sigh, but again he does not argue with Rey. Finn enters the code and a very odd conversation unfolds when the new old Supreme Leader begs the provisional head of the resistance for a truce. Rey gets ever more impatient over Kwak’s strange demands and irrelevant side topics. Fortunately, they are reduced to audio transmission. If she had to see the fish’s face, she might throw insults at him.

“I want to talk to Poe,” she states flatly after half an hour of negotiations, which have gotten them no closer to getting the resistance agree to a cease-fire.

“This is out of the question, Miss Rey.” She could have told from the choice of words who is speaking even without General Talus’ revealing Corellian accent.

“Then I will bring it into the question!” Rey has had enough. If they do not reach an agreement, then all of this will have been for nothing. “You forget who you are talking to.“ Rey has acquired a menacing tone. “I’m sure Ben Solo would gladly accept me as his co-ruler. If you fail to bring Poe Dameron to the table right now, authorized to negotiate in the name of the resistance, I swear by the force itself, I will rain hell on anyone who mutinied on him!”

Finn and Ben just stare at Rey. The line falls silent. They wait. Did it work?

“Rey!” Poe’s voice echoes feebly through the bridge. It is hoarse and tired.

“Poe!” Rey cannot suppress the tears. “I’m so sorry, Poe.” She only whispers.

“No, Rey, you made it! I’ve got your word that this is not a trick?- Oh, shut up fishhead!” Rey smiles, hearing Poe mocking Kwak with the same nickname that she always associates with the fishy alien.

“No trick. They’ve already been told to retreat.”

“Alright, Rey – shut up Talus! - You have my word, I will make these two imbeciles call a cease-fire. When will you return to us?”

The question hits Rey in the face. She looks at Ben, then at Finn, then at the communicator with Poe’s voice. Where does she want to be?

“I don’t know,” she answers, crestfallen. “I’m not sure I’ll return.”

Ben frowns at her. “Sure you will. They’re your family. Don’t turn your back on them.” Rey snorts. That’s rich, coming from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A note on diversity:  
> The absence of any all too unsettling content in this chapter gives me room for a clarification here. If I wanted to write a politically correct story, I would not center it around Reylo. That being said, I don't want anyone to read homophobia into my writing. It's definitely not what I mean to transport. Please don't read it like "all the villains (Snoke + Hux) are gay, and the good guys are straight and procreate". Kylo/Ben is my main villain! Thanks to Adam Driver's performance, my subconscious is convinced that ANYONE would be attracted to this character, and sexual tension nicely complicates his ambiguous relationships to the few people he interacts with.  
> Btw, I like to believe that Leia and Holdo were a thing. Maybe Holdo would invite trigger-happy flyboys to the fun. Or maybe they were THE one couple in the Star Wars Universe to live a healthy and fulfilling love story. Or both. I really wish that Leia had something good in her life. It just didn't fit in here to write about it.


	36. Anakin’s secret

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey considers the consequences. And acts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no words to prepare you for this.

The First Order fleet is half a day’s trip away. They decide to get some rest because it will be hours before the first ships arrive. Ben lets Finn in on one of the captain’s suites next to the Supreme Leader’s quarters.

“Can I leave you with him?” Finn looks at Rey with a worried look on his face.

Rey nods. It feels like Finn is asking the wrong question. He should worry if he can leave Ben with _her_.

\---

Rey lies on her back on the spacious bed. Ben climbs in to lay next to her. He does not touch her. "Does this change things between us?" He is calm, but he cannot hide his anxiety completely.

Rey still faces the ceiling. "I don't know. I don't know anything anymore." She turns her head to face him. "Except that you do love me."

The corner of his mouth twitches. "I never said that."

Rey’s smile is bitter-sweet. "I think you did. I was asleep. I thought I had dreamed it. But today on that tape, I saw that it's true."

He just nods.

"How about you?"

Why does he have to ask this now?

Rey turns back to stare at the ceiling. "I don't know. All this time, I thought that what we had was because you turned to the light. I ignored how it was only possible because I turned to the dark. Whatever we have, I don't like what it does to me. I don't like who I’ve become because of it. This. _Us_.” She forces herself to turn back and face him. “I don’t like myself when I’m around you, but I can’t escape it either.”

“How would you like it to be? Rey, if you could choose, how would you want _us_ to be?”

Rey closes her eyes. “I have this childish dream, where we flee all this. We settle down in some remote corner of the galaxy where no one knows us. Some temperate planet. No desert, no swamp. Just meadows and forests. We live a quiet life and all that matters is that we are together.”

Ben turns on his back. It is his turn to stare at the ceiling. “You know that’s not me.”

A long silence follows. They both stare at the black duracrete above their heads.

“I know. For me, this would be more than enough. I never had any love in my life before I left Jakku. Now that I know how it feels like to be loved, I don’t want to waste my life putting it in danger. I don’t want politics and warfare to get in the way. I want to hold on to this feeling and never let go.”

Rey turns around and takes Ben’s hand. She kisses it and looks into his eyes. “Deep inside, I know that this kind of life is not for you. You were raised to believe that you are someone of importance. People told you all your life that you are special. A prince, gifted with the force, the Skywalker heir, the chosen one. I know that you were always destined to shape the galaxy, for better or for worse. I won’t ask you to come with me.”

Rey feels his heart breaks at the realization that she is willing to pursue that dream anyway, with or without him. He shakes his head, stubbornly facing the ceiling, fighting against tears. “I will inevitably shape it for worse if you are not by my side.”

Rey squeezes his hand and lies back down. “Let’s not worry about this right now. We should sleep. Give me some time to figure things out.”

Ben does not protest. He just falls asleep, holding on to her hand with a firm grip. The festering wound in his stomach and two days in Hux’ custody must have devitalized him.

Rey stays awake and thinks, but there is no escape. Ben did not even for a second consider putting aside his ambitions. He will always seek for power. Rey wants no part in the rule of the galaxy, neither as some form of queen nor as a passive companion. She will not be by his side and, as a consequence, he will become what he has promised her, _the worst monster that the universe has ever seen_. She is the only one who can prevent this.

\---

Rey can hear him breathe. She stares at the ceiling. It is time. She always knew that it would come to this eventually. Ultimately, he is a monster and she was meant to tame him so he could be killed. She cannot put it off any longer. Her dark side has become strong enough. She knows that she will not falter this time. She can kill someone who is defenseless. She has done it before.

\---

_It is time._ Rey reaches for the remains of Anakin's lightsaber. She reaches out with the force to feel for the crystal, turning the broken end of her staff over in her hands. It is intact. The blade can still ignite.

\---

_It is time_. She places the broken piece over his heart, touching his chest with the lightsaber end. This is going to be the worst thing she ever does to herself. Rey takes one last look at his face. The face of the man she loves. Who must die. Now.

\---

_It is time, now!_

Ben opens his eyes.

"It’s time!" His eyes beseech hers. “It must be done.”

He wraps his fingers around hers, but he does not try to shove her hand away. Rey does not understand what he is doing until it is too late.

\---

_Time is up._

Ben has ignited the blade.

"No!" Rey screams. "No, Ben!"

His body twitches. His eyes still look at her. Then he stills.

"No!" Rey starts to cry and scream as if her voice could still reverse time if it was just loud enough.

The beam goes out and Rey sinks down on Ben's lifeless chest.

\---

_Time is relative._

A force ghost appears. At first, Rey thinks it might be Luke, but the man is much younger. She recognizes the face from Leia's private picture collection. Anakin Skywalker.

"He's not dead yet." The ghost’s voice is calm.

"Why would you say that?" Rey is sure that Ben is very dead.

"Because this is my lightsaber. See, I kept losing it. Obi Wan used to say that one day, someone was going to kill me with my own blade. It got me paranoid. I was going to be a father. What if I got myself killed by my own saber? Who would protect Padmé and the child? Eventually, I started to search the archives for a solution, and I found a way to soak the crystal with my own blood. The Jedi Order was so obsessed with bloodlines that one of the masters had experimented with preserving entire family trees. It pleased me to think that I would sire a line of people who cannot be killed by this very lightsaber.”

Rey frowns. Ben is Anakin's descendant, but however much she would like to believe it, this sounds too far-fetched. She has felt it when the life left Ben’s body. "But he's dead!" Rey only whispers. She would really like to believe this, no matter how twisted it sounds to her. It sounds more like dark magic than like a Jedi ritual.

"Kylo Ren is dead. Ben Solo is dead. But this boy is also a Skywalker. That part of him is still alive."


	37. Adrift (Part VI: Nirvana)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The future and the present

Something is wrong with the light, but Rey cannot place her finger on it. She is aboard the Falcon. Ben is typing coordinates.

“Where are we going?”

“Naboo!” He sounds delighted. Ben presses a last button to activate the autopilot. Then he turns his seat towards her and opens his arms invitingly. She walks over and climbs onto is lap. He hugs her tight before he seeks her eyes with a mischievous grin on his face. “We will have a couple of hours before we arrive.”

When he kisses her, it feels better than ever before. The war is over. There are no second thoughts in the way on either side. They are both sure about what they are to each other. The kiss is slow and tender. Ben finally breaks it to look at her. His grin has faded away. “Do you know how much I love you?”

“How much? Tell me.”

“It’s beyond words,” he says and starts to kiss her again. _But I can show you_.

Light explodes in her brain. It is not the blinding white light of the force, but rather a warm mix of sunset colors. Rey realizes that this is _his_ light, a manifestation of his love for her. It is just beautiful beyond measure.

“Show me more,” she insists. “It’s so beautiful.”

“Nothing can ever be as beautiful as you, Rey. I cannot show you more, but I can make you _feel_ it.” He lifts her up and carries her over to the four-poster bed. For a second, Rey wonders why there is such an opulent bed in the sitting area, but a voice in her head tells her not to question things now.

They start to undress each other. It is a very slow process. They unravel piece by piece, cherishing every inch of skin that comes to light with tender caresses and kisses until they are completely naked. Rey has never been so much at ease with this. Aroused, but patient. Hungry, but contented with what she gets. They are balanced.

Their unification is not planned, it just comes as natural consequence from a desire to be as close as possible. Their movements are slow and patient. Sometimes, they barely move at all and just enjoy feeling like one, connected in minds and bodies. The colors of Ben’s feelings have created a rainbow before Rey’s inner eyes. So, this is how he feels about her. Stars, she didn’t know that people were made to feel like this.

They are sitting on the bed in a kind of intertwined lotus position. Rey has stopped moving in an attempt to take it all in, to store this memory deep inside of her. It is time for her to show him something, too.

She takes his mind to the shrine in her heart where she keeps her feelings for him. Gone is all the ambiguity. Rey knows it to be true before she speaks the words. She softly presses her lips against his ear and whispers “I love you, too.”

He swallows and his eyes fill with tears. Rey takes his face in her hands and kisses them away, but gently he takes her wrists away and looks into her eyes. He is determined to let his tears run freely while the magnitude of her words, of her feelings, takes time to sink into him.

Then he kisses her forcefully. Rey can feel one hand holding the back of her neck in place against his intense kiss, while his thump is very gently stroking her cheek. His whole body is trembling. One of his hands slowly wanders down her body between her breasts, until it reaches the area where they are connected. Rey knows what he is doing and a sudden wave of sadness hits her. She does not want it to end yet.

He starts to rock them again, his tongue still chasing hers hungrily. The movement makes Rey aware of just how _hard_ he is inside of her. Her confession must have pushed him pretty far. She joins in, pressing her center against his hand with waves of her hips and – _oh force!_ – she is already _there_.

He removes his hand to wrap it around her, pressing her against him as tight as can be. Rey feels like every inch of her skin is covered with _him_. They slow down again, just waiting for their orgasms to wash over them. Waves of uncontrollable shivering ripple through their bodies.

They keep holding on to each other long after the last ripples have subsided, enjoying the afterglow together. Rey falls asleep against his shoulder.

\---

When she wakes up, Ben's body temperature has already started to drop. She knows she should not hold on to a dead body, but she hugs him closely, helplessly fighting back the tears. Why can't she just go back to the dream and live the life she always wanted, with him?

His body vanishes. Rey is only holding on to rags. "Come back!" She whines.

\---

A force ghost appears next to the bed. “That was amazing.”

Rey is surprised to see that it is Ben. “How …?”

“I don’t know, Rey, we’ve been dreaming together before. Maybe it’s got something to do with the lightsaber, too.”

That was not the question which she had wanted to ask, but his answer distracts her.

“It was real then?”

“Oh yeah, very.”

“But if you weren’t dead yet, I should have found a way to save you instead of … dreaming!” Did she miss this chance? How long has she been out?

“You did, Rey! Don’t you see? I’m a force ghost. I died in the light!”

Rey does not care right now. She loved him when he was dark. Now he is dead. What does it matter? “Anakin said that you could not be killed by his lightsaber. Was he wrong?”

Ghost-Ben hums thoughtfully. “I don’t think so. Yes, when he was young, he shared the Jedi’s idiotic obsession with bloodlines and probably really believed that his little voodoo trick would protect his family from his own faults, but the ghost … he was wise. He knew the force in its entirety. The light, the dark, and the turning points.”

"Why did he never speak to you?"

"He did. This week. He told me that if I wanted to win your heart, I'd have to stop being a child just because I wanted to be Ben again.” The ghost smiles. Rey is reminded of the squirrel tail offer and chuckles between her sobs. “He told me that you could only accept your feelings for me if I was able to give up all my ambitions. I thought that seeking out Hux and giving you peace would be enough. I only understood the full meaning of his words during the dream."

Slowly, Rey starts to understand. The course of events was fate. She could not have prevented it. Anakin knew that.

“Can you see him there now? On the other side?”

“No, they’ve all moved on. Anakin, Luke, Yoda, they were all only waiting for me to return to the light.”

A sudden fear grips Rey’s heart. “Are you going to move on, too?”

“No, Rey, I will be around for a while. I’ll remind you to enjoy your life.”

Rey thinks that there is nothing to enjoy now anymore. She still does not get it.

“Why did I want to kill you?”

“I guess that it has always been the will of the force. One of us was meant to kill the other in the end.”

“Why?”

“You know, the force is not a sentient being in a sense, but it’s got its own will. It strives for a balance that it never achieves. See, the force does not care about the people who get hurt along the way. You and me, we were just some kind of cruel experiment. I believe that if you had killed me, you would have absorbed me. I would have balanced you. You would have been the first living being to be truly balanced.”

Rey does not understand his words, but she feels the truth behind it. The balance had called out to her when she held the kyber over Ben’s heart.

“Why did you prevent it then?” If she has to lose him, why can’t she at least have him balance her?

“Because absolute balance in a living being, that’s nirvana, Rey!”

He does not elaborate. Rey comprehends that he is waiting for her to understand it for herself. True balance … the nearest she ever gets there is when she meditates. Slowly, Rey starts to grasp the concept. She would be at peace with everything. No struggles, no conflict. In a sense, she would be a living dead.

“Maybe that’s what I would have wanted,” she whispers. “Why do I have to stay around just to grieve for you?” Now tears are streaking down her face uncontrollably.

He smiles. It irritates Rey and his smile becomes even larger. “I couldn’t just let you kill me of course. The skywalker clan is known for their dramatic effects and their heroic acts of suicide after all.”

Rey does not smile, but he keeps teasing. “Come on, Rey, you know I have a thing for deceiving the people I kill. Killing the monster inside of me was my masterpiece.”

“Stop it!” Rey is getting angry. “I still don’t get why you did not let it happen if it was the will of the force!”

Ben shouts back. “I don’t give a fuck about the will of the force!” Rey gasps. It had never occurred to her that anyone could willfully deny it. “The will of force is like a heavy-handed, childish deity. For ages, people in this galaxy have done unspeakable things in the name of it. I’m done with that! I don’t want you to transition into a state of perfect quietude. I need you to be more than a realization of non-self and emptiness”

“Why?”

“Because I need you to be a mother, Rey!”


	38. Promise me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Something to live for

Rey frowns. “I’m not …”

“You sure?”

What? But that’s impossible. It only began two nights ago …

“Search your feelings, Rey. I’m sure you can already sense it if you listen closely enough.”

Rey closes her eyes and listens, but there is nothing there. “Nothing.” Rey is surprised by her own disappointment.

“You’re not looking in the right place. There would be no heartbeat. It won’t have a form yet.”

Rey tries again. Ben is right. All she could grasp right now would be something like a vision.

And there it is. Just a small tremor in the force. A possibility of starting a new life. It has not decided yet, there is only a bifurcation.

“It’s there!” Rey shouts out in surprise. “It’s only an opportunity, but it’s there. But how? I don’t get it. We never really … I mean, I wasn’t even … “

Ghost Ben cocks his head. “Search your heart. You know it was real. Didn’t you realize how we could suddenly _smell_ each other over the connection three nights ago? How the connection was able to overcome force vacuum? How we were able to use the force on each other?” It is true. She knew she was there. Her hand proved it.

“We created a life, Rey. I need you to be unbalanced, alive. I need you to be there for our son.”

“Our son?”

“The boy in my vision. He’s mine.”

Rey exhales and curls herself up in fetus position. If she were to choose, she would rather have Ben than his child.

Ben hovers over her. A few hours ago, she blocked nearly all his attempts to hold her. Now she would give anything if he could just hold her one more time. Life has always been cruel to her.

“You gotta get some rest. The remains of the First Order fleet will be here in a few hours.” Rey nods and pulls the blanket over herself.

“Will you do me a favor? If you ever meet Chewie again, tell him … tell him …” His loss for words makes Rey smile. She imitates a Wookie roar. Ben’s ghost smiles. “Yeah, tell him that. And one more thing.”

Rey raises a brow at the ghost. “You’re fucking presumptuous for a goner.”

“It’s the last thing I ever ask of you, I promise.” He shaeks his head and smiles. “Nah, I don’t promise. Please take care of Plagueis and Sidious. I left them with the smugglers.”

“ _Plagueis_ and _Sidious_?” He’s gotta be kidding her.

Ben shrugs. “They needed names. Plagueis is the female, Sidious is the male. The smugglers were on their way to the black market on Tatooine. I told the cubs to leave them and wait for us there.”

“ _Us_?”

“Yeah, don’t worry. They knew I loved you. They will follow you. In my vision, our son was playing with them.” Rey moans. Great. Just great.

“I’ll leave you for now. Get yourself some rest.”

“Ben? Would you mind hanging around until I’m asleep?”

“Did you just tell a ghost to hang around? Wow, Rey, I knew your humor was … mediocre, but this one was bad.”

“Oh, shut up, you pitiful hologram. You love my humor. I can see right through you. See? That was a bad one and you still smile.”

For the first time in her life, Rey is not afraid to fall asleep. Her destiny is fulfilled. She will wake up tomorrow and cry. And maybe she will keep crying for days, or weeks, or months. But eventually, she will start to piece herself back together. She will learn how to be a mother. One day, she will be happy.


	39. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 6 years later ...

“Come here, Plagui!”

Rey sits in the kitchen. Through the window, she watches Ani play with the grown up Undi-lions. “Yeah, Sidi, good boy!” Her five-year-old son is teaching tricks to full grown predators as if they were dogs.

Poe climbs up the hill towards their backyard. Finya is sitting on his shoulders, enjoying herself. “Lock away the beasts, Ani, please.” Poe’s voice is annoyed but full love for the introvert boy. Reluctantly, Ani obeys and lures the giant felines into their compound. He takes a mug full of dung out with him and heads toward the pile of compost. It makes Rey proud to see how self-dependently he is taking care of these creatures.

Finya raises a hand from Poe’s curls when Ani walks past them. The mug falls to the ground and dung spills on Ani’s shoes. Finya laughs. Rey groans. Her three-year-old daughter has started to use the force for entertainment.

“Don’t use that thing on me!” Ani barks at Finya. He picks up the mug and walks on. Poe sets Finya down and gives her a lecture on using the force on her brother for fun.

“Oh come on, she’s only a little girl,” Rey mutters to herself. “I bet Ani would give her a hard time if he had the same abilities.”

“Maybe he’ll never have.” Rey jumps at the voice of Ben’s force ghost next to her. Why does he always have to spook her like that?

“We don’t know that,” she replies when she has recollected herself. “We don’t know anything. There is no other case in the records of history of two force users having conceived a child.”

“He allows his little sister to spill dung on him. I assure you, if he was gifted with the force, he would use it on her by now.”

Ben’s ghost stands behind Rey, looking out of the window. It always hurts her to be aware of his presence, but not be able to feel him.

“I didn’t know I had it until I was nineteen. And Luke didn’t, either.”

“It’s only because no one knew what they were looking for.”

“I don’t know how he can be so much like you, and not be like you at all at the same time.”

Ani likes to play with the lions the way Ben would. Yet, the way he just takes up the mug without throwing a tantrum, it is so unlike Ben.

“It’s because he’s not me, Rey. He looks a lot like me, but he’s got your light and your balance. And unlike me, he’s got an intact, loving family.”

“He should be growing up with his father.”

“He’s got a father. Look.” Poe is helping Ani with taking off his shoes and cleaning them in the rain barrel. “A better one than I could have ever been.” There is a pause as if he draws a deep breath. “Rey, I’m here to say goodbye. It’s time for me to proceed. I’ve been a ghost for far too long. I have to move on, and so do you.”

“No, I’m not ready!” Tears well up in Rey’s eyes.

“Sure you are, Rey. You’ve been ready for four years now. I’m only holding you back. You’ve got a life. It’s everything you ever wanted. You’ve got a great husband, you’ve got two adorable kids, you all love each other. I don’t belong here. Let me go.”

Rey lets her tears fall freely. She knows that he is right. “Will you say goodbye to Ani?”

“I will. You promise me something before I leave. Promise me that one day soon, you will tell him who his real father was. Who he really was.” He seeks her eyes. “No lying by omission.” A sad smile shows on his mouth when Rey nods.

“Goodbye, love.” Ben places a phantom kiss her on her forehead and vanishes. She starts to tremble. She cannot hold back the sobs. Rey breaks down on the kitchen table.

\---

Poe walks into the kitchen.

“Rey, what’s going on? Ani started to talk to thin air again so I figured that Ben’s ghost was here and then I looked at you and you …”

Rey looks up at him through her tears. Her voice is hoarse. “Ben’s leaving. His ghost won’t be around anymore.” She breaks into sobs again.

“Oh darling, come here.” Poe crouches down and pulls her into a tight embrace. “It’s ok, just cry. It’s alright. I’m here for you.” Rey lets go and leans into Poe.

For the first time, her heart is only his. Poe is the man she decided to marry, the man she wants to be a father for her children, the man who has given her a second child. For the first time now, there is _only_ Poe. She hugs him tight and pulls herself together.

"Where's Finya?"

"I left her with BB-8."

"Ah, that's bound to end in chaos." She manages a smile.

"Probably. But I figured that the tubby disc-head might be her best friend right now, what with her father scolding her for inappropriate use of the force, her brother talking to someone she cannot see and her mother crying out her heart on the kitchen table.” Rey’s sobs get mixed up with laughter. Poe releases his embrace but keeps his hand on her back, soothing her.

“Chewie is planning to come over tonight. He promised Ben to watch the hatching of the porg chicks with him. Do you think you’ll be alright? I can tell Chewie to come another day.”

“No,” Rey replies firmly. She has found her voice again. “Chewie should know. I think he always knew that Ben’s ghost was still around somehow.”

A sudden emptiness grabs her chest. Ben is gone. She knows it. She looks outside the window. Her son has felt it, too. Ani stares at nothing for a while. Then he starts running towards the house.

“Mum!” he shouts when he enters the kitchen, “Uncle Ben said he’s leaving! Forever! And then I felt it. He’s gone! Mum?”

Rey hastily wipes away the tears from her face. “I know, love. I felt it, too. Come over here. There’s something I gotta tell you about Uncle Ben. Something important.”

Poe looks up at her with a serious expression. “Are you sure you wanna do this?”

“I promised.”

She looks at Ani again. “Come here.” She lifts him to sit on the table, his feet dangling down. It is his favorite place to sit and it gives Rey the opportunity to look straight into his eyes. Rey turns her chair around and sits with her legs apart, resting her arms on the backrest.

“No matter what I tell you now, your daddy is your father and he will always be. Do you understand?”

Ani hesitates. Then he shakes his head.

Rey smiles. “Well, just remember that, ok? He loves you, and that’s all that matters.” Rey casts an insecure glance at Poe. He nods encouragingly.

“Do you remember what I told you about how children come into being?”

Ani nods. “It’s got something to do with their parents having sex. You said something about exchanging body liquids.” He looks very disgusted at the thought.

“Exactly. Now, usually people have sex with someone they love. Before you were born, I was in love with your Uncle Ben.”

“But he’s a ghost.” Ani frowns.

“He wasn’t always a ghost. He was a human, like you and me. He became a ghost when he died. But before that, him and me, we had sex.”

“But you love dad!” Ani is enraged.

“I do, sweetheart, I do. Humans can fall in love more than once in their lives. I only fell in love with your dad after you were born.”

Ani looks back and forth between Rey and Poe. “How can dad be my father then?” He frowns and looks down to the floor.

Rey swallows. She wants this to be over. Better to tell him straight away. “Ben was your real father.”

“Finya’s, too?” The question surprises Rey.

“No. No, Finya’s real father is Poe. Sweetheart, I need you to know that we love you both the same. Poe and me. You are our children. Nothing will change that.”

Ani keeps looking down to the floor for a long time. Rey gently ruffles his hair. “Will you be alright?”

“Tell me the truth.” Suddenly, Ani does not sound like a five year old anymore. There is a commanding tone in his voice. “You are hiding something from me. I can feel it!”

Rey’s stomach turns. How would he know?

“All I’ve told you was the truth,” she says tentatively.

“You’re a liar!” Ani screams. Rey has never heard him say something like this. “You _will_ show me what you are hiding!” Ani reaches out with his little arm and touches Rey’s forehead. A sharp pain sears through her temple and Rey flinches.

“Ani!” Poe gets up immediately but Rey raises her hand to stop him. She tries to calm down, to not let the pain control her. Ani might be doing this for the first time and it is not the right moment to tell him how much he hurts her.

Ani is looking for pictures of Ben. Rey tries to push up the few happy memories that she has of him, but she hardly finds anything that she could show to a child. Once Ben and her had stopped fighting, they soon started to do other unspeakable things to each other, including the acts that had led to Ani’s procreation. Ani is not interested in his procreation, though. He wants to know why everyone is so tense about Uncle Ben, why everyone seems to think that something was wrong with his real father. He skims Rey’s carefully censored memories of her and Ben. Ssitting at a fire together, cuddling, holding hands. The fight scenes she has selected are slightly more interesting. There are two memories of fighting a common enemy together, but they are incomplete.

Ani eventually finds what he is looking for. The image of a masked, murderous creature with an unstable temper and unnatural powers, feared and hated by the whole galaxy. Rey immediately shuts him out of her head, but he has already seen too much.

"He was a monster!" Ani cries out in indignation. 

"Yes he was." Rey's voice breaks. She gathers herself. "But that's not all he was. Once he was a child, just like you. And very bad things happened to him. It made him angry." She pauses and faces Ani. "Do you know how that feels? When you're hurt and angry and you just want to destroy things?"

"Like when I threw Finya's teddy bear in the fire?" he asks fearfully. 

Rey smiles. She did not expect him to find such a fitting analogy. 

"Yes, precisely, just that your father grew up and never learned how to deal with his hurt because no one showed him how. Adults sometimes do terrible things when they hurt. And your father hurt so much when I met him.”

“Why?”

“Pain will sometimes lead to more pain. Do you remember when you broke your leg? You were crying all day, even after the med droid had fixed it up nicely. Until Finya pulled your hair. Suddenly, the pain in your leg was forgotten.”

“Uhm, I don’t know.” Ani seems eager to follow but maybe this one was a bad example.

“Anyway, what I am trying to say is that sometimes when you hurt, you will forget about it once a new pain hits you. Pain was all your father knew back then. So he would do terrible things, things that hurt others, but most of all they hurt himself.”

“Like killing his father?”

Rey breathes in sharply. She did not realize that Ani had seen that, too. She nods. Somehow, she has lost her thread. How can she show him what Ben had meant to her, what he had done for her, for them?

“When I met Ben, I was very lonely, just like him.”

“Did you hurt people, too?” Ani’s eyes have become very big and for a scary moment, Rey thinks she can see awe there rather than fear.

“No, love, no! At first, I despised him for what he was, for what he did. But I could feel the pain inside him. I tried to help him. He let me down though. Then I tried to hate him for a while. It took years for me to accept that a part of me had fallen in love with him, because I hated that part of me so much.”

“Why?”

“Hm?”

“Why did you love him if he was a bad man?”

Rey has to think about it for a long time. She thought she knew, but now … . How could she make Ani understand?

“In a strange way, we were friends I guess. He was like me, like a dark version of myself. I could talk to him about my fears and he would understand me when no one else would. Even though we were enemies, and we would fight, you know with lightsabers and all,” - Rey tries to make it sound like a thrilling fairy tale – “we spared each other. He was a murderer, but he never tried to kill _me_. Then one day I … I saved his life even though he had betrayed me. I rescued him from an exploding dreadnought, but the TIE fighter we were in got damaged and we crashed into a swamp ...”

“Wow. Mom! You’ve been on a dreadnought! I knew you had a saber but … that’s so cool! And you’ve been flying a TIE! Will you show me how to do that one day?”

Rey wonders if he has dropped the subject. It would be the easy way out. A five-year-old should not have to worry about a monster sire. No … he must know. She promised.

“You know, the dreadnought was your father’s. And my friends had destroyed it with bombs.” She looks over to Poe who is listening quietly. “But your father risked his own life and pulled me out of the muddy lake.” Rey makes it sound like one of Ani’s favorite stories. He is listening quietly, waiting for the maxim.

“Ben made me see that there is not just black and white. There is a light side and a dark side in all of us. Sometimes you think you are right when in fact you are wrong. Sometimes the right thing to do will lead to the wrong outcome. Sometimes you will get the most valuable help from people who you’d least expect it from.” It looks like Ani does not need to be convinced anymore. His father had saved his mummy’s life. Anyone who does this must be a good person somehow. Only one big question left …

“Why did he die?”

“He sacrificed himself. For me – and for you.”

“What does that mean?”

“Oh, honey, like with all the adult stuff, it’s complicated. You will understand one day. But for now, just know that your father loved you very much.” Rey gets up pulls Ani into a hug. She does not want him to see how close she is to tears again.

“Then why did he leave?” he murmurs against her chest.

Rey sighs, smiles and shakes her head a little. “He was a selfish soul. Always grudging. He couldn’t stand watching us being alive and happy while he was just a ghost. Be easy on him, will you?”

“Ok.”

Rey takes Ani into her lap and holds on to him. He is the only reminder to her now that Ben ever existed.

Ani looks over to Poe. “Dad, did you know Uncle Ben? How was he? Did you like him?”

Poe closes his eyes and thuds his head back against the wall. It makes Rey want to laugh, but all that comes out of her is another series of sobs.

Poe opens his eyes. “No, Ani, I think I did not know him very well. I guess your mum was the only person in the galaxy who ever really did.” Poe gets up and lifts Ani out of Rey’s embrace. “But if he made such an adorable kid like you, I guess he must have been pretty awesome.”

Poe looks at Rey, who is once again struggling with her composure. “Why don’t we give mommy some space. I think she is really sad that Ben’s ghost has left. Let’s go out and see what naughty little Finya has been up to. We could tell her that you’ve got the force now, too.” Poe leaves the kitchen and helps Ani get dressed again. “Of course, the same rules apply to you, buddy. No using the force on people. What you did to your mum today is excused because it was the first time. I don’t want to see that ever again though.”

“Will I become dark one day, too, like my father?” Ani’s question is so innocent, so naïve.

“No, I don’t think so. I guess this trait tends to skip a generation.” Poe looks at Rey through the open kitchen door before he leaves. It is a weird thought that she would share Padmé’s fate and be some evil darksider’s grandmother one day.

Now that she is alone again, she feels lonely. Ben was right. This family is all she ever wanted, but she never enjoyed it the way she should. He has been dead for six years now. It is never going to be ok. She is always going to miss him. They only spent seven days together. Seven of the worst days in her life. It made her want to kill him. And yet, she will never stop loving him.

He died for her. She must stop mourning the future they might have had. It was always beyond reach. He died so she could be happy. Rey promises to herself that starting tomorrow, she will be happy. For him.

THE END

* * *

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it! I'm done!
> 
> Inspiration  
> As promised, I list everything I (consciously) drew from.
> 
> Fairy tales  
> I mean, the whole topic is very much Beauty and the Beast. Not the cheesy Disney version, the unsettling origins. Daisy Ridley may not wear dresses in the movies, but damn, she’s beautiful! And Kylo Ren is the imprint of a bewitched prince who has turned into a monster. Besides, I’m a big fan of Hans Christian Andersen’s take on fairy tales. The Snow Queen is the only version of the monster kidnapping theme - which I’m aware of – that reverses the gender roles. As you may guess, I’m also a slave to his unhappy endings, like in The Little Mermaid.
> 
> Harry Potter  
> Among all my favorite mainstream fantasy (Game of thrones, Lord of the rings, you name it), it was the Harry Potter universe that helped me most with images of the mind.
> 
> Pirates of the Carribbean: Sparrabeth kiss  
> Oh yeah, what’s hotter than a beautiful, strong woman kissing a dark-haired hottie with questionable morals, just to tie him to a doomed ship? Sound familiar?
> 
> Tin star  
> “Go find your evil alter ego. I need him now.” I love that idea.
> 
> Vampire Diaries  
> Yes, I confess. I’m a Delena fan. There are some obvious parallels to TLJ’s Reylo to begin with (Beauty and the Beast with supernatural abilities), but I think I’ve subconsciously used the series’ character developments as a blueprint.
> 
> Other Reylo fanfics  
> So here’s a list of where you may notice resemblances  
> •Stranded on a deserted planet (the episodes on Undor). I was inspired by a fic I read that starts out on Yavin 4, which was not on the archive. Now I can’t find it to cite it anymore. After I had my basic plot worked out, I started to read Silvershine’s works. Seems like other writers have come up with leaving the couple stranded somewhere. It’s kinda obvious, just like so many things I saw other authors use after I had my plot worked out: using Anakin’s force ghost, giving Rey a saber staff, letting them have a son (why does no one write about a daughter?) – when everyone starts out with the same source material, it’s not unnatural to come to similar conclusions. I got the idea that the kid might enter Rey’s mind from Silvershine.  
> •Exchanging light and darkness. It’s an idea which I got from moontear’s “The Bond That Ties Us”. I didn’t take it far. It just fit in nicely as a redress for Rey’s damaged inner balance after shutting out the darkness for nearly two years.  
> •Glitter_ature’s “Sealed to me” reminded me of showing Ben’s talents sometimes. It gave me the idea that Hux would have cameras in the cell. I may have stolen a joke or two as well, like wondering if Hux’ balls ever dropped.  
> •I’ve read “Interstellar transmissions”, “Forms” (calling a lightsaber a matchstick) and “Thwarted” before I started to work on this story.  
> •I’ve also read parts of AllofReylo’s popular porn fic which unfortunately centers around Hux. It gave me a lot of ideas, most of which didn’t fit in here; and parts of Trebia’s “Ja’ak”, which reminded me to go looking for things that already exist in canon rather than inventing things as I go. It led me to rewrite the TIE fighter scenes in order to correctly display the hatch as being on top and not beneath the cabin.
> 
> Other Reylo fan material  
> •Reddit user liquidtorpedo provided me with a satisfactory answer about the missing piece from the throne room  
> •Thanks to Wookiepedia for all the comprehensive background material  
> •Thanks to Jedi Jade and other youtube channels to thoroughly discuss everything that happened in the throne room, as well the myriads of articles that exist
> 
> The source material  
> You may recognize certain sentences from the movies. “I know,” or “It’s nothing,” for example. I don’t really do this on purpose. It’s just my notorious brain.  
> Honestly, I don’t have a clue why I’m fascinated with damaged characters that are at enmity and fall in love. I don’t know why my Reylo romance is so unhealthy either, or why I frequently reference abuse. That’s all just my subconscious interpretation of the source material from the Sequel Trilogy movies. In TFA, Reylo commenced with a mindrape, followed by a patricide and a life-and-death fight. What a basis!  
> And I don’t believe in a fluffy Pride-and-Prejudice interpretation of TLJ’s proposal scene. To cite Rian Johnson here: “It's unhealthy, and there's much that is awful about the way that he [Kylo] is manipulative. […] And in fact, Kylo is going to use this to try and undercut your confidence so you'll feel you have to lean on him for your identity.” https://www.empireonline.com/movies/features/star-wars-last-jedi-10-revelations-director-rian-johnson/ I also go with Rian and try to see the best in Ben, finding reasons and excuses for his behavior. Star Wars is all about redemption in the end!


End file.
